Choices

Decisions are the hardest move to make.
Especially when it's a choice between where you SHOULD be and where you WANT to be.
- Unknown -

SERIOUSLY, I hate to be stuck in dilemma situation. There is an opportunity came knocking on my door, but I was thinking whether I should leave, again. This will be 3rd time round. Nothing is confirmed yet and here I am, over thinking things again.

What should I do? They made it clear they wanted a serious candidate. Probably because I had said too many times that "I'm just trying" or probably I'm asking too much despite of my experience & qualification. They said everything will be fast-going - interview and shortlist and everything. I think I might have screwed the call just now. What the F had I just said? Sigh.

The first thing after the call, I texted my cousin (since she's the one telling me about this). Frankly speaking, I never thought that I would get reply this fast, or I should say I never expect a reply. That call somehow caught me off my guard. I told my cousin I'm not ready to leave, just yet. I was barely here for a year and to leave again? I never put much thought about it, even though I hated this job at the very beginning. The most dreaded job at first has now becomes something that is pretty easy and routine. And the colleagues, especially team lead. I can say that I'm at the best of my luck, because I work under 2 great superiors, at here and at previous workplace. This is why I never think of leaving, because it has already become my comfort zone. Oh, screw it!

After all I'm just afraid to leave my rut. Damn!

Second option

I'm never the first choice of my favourite people. Likewise, there are people never my first choice too, even though I might be their first on the list.

Often, I will stare at my contact list, wondering who could I go to when I need someone to kill time with. Answer is NO ONE. Pathetic eh? Mostly because I didn't want to disturb their life, afraid they're being caught up with their own life. Who is free to spare some time for me? And then, I wonder - why can't I do things by my own? Can't I have some me-time?

Or, there were friends asking me out. But I was weighing - whether to go or not to go. What?! I had been complaining and now there were friends asking me out, finally I had got plan but I have to mull over it. Such contradiction!

Sometimes I'm frustrated. Like we'd been saying about travelling together, or maybe just me saying about it. Finally someone texted me, saying AirAsia has got promotion. Probably I misconstrued it as "let's go travel", but ended up I was just think too much. I was being informed there was cheap air ticket, but I was not being invited to travel together. Of course, there were people asking, but I wasn't very keen to travel with them. I just want to be somewhere with my favourite people, but the irony is that, I'm not in their favourite people list.

It's okay, I told myself repeatedly. I'll just need to get used to being alone. Because I matter and no one else.

p.s. it took me long enough to finish writing such emotional post.

Funny thought

噗嗤一一

被自己莫名其妙的想法給逗笑了

I don't really meet colleagues from other departments. We usually talked over the phone regarding job issues. I only found out who is the guy I had been talking over the phone for few months through company team building event. And funny enough, we had been assigned to the same group. But at the end of the day, we didn't introduce ourselves. So I'm not sure if he knows me, but I know him because my teammate pointed him out.

And then there is this girl, we're from the same department but different team. We're somehow hi-bye friends as we never engage in a long chatty conversation. As from what I heard, she's pretty emotional kind of person because of her horoscope is Cancer. Not sure why though. But she always seems to have something on her mind. There was one day, she went to consult my teammate, asked him a lot of questions regarding relationship. Then we started to guess, she probably has got a boyfriend and got into some relationship issues.

I came out from office building just like normal, but I caught a glimpse of them sitting at the pavement. The girl was tugging on the guy's arm. I quickly walked by, and after a few steps, I turned around and saw the girl smiling brightly at me and waved her hand to me.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

As to why I said I laughed at my own funny thought is that, I actually think that guy is quite good-looking. Due to my wild imagination, I had a picture drawn in my mind that him being my boyfriend. HAHAHA! Despite we had never talk to each other face-to-face.

I can't help but laugh at my silly thought. But the moment I saw the girl smiling so brightly, I know somehow she's happy now. :)

Lemon

When life gives you lemon, make it into lemonade.

***Well, not every lemon can make into lemonade though. And its sourness can make you frown and wrinkle your nose.

----------------------------------------------------------------

DON'T READ, IT WILL SERIOUSLY AFFECT YOUR GOOD MOOD. I MERELY WRITE TO RANT THE INDESCRIBABLE FEELING OF MINE.

Sometimes I'm pretty fed up with trivial things that happened around me.

#Like, I always can't find companion to go travel with me. What's worst - is that I limit myself. I need to have a companion to travel with. Screw my stupid dependency! When can I leave my rut? When can I leave my comfort zone? I guess I just can't channel enough courage to make the first step, even though I keep saying I'll make it to Japan alone, someday. But that someday doesn't seem to be in near future.

#Like, when I thought the trip is on for sure because everyone is so excited about it, and then it's off. Why? I've got no time. I'm so poor. I can't take leave. Various excuses started to pop up. They made me so excited about it and then they poured a bucket of ice water on me, extinguishing my excitement.

#Like, complaining is one of my hobbies. I know very well actually those things are best to keep in my heart rather than saying out loud. But I just uncontrollably grumbling about it, even to my own ears, they sound like stink shit. And I can't stop myself.

#Like, I dun really like what I'm doing now, but I dunno what I can do to make the current situation gets better. And an invisible "stress?" - I'm not even sure if that feeling is called stress - makes me suffocate. But I can't give up my life. What would make me then? There are so many people struggling to live and here I am, whining and not working hard to make my everyday counts.

At some moments, I feel like disappearing into thin air and wonder what this world would be like without me? I guess it would just be one person lesser to fight over the oxygen. Oops, too negative, sorry.

#Like, whatever I written up there is not worth to read. Unless, when you manage to read till here and you can somehow relate. Otherwise, this is just another piece of shit. 

我 希 望 十 年 後 的 我 還 是 好 好 的。