愛情的模樣 #1

大概是…

#1

就算成為情侶，也能做回自己

就算在一起，也能有自己的時間、自己的社交圈子、自己的事業…

而不是因為身分轉變，而把自己變成以為對方想要的模樣

愛情，大概是跟對的人，在對的時間，一起成長

💓

Courage

In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth or to step back into safety.
- Abraham Maslow -

Everyone will be facing a turning point at certain age. My cousin, Erin is facing hers at the age of 27. Fed up with her 2nd job, thus she decided to leave for good. She was in advertising field and it's considered small field in Malaysia. No matter how you jump, the choices are limited.

So, she decided to apply for oversea companies and ended up chosen China's company. At the very last minute of settling her working visa and stuff, she's still struggling whether to go or stay because she heard too many negative voices telling her how bad it is to work in China.

She didn't like China at the first place. Now with so many negative comments about working in China made her more dreaded to go. But anyway, decision is made, she packed her stuff and just went with it. 

Luckily she brought her mom and her sis with her. As I know her, she's lack of sense of direction, very stubborn once she thinks she's right, and she can be hard to get through sometimes, like we're always not in the same channel.

Even though she is dreaded, half a year already passed by. The last I met her was during CNY, with awesome gradiant on her face but with soulless eyes. The good condition on her face was due to cold weather, as for her eyes, she told us she has been insomnia for a month. Deprived of sleep can really drive a person crazy. 

Insomnia is barely occurred in my life, but I had experienced it once. You couldn't sleep when you're supposed to, you would constantly counting down to when you can sleep or when the day comes.

She did some research and found out that she actually has mild depression according to the test she took. Her boss is mean and demotivated. When she was given a task, her boss demanded her to complete within split second. If she couldn't, her boss would chide - why are you being so slow? Didn't you bring your brain to work? When I heard her story, I can tell that he is not a good leader. Working under such person can be so intimidating and stressful. So we can see why she couldn't sleep at night. Or when she finally drifted to sleep, he appeared in her dreams and continued to haunt her.

We advised her, no point to work under such circumstances. It's not like you earning a lot but you almost giving up your health to your work. It's okay to quit and pay the penalty for leaving without completing the job contract. It's not worth to stay for the money.

I watched a talk recently and the speaker talked about it's tough to give up. Because you think you've given too much to come to this far, and now you're being torn in between giving up or continuing. Giving up would mean to give up all your effort to make it this far, but you've lost the passion to continue. The dilemma is hard to tolerate. Well, no matter what we said, the decision maker is still her.

I wanted a chance to leave home as well, but I'm not actively searching. Deep down, I guess I'm too comfort to leave. 

Life, in a nutshell.

沒禮貌

「沒禮貌」和「做自己」往往是一線之差。

我常常主張做自己，但最近有一直在想一一那真的是在做自己嗎？還是我在為我沒禮貌的行為找藉口。

說話直、一針見血是射手的特質。但不分場合，想到什麼就說什麼其實是不成熟/不會說話的表現。嗯，我不擅長交際，是越來越不擅長。這聽上去就很像藉口。然後就會聽到不擅長可以學啊～的聲音在耳際響起。

最近那與這個社會格格不入的感覺越發強烈，想就這麼逃離現況，到世外桃源與世隔絕。如果不那麼做，好像只要碰到雞毛蒜皮的事，就足夠觸發山崩。什麼事都讓我很不爽，很討厭這感覺，但就是怎麼也擺脫不了。

好想要找回內心那份平靜。
若你、你、你有被我說過的話傷害過，我在此說聲「對不起」。

Precise

Is it just me who want things to be clear and precise?

Or maybe I'm just hoping that people would answer the answer I want instead?

Communication is really a hard lesson to learn.

My tomorrow, your yesterday

「明日、会えるかな？」
僕の昨日
君の明日

僕のさよなら
君の初めて

映画 «僕は明日、昨日の君とデートする»

2018 - About work

The time in recent years is like shooting star. When you realised it's the end of 2017, you couldn't even catch the glimpse of its tail. And, it's already 2nd Friday of 2018.

Should I do a review of 2017 to see if I've grew any? Even I doubted myself.
- Let's save it when I remember, maybe the next I'll be doing review for 2018. Hahaha!

About work
Feel trapped, but I'm too comfort to leave. Every new year, I'm eager to leave but every year end, I feel dreadful - why I'm still stuck in the same job?! Upcoming projects, new jobscopes... sounds tempting for new opportunities, but I can foresee it's gonna be another dreadful year. 

