只要你不懦弱

明明你也很愛我
沒理由愛不到結果
只要你敢不懦弱
憑什麼我們要錯過
夜長夢還多你就不要想起我
到時候你就知道有多痛

-《你就不要想起我》田馥甄 -

他媽的，拖拖拉拉2年，見個面很難嗎？
＃無膽匪類

或許不想見面只是藉口
醒醒吧，蠢女人！

The right one

Don't mistake salt for sugar.

If he wants to be with you, he will.

It's that simple.

- Rupi Kaur -

Yup, convincing myself that

  I'm not rush

  Eventually the right one will show up

Also chiding myself

  Why the hell I yearn for being in a relationship so much

It's really tired, being a paradox. 

Ugh...

愛情的模樣 #1

大概是…

#1

就算成為情侶，也能做回自己

就算在一起，也能有自己的時間、自己的社交圈子、自己的事業…

而不是因為身分轉變，而把自己變成以為對方想要的模樣

愛情，大概是跟對的人，在對的時間，一起成長

💓

Courage

In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth or to step back into safety.
- Abraham Maslow -

Everyone will be facing a turning point at certain age. My cousin, Erin is facing hers at the age of 27. Fed up with her 2nd job, thus she decided to leave for good. She was in advertising field and it's considered small field in Malaysia. No matter how you jump, the choices are limited.

So, she decided to apply for oversea companies and ended up chosen China's company. At the very last minute of settling her working visa and stuff, she's still struggling whether to go or stay because she heard too many negative voices telling her how bad it is to work in China.

She didn't like China at the first place. Now with so many negative comments about working in China made her more dreaded to go. But anyway, decision is made, she packed her stuff and just went with it. 

Luckily she brought her mom and her sis with her. As I know her, she's lack of sense of direction, very stubborn once she thinks she's right, and she can be hard to get through sometimes, like we're always not in the same channel.

Even though she is dreaded, half a year already passed by. The last I met her was during CNY, with awesome gradiant on her face but with soulless eyes. The good condition on her face was due to cold weather, as for her eyes, she told us she has been insomnia for a month. Deprived of sleep can really drive a person crazy. 

Insomnia is barely occurred in my life, but I had experienced it once. You couldn't sleep when you're supposed to, you would constantly counting down to when you can sleep or when the day comes.

She did some research and found out that she actually has mild depression according to the test she took. Her boss is mean and demotivated. When she was given a task, her boss demanded her to complete within split second. If she couldn't, her boss would chide - why are you being so slow? Didn't you bring your brain to work? When I heard her story, I can tell that he is not a good leader. Working under such person can be so intimidating and stressful. So we can see why she couldn't sleep at night. Or when she finally drifted to sleep, he appeared in her dreams and continued to haunt her.

We advised her, no point to work under such circumstances. It's not like you earning a lot but you almost giving up your health to your work. It's okay to quit and pay the penalty for leaving without completing the job contract. It's not worth to stay for the money.

I watched a talk recently and the speaker talked about it's tough to give up. Because you think you've given too much to come to this far, and now you're being torn in between giving up or continuing. Giving up would mean to give up all your effort to make it this far, but you've lost the passion to continue. The dilemma is hard to tolerate. Well, no matter what we said, the decision maker is still her.

I wanted a chance to leave home as well, but I'm not actively searching. Deep down, I guess I'm too comfort to leave. 

Life, in a nutshell.

Precise

Is it just me who want things to be clear and precise?

Or maybe I'm just hoping that people would answer the answer I want instead?

Communication is really a hard lesson to learn.

2018 - About work

The time in recent years is like shooting star. When you realised it's the end of 2017, you couldn't even catch the glimpse of its tail. And, it's already 2nd Friday of 2018.

Should I do a review of 2017 to see if I've grew any? Even I doubted myself.
- Let's save it when I remember, maybe the next I'll be doing review for 2018. Hahaha!

About work
Feel trapped, but I'm too comfort to leave. Every new year, I'm eager to leave but every year end, I feel dreadful - why I'm still stuck in the same job?! Upcoming projects, new jobscopes... sounds tempting for new opportunities, but I can foresee it's gonna be another dreadful year. 

