Broga Hill

It's not the mountain that we conquer but ourselves.
- Edmund Hillary -

Remember the post where I said we'll make it to the peak of Broga Hill? And here we are (not the peak yet, though)!

Who said Broga Hill is easy? Definitely not easy for me as an amateur. My legs gave way when I finally reached the 2nd peak. But the view totally earned my perspiration.

We reached quite early, but the place was already very crowded. We found ourselves a perfect spot, sat down and admired the dark starry sky. It had been such a long time since I last seen such a beautiful clear sky. The weather was good, although there were clouds here and there, the sky was full of stars and the moon was almost full.

As the sky began to break, people were started to increase too. So Him and I went to look for a spot that could get perfect photographs of the sunrise, while the rest sitting at the same spot and relaxing.

I couldn't apprehend, why there were people littering everywhere. You go to a place, leave only your footsteps but rubbish. But those people just couldn't get it. They even smoked cigarettes! Totally ruining the place, and the nice view.

Starry starry night~

Can you spot Orion?

City with lights

There was lightning hidden behind the enormous clouds.

The sky started to light up.

Broga Hill is famous with cogon grasses.

Us, in our best 'armour'!

Of course, we couldn't have missed our we-fie.

I'm glad that we hiked Broga Hill together. So much fun! :)

心・累

工作到這個時候才到家…
雖然不是每一天，但每個月有幾天是這樣的日子真的很難過。
尤其假日在每個月的第一個禮拜，每個人去放假，只有我們要回到工作崗位拼博，心理難免有點不平衡。

上司還說家人那天拜一明明是假期，但他們並沒有叫她一起去吃早餐。她很失落地問為什麼沒約她去吃早餐？他們回答竟然是你不是要加班咩？吃什麼早餐？是，雖然是要加班，但沒被問到還是挺傷心的。

理解啊～真不明白為什麼那麼死板板，人是生的，規則是死的。明明月頭連假，很多文件很難拿到手，偏偏最頂的那位死都要把工作擠在星期天。哦，TMD！本來星期天是很美好的一天，因為目前的這份工作，會開始默念拜託一到五號都不要在週末，要不然會很慘。我已經經歷了連續兩個月週末假日要加班的生活，沒有說特別可憐，但就是不想。工作憑什麼連我寶貴的週末也給霸佔？

不想做打工仔，也不想當老闆娘。哦～我該怎麼擺脫日復一日的生活？

人無千日好，花無百日紅

過去的小幸福

離開小時候　有了自己的生活　
新鮮的歌　新鮮的念頭
我走在每天必須面對的分岔路　
我懷念過去單純美好的小幸福
- «天黑黑» 孫燕姿 -

不知怎麼，最近總是提不起勁，對身邊的人、事、物都不感興趣。有誰能打救我現在的狀態？我現在是連門都懶得出，就算休假也待在家發臭。

最近朋友們在群組發信息，說著誰誰誰換了新的男朋友。然後我心想說怎麼人就這麼八卦。突然覺得自己彷彿活在自己的花花世界，任何除了和自己有關的事都與我無關。人家換不換男女朋友，是不是換了新工作等等的事其實都不關我們的事。這些都是在聚會上互相寒暄的話題而已，沒必要在別人背後討論。

有時會覺得當初那麼要好的朋友，經過社會的渲染，變成另一個我不再熟悉的人。當然，不可能每個人都停在同一個階段。當時那麼要好或許是因為天天膩在一起，而現在大家各奔東西，想找一天大家都剛好有空坐下來聚一聚的機會比登天還難。

我不懂你是否有這樣的想法，那就是小的時候都發誓長大後絕對不要成為自己最討厭的大人。可是很諷刺，偏偏你就是成為了你最不想成為的大人。小時候會覺得做大人很酷，有很多的自由和金錢。但現實是你小時候認為的自由，長大後卻好像不是那麼一回事。對，你是有自由去選擇你的伴侶、你的工作、你想去哪裡旅行…但同時間你會在多種選擇下苦惱，要做出取捨，當初那些單純美好小幸福，現在卻變得好複雜。

