兩個寂寞的人

：就怎么说呢…………

：就我最近很想你……所以如果让我叫你要想我的话，感觉会辜负你的想念

辜負？：

：对啊

：就那种感觉

：你很想念一个人，但是对方没有很想念你的时候，那个落差感

哦，你不說我也不知道啊：

而且行動上也feel不到什麼：

你這麼說，我會覺得我好像在給你無形壓力：

：其实还好

：哈哈哈哈

：我是怕你不开心

是還好啦：

就你發的這個，讓我意識到其實我們沒有close到可以無話不說：

：啊～对啊

：我们还没有很Close到无话可说

對啊～ 很多情緒也可能只是因為寂寞而被放大而已。你怕我傷心但實際上也沒做出什麼安慰我的舉動，我也沒辦法要求什麼😂：

就我們的關係很奇怪：

想說什麼但又覺得不可以說🙃：

：友达以上？

友達以上是我們這樣的嗎？😂 ：

比較像2個寂寞的人尋求慰藉卻不果🫣：

——————————————————————

I guess I tried too hard. 

It’s always been like this.

Just wanted somebody I can talk to

But writing seems the only way

It’s okay, at least I’ve tried

一輩子的孤單

我都在觀察身邊的人談戀愛時和另一半的相處模式

在想他們是怎麼樣找到對方並走在一起

還一直到結婚生子

雖然我也只不過活了3個十年

但一直覺得兩個陌生人變成家人是件很神奇的事

常常回想

幾年前短暫的2個月交往經歷

剛結束那段感情的時候

心是撕心裂肺的痛

那時在想——怪不得朋友們都說

如果可以，要談一場不分手的戀愛

也許是真的喜歡過吧？

但更多的是

因為倉促促成了這段關係然後再倉促地結束

還有缺乏溝通自己的內心世界

而造成了對彼此的傷害

所以…大家是怎麼跟另一半磨合、相處的？

我妹可以每天跟她男友有說不完的話題

雖然我也很嚮往，實際上能做到嗎？

彼此要很有分享欲，要接得住對方的負能量

還要充當安慰的角色，等等等…

要讓一段感情成功發芽🌱

還是很講究天時地利人和

又或者我該學著融入現今社會

試試不同的感情模式？

剛剛才看到一篇報導這麼寫道

『78%城市年輕人傾向「偽關係」不羈又甜蜜的戀愛狀態』

這是一種能互相尊重的「偽關係」，彼此不談論未來，且雖非戀愛對象，但仍可進行親密互動。

現在的人真的很亂水

地球🌍很危險

可能我比較適合一輩子孤單

被左右的心情

想想以前部落格是個可以讓我宣洩情緒的地方

把link分享了給那個想讓他看見我寫的心情

在這邊肆意地寫，希望他看到然後過來慰問我

這不要得的心態🙃

最近多愁善感，特別想有個人陪伴、可以說說話

還記得之前搭上了一個剛開始見第一面時超嫌棄

我也不懂，也可能是不記得嫌棄些什麼

後來有第二次約會的時候，還故意裝病爽約

到最近臨時約看一場半夜的電影

心想著會不會發生些什麼

其實電影裡有一幕水火不容的兩個人終於要握手的場面

他當時跟我預想的一樣有伸出手，但我沒勇氣去抓

終歸還是慫了，也許是他太熾熱的眼神？

也許是怕抓了以後的後續發展我心理還沒準備好？

再到後來遇到了另一個只想要把我深吞的他

才莫名想起這個眼神太熾熱的他

腦一熱，跑去質問為什麼看電影那晚啥事都沒發生？

還被他稱讚我勇氣可嘉

有時候跟他說話會覺得心靈被療癒

有時候卻會覺得這個人不怎麼會聊天，冷冰冰的

一副生人勿近，拒人於千里之外

可能對於這個不確定的關係

自己給自己腦補我們這段關係吧

然後就一連串的內耗情緒

抱著手機，等他的信息幾時會進來

在最後一次的深度電聊，他說出了我說不出口的期待

我們都懂大家現在什麼關係都不是

可是我卻一直抱有不該有的期望

希望他能盡快回覆我的信息

有空的時候電聊日常、聊三觀、最好可以啥都聊

超討厭這樣的自己

又不是沒有自己的生活

幹嘛要讓這個期望左右我的心情

有時接到電話，更多的是大家靜靜不說話

受不了那個沒有話題卻硬要聊的自己

每次希望可以說些意想不到的什麼

但最後說的還是跟大眾社會沒兩樣

說話也需要練習吧

不然市面上不會有那麽多教人如何說話的書籍

不懂他會不會剛好看到這一篇

看到了以後他來問我的話，我又該說些什麼？

哈哈哈哈哈

p.s.多表達自己的內心想法也需要多練習🙂

Set the right expectation

或許其實那樣的喜歡本身，就已是種美好認真喜歡過，沒有結果，也是美好

- 樂擎 -

昨天看了《Friendzone》這部泰國電影，以為編劇會讓結局有遺憾，因為現實就是如此，但幸好還是happy ending。大多人都嚮往happy ending，因為現實生活中太多遺憾，想藉由電影來讓慰籍自己。

女主角一直以朋友的身分和男主角在一起是因為不想以情侶的身分失去他。太心碎了😭
其實大家對彼此都有意思，但為了不越過那條線，各自裝傻各自交往來維持這段微妙的關係。可是當女主角一有事情，男主角不顧一切地出現在她面前。10年！男主角默默守護了10年。說真的，現在還有誰能做得到？

然後回想起自己老是與戀愛錯過，總是掛不上鉤。每次以為差點成的事，到最後被選擇的並不是我。是我的問題嗎？是我太渴望了所以得不到？話說為什麼我那麼想要戀愛？現在每個人都主張單身萬歲。的確，聽到朋友們投訴男/女朋友時，會特別慶幸自己還是單身，少了人生一大難題。但是，想到平時有什麼想分享時找不到人分享，那空虛感卻讓人吃不消。

到最後，其實是自己的腦在作祟。把expectation set對了以後，會不會比較容易遇到對的人？🤔

好好愛自己就有人會愛你

這樂觀的說辭🎶

——《關鍵詞》林俊傑
Instagram

只要你不懦弱

明明你也很愛我
沒理由愛不到結果
只要你敢不懦弱
憑什麼我們要錯過
夜長夢還多你就不要想起我
到時候你就知道有多痛

-《你就不要想起我》田馥甄 -

他媽的，拖拖拉拉2年，見個面很難嗎？
＃無膽匪類