Human is greedy. I want my salary to elevate but I know my qualifications are not enough. I wonder if I leave, is there any other firm would want to take me in? Sometimes I guess I LOVE to over think trivia things. I should put focus on important stuff instead.

I find myself hard to cope with things going on in my firm. I constantly live in my own bubble - I don't know who's leaving nor neither do I know the background of new joiners. Socialise, they said. I don't know what to ask if my opponent doesn't start the conversation first. I afraid what I ask would be prying on their personal lives. See, I know I've been thinking too much. I wonder if something is broken within me? Why am I living so carefully?

Ohh, and I find it's hard to be around of my colleagues sometimes. I feel like I've learn nothing much when I'm being asked to explain/teach to new joiner. I don't know how to explain to make sure I got it right. 

There's one slow learner that is wearing down my patience level. The same thing being explained by different people and she still couldn't get it. My colleague went to seek help from her closed friend from other team, saying that we need to boost her confidence level by asking her question that she can answer. I was like, wow. That friend of her really put effort to understand her and trying to tackle her problem.

I really still a kid that never grow up and this feeling keeps gnawing on me recently. I realise I didn't care enough what's happening around me. I only care about myself. Selfish. Self-centered.

When can I grow up? Even just a little, please?

五月天人生有限公司演唱會・馬來西亞站

去年來過了的五月天決定今年再回歸，本來想說很瀟灑地一個人去看演唱會。怎知朋友問要不要一起去，二話不說答應了。其實也是因為她有門路，我們不需要人擠人地搶票，所以決定豁出去了。

第一次自付的演唱會，幸好沒買最便宜的門票。8點才開始，我們6點就到現場排隊入場。我們也算遲了，另一個朋友告訴我4點就好在現場排隊才能霸到好位子。幸好沒聽他說，6點剛剛好。在入場之前一直再猶豫要不要花錢買互動螢光棒，結果還是忍痛買了。買了很值得，因為那是我看過最美的燈海。

開場嘉賓一一鼓鼓，我不認識，但造型很像韓國人，然後一口氣唱了兩首自己的歌外加一首五月天的«瘋狂世界»。終於，精彩的要來了。演唱會以電影的方式拉開帷幕，還有3D效果。電影裡掃射的場面，現場還真的有火花四射！前菜上完以後，五月天就出場唱了第一首歌。現場聽和插著耳機聽真的有差別！太high了！還有互動螢光棒，整個畫面好美。

不知道唱了多少首歌，他們就齊齊坐在台上和我們閒聊。也不知道是那一次的閒聊，他們一起黑石頭，說五月天沒有後援會，只有石頭有。可能後面來馬來西亞的演唱會，隊員都換完了，剩下石頭一個人。他們太搞笑了！

整場演唱會，最美的舞台效果應該是他們唱«成名在望»的時候，那個3D效果，讓我起雞皮疙瘩！最美的燈海，應該就是唱«戀愛ing»的時候吧？色彩繽紛。

我以為演唱會就這麼結束，但他們一次又一次的encore，太感動了。這次演唱會後覺得身為一位歌手真的不容易啊～一個演唱會一唱就是3個小時，對喉嚨的殺傷力可想而知。阿信那天唱完喉嚨也變得沙啞了，都為他心疼了。

本來就不是五月天的鐵粉，但過了這次的演唱會就不一樣了。:)

你問我全世界哪裡最美？

一一答案是你身邊

One is enough for my heart

縱有灼灼桃花十里，
取一放在心上…
足矣。

一一«三生三世十里桃花»電影版

Demotivated

"Have you started to feel demotivated?"
Boss asked.

"Yes."

"What could be the reasons?"

Yea, what are the reasons? I'm pondering too.

Boss would expect you to do more after you were being promoted. Year end is coming, too many unfinished tasks on hand.

Can I slack till I come back from my vacation? I'm hoping I can have some positive changes after my Japan trip.

My passion, my motivation seem missing, where can I look for them? Sigh...

Uncommitted

She's not fully committing to it, 

wanting to make the effort

but truly hoping she wouldn't be noticed,

so she could walk away,

so she could always say she'd tried,

so she could rest easily, guilt free.