做人真煩！我在想…如果一直這樣想下去，我是不是快得憂鬱症？唉～煩吶！

当初有些事，让我们刻骨铭心；曾经有些人，令我们难以释怀。我们一路走来，告别一段往事，走入下一段风景。路在延伸，风景在变幻，人生没有不变的永恒。走远了再回头看，很多事已经模糊，很多人已经淡忘，只有很少的人与事与我们有关，牵连着我们的幸福与快乐，这才是我们真正要珍惜的地方。

Choices

Decisions are the hardest move to make.
Especially when it's a choice between where you SHOULD be and where you WANT to be.
- Unknown -

SERIOUSLY, I hate to be stuck in dilemma situation. There is an opportunity came knocking on my door, but I was thinking whether I should leave, again. This will be 3rd time round. Nothing is confirmed yet and here I am, over thinking things again.

What should I do? They made it clear they wanted a serious candidate. Probably because I had said too many times that "I'm just trying" or probably I'm asking too much despite of my experience & qualification. They said everything will be fast-going - interview and shortlist and everything. I think I might have screwed the call just now. What the F had I just said? Sigh.

The first thing after the call, I texted my cousin (since she's the one telling me about this). Frankly speaking, I never thought that I would get reply this fast, or I should say I never expect a reply. That call somehow caught me off my guard. I told my cousin I'm not ready to leave, just yet. I was barely here for a year and to leave again? I never put much thought about it, even though I hated this job at the very beginning. The most dreaded job at first has now becomes something that is pretty easy and routine. And the colleagues, especially team lead. I can say that I'm at the best of my luck, because I work under 2 great superiors, at here and at previous workplace. This is why I never think of leaving, because it has already become my comfort zone. Oh, screw it!

After all I'm just afraid to leave my rut. Damn!

Second option

I'm never the first choice of my favourite people. Likewise, there are people never my first choice too, even though I might be their first on the list.

Often, I will stare at my contact list, wondering who could I go to when I need someone to kill time with. Answer is NO ONE. Pathetic eh? Mostly because I didn't want to disturb their life, afraid they're being caught up with their own life. Who is free to spare some time for me? And then, I wonder - why can't I do things by my own? Can't I have some me-time?

Or, there were friends asking me out. But I was weighing - whether to go or not to go. What?! I had been complaining and now there were friends asking me out, finally I had got plan but I have to mull over it. Such contradiction!

Sometimes I'm frustrated. Like we'd been saying about travelling together, or maybe just me saying about it. Finally someone texted me, saying AirAsia has got promotion. Probably I misconstrued it as "let's go travel", but ended up I was just think too much. I was being informed there was cheap air ticket, but I was not being invited to travel together. Of course, there were people asking, but I wasn't very keen to travel with them. I just want to be somewhere with my favourite people, but the irony is that, I'm not in their favourite people list.

It's okay, I told myself repeatedly. I'll just need to get used to being alone. Because I matter and no one else.

p.s. it took me long enough to finish writing such emotional post.

Funny thought

噗嗤一一

被自己莫名其妙的想法給逗笑了

I don't really meet colleagues from other departments. We usually talked over the phone regarding job issues. I only found out who is the guy I had been talking over the phone for few months through company team building event. And funny enough, we had been assigned to the same group. But at the end of the day, we didn't introduce ourselves. So I'm not sure if he knows me, but I know him because my teammate pointed him out.

And then there is this girl, we're from the same department but different team. We're somehow hi-bye friends as we never engage in a long chatty conversation. As from what I heard, she's pretty emotional kind of person because of her horoscope is Cancer. Not sure why though. But she always seems to have something on her mind. There was one day, she went to consult my teammate, asked him a lot of questions regarding relationship. Then we started to guess, she probably has got a boyfriend and got into some relationship issues.

I came out from office building just like normal, but I caught a glimpse of them sitting at the pavement. The girl was tugging on the guy's arm. I quickly walked by, and after a few steps, I turned around and saw the girl smiling brightly at me and waved her hand to me.

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As to why I said I laughed at my own funny thought is that, I actually think that guy is quite good-looking. Due to my wild imagination, I had a picture drawn in my mind that him being my boyfriend. HAHAHA! Despite we had never talk to each other face-to-face.