或許不想見面只是藉口
醒醒吧，蠢女人！

Easy vs Difficult

Why some people got into a relationship so easily? It's like they don't need any effort and everything is within their hands. And their progress are like lightning!

Why some people keep searching for the right one but the results are always disappointing? But instead, being said that "your standard is too high" or "you're too picky" or many other reasons as to why you're still single.

Why?

I would never understand.
And I would always hold grudges onto this unfairness - why not me?

I probably am the person that can't stand seeing others leading a good life. I'm such an ill-hearted person. 

The right one

Don't mistake salt for sugar.

If he wants to be with you, he will.

It's that simple.

- Rupi Kaur -

Yup, convincing myself that

  I'm not rush

  Eventually the right one will show up

Also chiding myself

  Why the hell I yearn for being in a relationship so much

It's really tired, being a paradox. 

Ugh...

愛情的模樣 #1

大概是…

#1

就算成為情侶，也能做回自己

就算在一起，也能有自己的時間、自己的社交圈子、自己的事業…

而不是因為身分轉變，而把自己變成以為對方想要的模樣

愛情，大概是跟對的人，在對的時間，一起成長

💓

Courage

In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth or to step back into safety.
- Abraham Maslow -

Everyone will be facing a turning point at certain age. My cousin, Erin is facing hers at the age of 27. Fed up with her 2nd job, thus she decided to leave for good. She was in advertising field and it's considered small field in Malaysia. No matter how you jump, the choices are limited.

So, she decided to apply for oversea companies and ended up chosen China's company. At the very last minute of settling her working visa and stuff, she's still struggling whether to go or stay because she heard too many negative voices telling her how bad it is to work in China.

She didn't like China at the first place. Now with so many negative comments about working in China made her more dreaded to go. But anyway, decision is made, she packed her stuff and just went with it. 

Luckily she brought her mom and her sis with her. As I know her, she's lack of sense of direction, very stubborn once she thinks she's right, and she can be hard to get through sometimes, like we're always not in the same channel.

Even though she is dreaded, half a year already passed by. The last I met her was during CNY, with awesome gradiant on her face but with soulless eyes. The good condition on her face was due to cold weather, as for her eyes, she told us she has been insomnia for a month. Deprived of sleep can really drive a person crazy. 