- amended & taken from «One Hundred Names» by Cecelia Ahern

Recently picked up jogging as my after-work-exercise. So healthy, yea. But exercise can get sick as well. And I was hoping the rain every single day, so I have got excuse to skip. If I were to run alone, I probably wouldn't have persist for 3 weeks in a row. My self-discipline sucks. Thanks to my jogging buddy a.k.a. my boss.

I find myself kinda slack because I couldn't run for a long time. I couldn't catch my breath. The longest record was I managed to run entire round without stopping. I guess my condition that day was good.

Closing kicking in, which means October is just around the corner. Damn, the last quarter of 2017! What have I achieved so far?

Passed my JLPT N2 with barely-pass-result. Sigh. That's the achievement of the year.

Why writing sad post is easier than a happy one?

Planning to come back here with positive vibes. But no, only when I feel down I remember the fact that I have a blog. This is so pathetic. I made this place of mine a negative emotion outlet.

Why writing something depressed is easier than writing something delightful? People tend to share sad things rather than happy things?

But I decided not to engulf in negative vibes. So let's talk about being grateful.

Have got a 4 days long weekend, but damn, today is already Sunday, oops, it's already Monday, and I feel like I have achieved nothing. I should set out a plan or to-do list, to keep myself in track. However, on the first day of my holiday, I went for a movie marathon. Well, it was kind of unexpected, because I only planned to watch "IT".

You'll float too.

Turned out "IT" wasn't that scary. I didn't know what the story was about, all I ever knew was people kept sharing illustration of a clown under a sewer in Facebook, and illustrating if the sewer is in Malaysia, guess the clown couldn't have the chance to show his face as the sewer would be clogged by rubbish on the road. "IT" wasn't scary but some of the scenes were grossed. Like the one in the bathroom, where the blood gushed from the sink like water fountain and turned the entire bathroom into bloody red room. I like the story revolved around "fear" because the clown gained energy from fear. If you're not afraid, he couldn't do anything to hurt you. It's controversial that clowns are losing their jobs due to this movie. Well, that's because the Pennywise clown is not likeable and has a horrible teeth that eats people. Fear, red balloon and clown were what left in my mind after watching this movie.

Manners maketh man.

And then I received call from my primary school friend, saying there were 2 extra tickets for "Kingsman: The Golden Circle". They were FREE, of course we grabbed and went for it, even though the time was rushing. We were so grateful (maybe we didn't show enough), the movie hadn't start when we reached 8+ p.m.. It should have started at 8 p.m. but thanks to the advertisement, it started around 8:30 p.m.. Needless to say, Kingsman is an amazing one. Their action scenes would just make you WOW. For this sequel, they focused mainly on the "drug" and how U.S. president handled the situation when the drug dealer distributed the poisonous drugs around the world. Found out that the president is a selfish person, he thinks that everyone who takes drugs isn't worth to save, so he locked them up in a stadium and let them go down together with the drug dealer. This is kind of a hero movie, so ended up Kingsman saved the world.

The sky recently is just too beautiful.

Cowardice

I'm fucking hating your cowardice!
 Had been extremely honest, but where's the answer?

   What I get was "has seen".

But maybe your no-reply is the best reply I've got. Thank you?

Feel like I'm being torn apart. :/
Self-loathe. When can I move on?

Where's positivity?

My previous blog posted too many negative and depressed posts so I decided to close it down and opened up a new one instead. I was determined to make my new blog look more fresh and positive. I was.

But I guess humans are prone to negative vibes as somehow being sad is so much easy than being happy. That uplifting is hard you know? When things aren't easy either.

I know being happy is hard, people tend to allow themselves to feel sad for something that they can't control. Like, today is a bad day, because I met a rude road user that cut my queue, and client made me redo thing for God knows how many times she amended, and expecting on time release from work but no. I've read so many articles and even book that tell me how to change my perspective when nasty things happen. It ain't easy, it's even harder to have to decide what to eat for lunch. But I'll try. I don't want my heart to get sick for being too indulged in negativity.

I knew my colleague doesn't like people to step on her shoes, and yet I dunno why I did that yesterday and I caught off my guard because of the expression she wore when she responded to me. The feeling of she-hates-me-now immediately arouse within me. But I just hope it's just me over thinking. I just love over thinking and I can't help it.