I can't help but laugh at my silly thought. But the moment I saw the girl smiling so brightly, I know somehow she's happy now. :)

Lemon

When life gives you lemon, make it into lemonade.

***Well, not every lemon can make into lemonade though. And its sourness can make you frown and wrinkle your nose.

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DON'T READ, IT WILL SERIOUSLY AFFECT YOUR GOOD MOOD. I MERELY WRITE TO RANT THE INDESCRIBABLE FEELING OF MINE.

Sometimes I'm pretty fed up with trivial things that happened around me.

#Like, I always can't find companion to go travel with me. What's worst - is that I limit myself. I need to have a companion to travel with. Screw my stupid dependency! When can I leave my rut? When can I leave my comfort zone? I guess I just can't channel enough courage to make the first step, even though I keep saying I'll make it to Japan alone, someday. But that someday doesn't seem to be in near future.

#Like, when I thought the trip is on for sure because everyone is so excited about it, and then it's off. Why? I've got no time. I'm so poor. I can't take leave. Various excuses started to pop up. They made me so excited about it and then they poured a bucket of ice water on me, extinguishing my excitement.

#Like, complaining is one of my hobbies. I know very well actually those things are best to keep in my heart rather than saying out loud. But I just uncontrollably grumbling about it, even to my own ears, they sound like stink shit. And I can't stop myself.

#Like, I dun really like what I'm doing now, but I dunno what I can do to make the current situation gets better. And an invisible "stress?" - I'm not even sure if that feeling is called stress - makes me suffocate. But I can't give up my life. What would make me then? There are so many people struggling to live and here I am, whining and not working hard to make my everyday counts.

At some moments, I feel like disappearing into thin air and wonder what this world would be like without me? I guess it would just be one person lesser to fight over the oxygen. Oops, too negative, sorry.

#Like, whatever I written up there is not worth to read. Unless, when you manage to read till here and you can somehow relate. Otherwise, this is just another piece of shit. 

我 希 望 十 年 後 的 我 還 是 好 好 的。

Tinder

Find the person who you stay up all night laughing with. That's the person you should want to end up with. Not the one with instant sparks.  - Alexandria Brown -

I wonder if he still reads my blog.

His compliment never failed to flatter me. He was the one that said I'm good at writing, expressing myself through words. He was the one that said so when no one else does, not even myself. At least I didn't think so.

He had said a lot of things, trivial or not, some still etched deeply in my mind and had once made my heart skipped a lot of beats. But I couldn't recall his voice anymore. It sounded distant, like someone trying to speak through water. He was the one I thought I was almost in love. I thought.

When it rained, when the sun set, when my phone was not beeping, when... those were the times I would miss him most. But not anymore. 

Sagittarius is not meant to be a whiney; Sagittarius is meant to live freely, there is no one that he/she couldn't live without.

 I should have realised then. He was just good at frivolous talks, when no action is required. Girls - most of them - love those talks. Those that made them feel wanted. I thought I hated it too, but he was too good at it; the timing, the way he said it...

But I should have realised back then - not everyone that you know from the cyber world is worth believing in. At least, there's an unwritten rule that said don't pour whole-heartedly until you have affirmed, before that, it is just a GAME.

As to why I fell so hard - but not too deep - I guess it was because of the instant sparks. He never skipped any question that I asked and he shared almost everything. Though I couldn't be sure how much of the truth contained, but I did enjoy the topics we talked about. It was rare to find someone that basically talks about everything, especially he was just a stranger. 

Besides, I guess this is essential to keep a conversation going because if there's no people doing the sharing part, a conversation doesn't work when two people are doing the listening part.

I'm not missing the person, instead I missing that moment. Such moment is hard to come by. Thank you for the moment that we shared.

Okay, enough of mourning the past. 
  Let bygone be bygone.
     I'll meet the right one, eventually! :')
        Be positive.

Ranting

有些心情如果不寫下來，就會被遺忘。

Didnt feel like writing lately. Who else read blog these days? But humans are contradictory being. Yea, I would say I write for my own perusal, but when no one is reading it, I would feel depressed somehow. Ugh. Maybe deep down I'm just hoping someone that read my piece is sharing the same thought with me.