Insomnia is barely occurred in my life, but I had experienced it once. You couldn't sleep when you're supposed to, you would constantly counting down to when you can sleep or when the day comes.

She did some research and found out that she actually has mild depression according to the test she took. Her boss is mean and demotivated. When she was given a task, her boss demanded her to complete within split second. If she couldn't, her boss would chide - why are you being so slow? Didn't you bring your brain to work? When I heard her story, I can tell that he is not a good leader. Working under such person can be so intimidating and stressful. So we can see why she couldn't sleep at night. Or when she finally drifted to sleep, he appeared in her dreams and continued to haunt her.

We advised her, no point to work under such circumstances. It's not like you earning a lot but you almost giving up your health to your work. It's okay to quit and pay the penalty for leaving without completing the job contract. It's not worth to stay for the money.

I watched a talk recently and the speaker talked about it's tough to give up. Because you think you've given too much to come to this far, and now you're being torn in between giving up or continuing. Giving up would mean to give up all your effort to make it this far, but you've lost the passion to continue. The dilemma is hard to tolerate. Well, no matter what we said, the decision maker is still her.

I wanted a chance to leave home as well, but I'm not actively searching. Deep down, I guess I'm too comfort to leave. 

Life, in a nutshell.

沒禮貌

「沒禮貌」和「做自己」往往是一線之差。

我常常主張做自己，但最近有一直在想一一那真的是在做自己嗎？還是我在為我沒禮貌的行為找藉口。

說話直、一針見血是射手的特質。但不分場合，想到什麼就說什麼其實是不成熟/不會說話的表現。嗯，我不擅長交際，是越來越不擅長。這聽上去就很像藉口。然後就會聽到不擅長可以學啊～的聲音在耳際響起。

最近那與這個社會格格不入的感覺越發強烈，想就這麼逃離現況，到世外桃源與世隔絕。如果不那麼做，好像只要碰到雞毛蒜皮的事，就足夠觸發山崩。什麼事都讓我很不爽，很討厭這感覺，但就是怎麼也擺脫不了。

好想要找回內心那份平靜。
若你、你、你有被我說過的話傷害過，我在此說聲「對不起」。

Precise

Is it just me who want things to be clear and precise?

Or maybe I'm just hoping that people would answer the answer I want instead?

Communication is really a hard lesson to learn.

My tomorrow, your yesterday

「明日、会えるかな？」
僕の昨日
君の明日

僕のさよなら
君の初めて

映画 «僕は明日、昨日の君とデートする»

2018 - About work

The time in recent years is like shooting star. When you realised it's the end of 2017, you couldn't even catch the glimpse of its tail. And, it's already 2nd Friday of 2018.

Should I do a review of 2017 to see if I've grew any? Even I doubted myself.
- Let's save it when I remember, maybe the next I'll be doing review for 2018. Hahaha!

About work
Feel trapped, but I'm too comfort to leave. Every new year, I'm eager to leave but every year end, I feel dreadful - why I'm still stuck in the same job?! Upcoming projects, new jobscopes... sounds tempting for new opportunities, but I can foresee it's gonna be another dreadful year. 

Human is greedy. I want my salary to elevate but I know my qualifications are not enough. I wonder if I leave, is there any other firm would want to take me in? Sometimes I guess I LOVE to over think trivia things. I should put focus on important stuff instead.

I find myself hard to cope with things going on in my firm. I constantly live in my own bubble - I don't know who's leaving nor neither do I know the background of new joiners. Socialise, they said. I don't know what to ask if my opponent doesn't start the conversation first. I afraid what I ask would be prying on their personal lives. See, I know I've been thinking too much. I wonder if something is broken within me? Why am I living so carefully?

Ohh, and I find it's hard to be around of my colleagues sometimes. I feel like I've learn nothing much when I'm being asked to explain/teach to new joiner. I don't know how to explain to make sure I got it right. 

There's one slow learner that is wearing down my patience level. The same thing being explained by different people and she still couldn't get it. My colleague went to seek help from her closed friend from other team, saying that we need to boost her confidence level by asking her question that she can answer. I was like, wow. That friend of her really put effort to understand her and trying to tackle her problem.

I really still a kid that never grow up and this feeling keeps gnawing on me recently. I realise I didn't care enough what's happening around me. I only care about myself. Selfish. Self-centered.

When can I grow up? Even just a little, please?

Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle

You're afraid people don't like you, so you decided to hate them first.