I could easily relate to something that I saw, I heard, I read or people's actions and their words. I feel like I've been living too warily. I'm afraid I'll be abandoned because it's me, that make the situation ended in a bad way. It's proven. People I care eventually exit my life. Or maybe I'm the one make them to?

I'm in need of a warm hug and someone who's words aligned with their action. I'm still hoping there will be someone - even if I block them out, they still persist to try until I open my door to them. #miracle #righttiming #rightperson

Rainbows introduce us to reflections of different beautiful possibilities so we never forget that pain and grief are not the final options in life.

- Aberjhani -

也沒什麼

你還要我怎樣 要怎樣

你突然來的短信就夠我悲傷

我沒能力遺忘 你不用提醒我

哪怕結局就這樣

我還能怎樣 能怎樣

最後還不是落得情人的立場

你從來不會想 我何必這樣

- «你還要我怎樣» 薛之謙 -

***那天心血來潮的看回一開始的信息，心想一開始不要那麼矜持，一約就出來見面的我們，現在會是怎樣？

***或許是我一直給自己製造太多的假象，以為我們可能有機會？大概是我想戀愛想瘋了。又或者我只是一直在尋找那熟悉的影子，熟悉的感覺…但其實所謂的感覺、記憶是不是都是自欺欺人？

***完全沒在怕，把心裡想到的什麼都豁出去說了，還被說怎麼那麼厲害調情。我無語。也得看對象是誰啊？我像是那麼濫情的人嗎？但畢竟隔著螢幕，倘若真正見面的我還會那麼毫無畏懼嗎？

***真的，要是能找一個什麼都能聊的，那感覺就無遺憾了。我指的不是一個人單方面的說不停，而是有來有往，在一個話題上互相給意見。當你看到的、想到的、吃到的，就是想跟一個人分享，然後ta給的反應會讓你有滿足感。前者有，但後者在我印象中好像沒有。

***真該改掉tmd的糾結。反正想再多，結局並不會有任何改變。反正該試的我也試了，不是我的而且只有我一個人努力一一就好比用一隻手去鼓掌，能有聲音嗎？一一有意思嗎？

First Levi's

吊高來賣

在這個年代，吊高來賣這一招不管用了。

那天跟舊同事聚會，你懂，聚會根本不可能會跳過感情話題。避不了的追問一一所以妳是還沒有過初戀？是啊～都25歲的人沒戀過是哪裡出現了問題呢？我本人也很納悶。

已有對象的朋友會說
一一肯定是你眼光太高了，我不信沒人追求你。

分手後現在單身的朋友就會語重心長地說
一一希望下次你找到的是一輩子的人，不要像我這樣受傷。

跟我一樣沒戀過的朋友會說
一一順其自然吧～都等了那麼多年，沒差。
一一慘啦！都這個歲數還沒戀過是想怎樣？我現在有很差咩？

所以關於我單身這麼有話題性，每個朋友必定會有一大堆的意見，不管是好的壞的。

回到舊同事的聚會…
她就語重心長說 : " 不要吊高來賣。現在的人不夠堅持而且還有玻璃心。你拒絕2次以後，休想還會有戲。"
這我舉腳贊同！

但可能我被電影、電視劇裡美化的愛情給洗腦，怎樣都還是會期待童話般的戀愛，畢竟這會是我的初戀。然後她又說 : " 不要期待奇蹟的降臨。" 我知道，做人要現實。所以現在甜到掉牙的愛情小品，我一律不看。看了會有不該有期待。

而我媽就會說 : " 如果真的有不錯的對象，那就去試試。"
" 他是不錯，可是沒feel。"
" 沒有feel不是培養咯。"
" 你以為還是那個盲婚啞嫁的年代？沒感情就慢慢培養到有？你跟某些人相處後，你會知道他是不是你找的那個人。"