Sometimes I'm seriously hating the job I'm doing right now. I know I'm considered super lucky except the fact that I have to work during public holidays and sacrifice my weekends. Because I could use the overtime I worked to claim self-declare holidays. Some jobs do not offer such things. So I know I'm lucky.

But you know people tend to complain when there's only one bad thing that happened. They didn't take into account the remaining 9 good things that happened. That's why there's a saying - when one did wrong, no one remember the good that he did but the one fault that he made. So I'm in the same category, complaining and complaining and not improving. I guess I'm those wanting to be adventurous but deep inside I'm actually a coward.

Look at those at my age - I'm comparing with those successful one - They are entrepreneurs, earning their own money, supporting their own finance. And me? Not one achievement so far, earning the thin income that is not enough to support my family but for my own selfish desire to travel.

Sigh, in an early morning shouldn't be ranting stuff like this. It's a perfect weather for sleeping in and also a weather to use as an excuse for being late. Damn, I'm - we're all - getting stuck in a train, for more than half an hour already. Was thinking to drive but because of raining, I changed my mind which lead to current situation.

Screw it, really!

Sorry, I'm exuding negative vibe early in the morning. 

THE TIME OF MY LIFE

"You're half-assed, you waste time, you never finish anything that's not a bottle of wine or a bar of chocolate. You change your mind all of the time. You can't commit."

"Why are you telling me things that I already know?" I spoke like I didn't care but in truth it was disturbing to listen to. It was disturbing to know that all the little things I did in secret were being noted by somebody, and being logged in a computer for some stressed-out office nerd to read like I was some sort of solitaire game.

I was doing something that needed to be done and I felt the burden of it every step of the way. As they connected me and the phone rang, I began to think of hanging up. It wasn't just the phone call; it was having to follow through that bothered me.

If you think your life's a waste of time,

If you think your time's a waste of life,

Come over to this land, take a look around.

Is this a tragic situation,

Or a massive demonstration,

Where do we hide?

- Down on me, Aslan -

"These are all very acceptable things in modern society. You're sick; you go to the doctor, you get antibiotics. You're depressed; you talk to a therapist, they might give you antidepressants. Your grays show; you get your color done. But with your life you make a few bad decisions, get unlucky a few times, whatever, but you have to keep going, right? Nobody can see the underneath part of who you are, and if you can't see it-if an x-ray and a camera can't take a picture of it for you-in this day and age the belief is, it's not there..."

"...How else do you think life happens? A series of coincidences and occurrences have to happen somehow. Our lives all crash and collide and you think there's no reason or rhyme it? If there wasn't any reason for it all, what would be the point? Why do you think anything happens at all? There is an outcome, repercussions and occurrences to everybody you meet and everything you say..."

"The better I do for you [life], the more I alienate other people. What good is that for me?"
"Right now, not much, but down the line it'll pay off. They just need to get to know you."
"They [my friends] know me."
"You don't even know you, how can you expect them to?"

Life has a way of getting what it wants when it really knows what it wants.

"...If you have a dream, you want to at least be able to try to achieve it in some way. Something that is seemingly beyond your grasp but that you know that with a bit of hard work you could possibly achieve. Walking to your local newsstand to buy a lottery ticket is not inspiring. Dreams should make you think - if I had the guts to do it and I didn't care what anybody thought, this is what I'd really do."

I tried to think about my dreams, where I wanted to be, what I really wanted, but I think to know what you want, you have to know what you don't want and all I could figure out was that I really wished Life hadn't contacted me so I could have continued on the path I was on. Life had complicated things, Life had tried to make things move on when I was perfectly content.

"...I googled people's dreams. Because you're right. I didn't have one, which is rather pathetic, I should have one."
"I don't know which is more pathetic, not having a dream or googling other people's."

Again, I didn't like what I had but I didn't know what I wanted, so I was once again aimless.

I didn't want it to end like this, even though it had been me who had led it in this direction, but I couldn't bring myself to say anything.

"What does that shit even mean? Geological happiness?"
"Most people look for fulfillment and happiness within themselves; you, on the other hand, physically move to another county thinking it will help things."

I'd rather I never had to work again, I still hadn't found a passion for anything, that nauseating word I kept hearing people say to me, and even though I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, I was starting to get on the right way of thinking.

By Cecelia Ahern