It's a completely different story when you only have one life left.

But in reality, we only had one life. It depends on how you wanna live your life to the fullest.

關於歌詞…«就手» by 泳兒

已經是第二次了，所以真的是我的問題？還是一開始就不應該抱有什麼期望，需知道所謂網上結交朋友，從而發展成情侶這種戲份不可能發生在我身上。是我太傻了，也是我一開始就覺得有可能…但我真的是TMD賤。#活該

再也不要以這種結交朋友的方式，楊可薇，我警告你一一不可以！

假使只要一點小吃消遣一下便會找我

假使想要燭光映照舉杯起筷便有需要

找更講究的貨色 我知我僅有的價值

假使只要一刻安慰充塞空檔便記得我

假使想要伴侶那樣摸到捉不到的感覺

便要 尋覓更有趣更神秘角色

比較像是我做的事一一拿熱臉去貼別人的冷屁股。我無法忍受一個會話停滯不前，所以我很努力找話題。儘管被說其實我可以順其自然，有話就聊，如果沒有，那就這樣吧，不需要勉強。但多數都是我先去開始話題，記憶中他鮮少先來說嗨，如果有，應該是一開始的時候吧？那時候大家都還不懂對方，還有神秘面紗可言。我承認，只要我認定了，就毫無掩飾地表露自己，什麼神秘感也隨之消散。

我這麼就手 最終只可化為朋友

奉獻便宜到 認定我不捨得撤走

是啊～現在連朋友都做不成了。一個說盡動人的話語，雖然我討厭甜言蜜語，但唯獨他的無法抗拒; 另一個害怕承諾，一大堆的藉口連一面都沒見到。結果，兩個都有女朋友了。所以…？

明知我即找即到實在也不必上心

明知你在利用我太方便行近

我太像便利店 即使販賣所需的一切

亦沒法留住你這位貴賓

能給你一早給你絕沒有驚喜發生

連好處亦被習慣當應份

其實你 看不起我太易被找到

見慣了再沒法吸引

是我讓自己變得太方便了。

普通的我當然不會差得使你避我憎我

偏偏不會好得使你甘於相信是你心裡

不會感到生厭的 你只記得我出過力

不知道該說他的忍耐度，還是他情商真的是很高，無論我多麼的無理取鬧，他依然會回覆。但他都不是秒回，我一度質問他是怎樣回覆信息的。嗯，我太霸道了。

不分早晚不管天氣不必休假

為你想到這麼周到讓我變成飄忽於左近的空氣

讓你 從沒有興緻去為我歎息

我發現我越來越不會和人相處。一些雞毛蒜皮的事就能讓我緊張兮兮，覺得自己說錯話，得罪人。只要沒被回應，就會立刻聯想是不是又是自己詞不達意，沒被理解。一直覺得身邊的人會因為自己惡劣的表達能力而離自己遠去。畢竟離開我的人也不只一兩個了。

好累，在想我的心是不是病了？

突然又好想哭。

五月天人生有限公司演唱會・馬來西亞站

去年來過了的五月天決定今年再回歸，本來想說很瀟灑地一個人去看演唱會。怎知朋友問要不要一起去，二話不說答應了。其實也是因為她有門路，我們不需要人擠人地搶票，所以決定豁出去了。

第一次自付的演唱會，幸好沒買最便宜的門票。8點才開始，我們6點就到現場排隊入場。我們也算遲了，另一個朋友告訴我4點就好在現場排隊才能霸到好位子。幸好沒聽他說，6點剛剛好。在入場之前一直再猶豫要不要花錢買互動螢光棒，結果還是忍痛買了。買了很值得，因為那是我看過最美的燈海。

開場嘉賓一一鼓鼓，我不認識，但造型很像韓國人，然後一口氣唱了兩首自己的歌外加一首五月天的«瘋狂世界»。終於，精彩的要來了。演唱會以電影的方式拉開帷幕，還有3D效果。電影裡掃射的場面，現場還真的有火花四射！前菜上完以後，五月天就出場唱了第一首歌。現場聽和插著耳機聽真的有差別！太high了！還有互動螢光棒，整個畫面好美。

不知道唱了多少首歌，他們就齊齊坐在台上和我們閒聊。也不知道是那一次的閒聊，他們一起黑石頭，說五月天沒有後援會，只有石頭有。可能後面來馬來西亞的演唱會，隊員都換完了，剩下石頭一個人。他們太搞笑了！