現在的人很喜歡講這麼抽象的東西。
到底什麼是feel？ 

我也把初戀用放大鏡來看。
初戀也只不過是一個名詞，用來形容你第一次與一個人以男女朋友交往的戀愛關係。
初戀與否，真的有那麼大不了嗎？

然後會有人說一一那是你沒戀過，跟吃不到葡萄說葡萄酸的道理一樣。
無論怎樣，每個人都會有意見。
做自己吧～誠實地…

如果機會降臨

又到了人生的轉折點。
該去？該留？

如果給予機會，
完全脫離舒適圈，
但可能會是你要的那一塊，
你將會如何抉擇？

捫心自問，
趁著還年輕，
趁著還有時間可以消費，
從新出發有何不可？

重點來了一一
不要加班卻要
高薪水，
多假期，
多福利，
能支持我繼續讀回書而給予有薪假期…

想那麼多幹嘛呢？
機會真的來了再算。

所以我要的到底是怎麼樣的人生啊～？

Care too much

Why am I trying so hard?
.
Why am I always feeling like I'm at fault when I did nothing wrong?
.
Why the hell I care when the one I expect to care does not care?
.
Maybe it's really time to let go. Because the chance was given to me and I didn't appreciate it. Maybe this is it. The end of our friendship.
.

Note to myself:
Stop caring when people decide not to care anymore and exit your life.

***

Just when I decided not to care, she replied. After I texted 2 days ago. People never change sometimes. Or perhaps it's just me who text back instantly, to people I care too much. I think somewhat is a karma, because I ignore people's messages too. 

Honest

DON'T let your EARS witness what your EYES didn't see. DON'T let your MOUTH speak what your HEART doesn't feel. LIVE with HONESTY.

There are too many articles, regardless on the newspapers or social media, telling what you should do and what you shouldn't. A thought keep gnawing on me lately - that we're constantly limiting ourselves. That I didn't have enough money, so I can't go travel. That I majored in accounting, thus I have to be an accountant. That everyone around my age has a boyfriend, so I should have one as well.

I wouldn't say staying single is cool, as those in relationship will look at you, envying your freedom. Or the opposite, they'll ask you to get one quickly, not until you don't have much choices left, not until you're old, not until you're not pretty anymore. Because all these society perceptions grow too deeply within all of us and we started to believe that these should be the way we live our lives.

Too many people only exist in this world without really living their lives, to their fullest. I don't want to live my life like every other existence. I had kind of wasted the best time in my life, I'm not going to waste my future, thinking whether I should or I shouldn't. I'll do whatever I feel like it. Of course, there'll be a voice inside saying that I can't, it's impossible, I shouldn't. Fuck that! From now on, I'll be extremely honest to me and myself, and everyone else. Do hate me if you don't like, because no one ever says honesty should be beautiful.

I'll make sure I do whatever I can to make my life less to no regret. I'm gonna mingle whenever I attend whatever event or gathering. I'm gonna love with all my might, even though I may end up being hurt.

Let's be honest, so that you won't live a life full of regrets. :)

Working life... 1. Junior

有時不是不願意給機會給新人，而是他們的學習態度和做出來的結果都是差強人意。（也並不是每個新人都是一個樣）

所以，很多時候寧願什麼都自己做。要不然讓新人做，到最後收拾爛攤子的還是自己，結果造就了double work.

看著新人們，還不是當初自己剛開始接觸這份工作時的模樣。#忍不住罵自己笨

同樣一份耐心，別人能給我，但我卻給不了新人。同樣的事說了2次，如果還是給我一副" 我不明白 " 的臉，一下我的氣又要來了。但，同樣的，如果是我不明白，我也渴望別人可以解釋到我明白為止。#矛盾

而且剛開始不熟悉，手腳一定比較慢。還記得前輩示範教學時，那速度快到我超羨慕的，尤其切換窗口的速度簡直讓我目瞪口呆。現在後輩們投以當時我一樣羨慕的眼神，看著我的手指在鍵盤上跳舞。所有的事情，一旦熟悉了，就會像機械人的日常一一駕輕就熟。然後，人的本性就開始浮現，那就是理所當然的舒適圈。工作上手了，不用腦也能做，除非有特殊狀況。

一直糾結去留，可是一晃就一年半了。糊里糊塗地還升了職，但卻有半年的試用期。該走嗎？我想去新西蘭的打工假期，可是應該會是脫了牙套後的事。唉…都順其自然吧～