整場演唱會，最美的舞台效果應該是他們唱«成名在望»的時候，那個3D效果，讓我起雞皮疙瘩！最美的燈海，應該就是唱«戀愛ing»的時候吧？色彩繽紛。

我以為演唱會就這麼結束，但他們一次又一次的encore，太感動了。這次演唱會後覺得身為一位歌手真的不容易啊～一個演唱會一唱就是3個小時，對喉嚨的殺傷力可想而知。阿信那天唱完喉嚨也變得沙啞了，都為他心疼了。

本來就不是五月天的鐵粉，但過了這次的演唱會就不一樣了。:)

你問我全世界哪裡最美？

一一答案是你身邊

One is enough for my heart

縱有灼灼桃花十里，
取一放在心上…
足矣。

一一«三生三世十里桃花»電影版

Demotivated

"Have you started to feel demotivated?"
Boss asked.

"Yes."

"What could be the reasons?"

Yea, what are the reasons? I'm pondering too.

Boss would expect you to do more after you were being promoted. Year end is coming, too many unfinished tasks on hand.

Can I slack till I come back from my vacation? I'm hoping I can have some positive changes after my Japan trip.

My passion, my motivation seem missing, where can I look for them? Sigh...

Uncommitted

She's not fully committing to it, 

wanting to make the effort

but truly hoping she wouldn't be noticed,

so she could walk away,

so she could always say she'd tried,

so she could rest easily, guilt free.

- amended & taken from «One Hundred Names» by Cecelia Ahern

Recently picked up jogging as my after-work-exercise. So healthy, yea. But exercise can get sick as well. And I was hoping the rain every single day, so I have got excuse to skip. If I were to run alone, I probably wouldn't have persist for 3 weeks in a row. My self-discipline sucks. Thanks to my jogging buddy a.k.a. my boss.

I find myself kinda slack because I couldn't run for a long time. I couldn't catch my breath. The longest record was I managed to run entire round without stopping. I guess my condition that day was good.

Closing kicking in, which means October is just around the corner. Damn, the last quarter of 2017! What have I achieved so far?

Passed my JLPT N2 with barely-pass-result. Sigh. That's the achievement of the year.

Why writing sad post is easier than a happy one?

Planning to come back here with positive vibes. But no, only when I feel down I remember the fact that I have a blog. This is so pathetic. I made this place of mine a negative emotion outlet.

Why writing something depressed is easier than writing something delightful? People tend to share sad things rather than happy things?

But I decided not to engulf in negative vibes. So let's talk about being grateful.

Have got a 4 days long weekend, but damn, today is already Sunday, oops, it's already Monday, and I feel like I have achieved nothing. I should set out a plan or to-do list, to keep myself in track. However, on the first day of my holiday, I went for a movie marathon. Well, it was kind of unexpected, because I only planned to watch "IT".

You'll float too.

Turned out "IT" wasn't that scary. I didn't know what the story was about, all I ever knew was people kept sharing illustration of a clown under a sewer in Facebook, and illustrating if the sewer is in Malaysia, guess the clown couldn't have the chance to show his face as the sewer would be clogged by rubbish on the road. "IT" wasn't scary but some of the scenes were grossed. Like the one in the bathroom, where the blood gushed from the sink like water fountain and turned the entire bathroom into bloody red room. I like the story revolved around "fear" because the clown gained energy from fear. If you're not afraid, he couldn't do anything to hurt you. It's controversial that clowns are losing their jobs due to this movie. Well, that's because the Pennywise clown is not likeable and has a horrible teeth that eats people. Fear, red balloon and clown were what left in my mind after watching this movie.

Manners maketh man.

And then I received call from my primary school friend, saying there were 2 extra tickets for "Kingsman: The Golden Circle". They were FREE, of course we grabbed and went for it, even though the time was rushing. We were so grateful (maybe we didn't show enough), the movie hadn't start when we reached 8+ p.m.. It should have started at 8 p.m. but thanks to the advertisement, it started around 8:30 p.m.. Needless to say, Kingsman is an amazing one. Their action scenes would just make you WOW. For this sequel, they focused mainly on the "drug" and how U.S. president handled the situation when the drug dealer distributed the poisonous drugs around the world. Found out that the president is a selfish person, he thinks that everyone who takes drugs isn't worth to save, so he locked them up in a stadium and let them go down together with the drug dealer. This is kind of a hero movie, so ended up Kingsman saved the world.

The sky recently is just too beautiful.