Human is greedy. I want my salary to elevate but I know my qualifications are not enough. I wonder if I leave, is there any other firm would want to take me in? Sometimes I guess I LOVE to over think trivia things. I should put focus on important stuff instead.

I find myself hard to cope with things going on in my firm. I constantly live in my own bubble - I don't know who's leaving nor neither do I know the background of new joiners. Socialise, they said. I don't know what to ask if my opponent doesn't start the conversation first. I afraid what I ask would be prying on their personal lives. See, I know I've been thinking too much. I wonder if something is broken within me? Why am I living so carefully?

Ohh, and I find it's hard to be around of my colleagues sometimes. I feel like I've learn nothing much when I'm being asked to explain/teach to new joiner. I don't know how to explain to make sure I got it right. 

There's one slow learner that is wearing down my patience level. The same thing being explained by different people and she still couldn't get it. My colleague went to seek help from her closed friend from other team, saying that we need to boost her confidence level by asking her question that she can answer. I was like, wow. That friend of her really put effort to understand her and trying to tackle her problem.

I really still a kid that never grow up and this feeling keeps gnawing on me recently. I realise I didn't care enough what's happening around me. I only care about myself. Selfish. Self-centered.

When can I grow up? Even just a little, please?

Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle

You're afraid people don't like you, so you decided to hate them first.

It's a completely different story when you only have one life left.

But in reality, we only had one life. It depends on how you wanna live your life to the fullest.

關於歌詞…«就手» by 泳兒

已經是第二次了，所以真的是我的問題？還是一開始就不應該抱有什麼期望，需知道所謂網上結交朋友，從而發展成情侶這種戲份不可能發生在我身上。是我太傻了，也是我一開始就覺得有可能…但我真的是TMD賤。#活該

再也不要以這種結交朋友的方式，楊可薇，我警告你一一不可以！

假使只要一點小吃消遣一下便會找我

假使想要燭光映照舉杯起筷便有需要

找更講究的貨色 我知我僅有的價值

假使只要一刻安慰充塞空檔便記得我

假使想要伴侶那樣摸到捉不到的感覺

便要 尋覓更有趣更神秘角色

比較像是我做的事一一拿熱臉去貼別人的冷屁股。我無法忍受一個會話停滯不前，所以我很努力找話題。儘管被說其實我可以順其自然，有話就聊，如果沒有，那就這樣吧，不需要勉強。但多數都是我先去開始話題，記憶中他鮮少先來說嗨，如果有，應該是一開始的時候吧？那時候大家都還不懂對方，還有神秘面紗可言。我承認，只要我認定了，就毫無掩飾地表露自己，什麼神秘感也隨之消散。

我這麼就手 最終只可化為朋友

奉獻便宜到 認定我不捨得撤走

是啊～現在連朋友都做不成了。一個說盡動人的話語，雖然我討厭甜言蜜語，但唯獨他的無法抗拒; 另一個害怕承諾，一大堆的藉口連一面都沒見到。結果，兩個都有女朋友了。所以…？

明知我即找即到實在也不必上心

明知你在利用我太方便行近

我太像便利店 即使販賣所需的一切

亦沒法留住你這位貴賓

能給你一早給你絕沒有驚喜發生

連好處亦被習慣當應份

其實你 看不起我太易被找到

見慣了再沒法吸引

是我讓自己變得太方便了。

普通的我當然不會差得使你避我憎我

偏偏不會好得使你甘於相信是你心裡

不會感到生厭的 你只記得我出過力

不知道該說他的忍耐度，還是他情商真的是很高，無論我多麼的無理取鬧，他依然會回覆。但他都不是秒回，我一度質問他是怎樣回覆信息的。嗯，我太霸道了。

不分早晚不管天氣不必休假

為你想到這麼周到讓我變成飄忽於左近的空氣

讓你 從沒有興緻去為我歎息

我發現我越來越不會和人相處。一些雞毛蒜皮的事就能讓我緊張兮兮，覺得自己說錯話，得罪人。只要沒被回應，就會立刻聯想是不是又是自己詞不達意，沒被理解。一直覺得身邊的人會因為自己惡劣的表達能力而離自己遠去。畢竟離開我的人也不只一兩個了。

好累，在想我的心是不是病了？

突然又好想哭。

五月天人生有限公司演唱會・馬來西亞站

去年來過了的五月天決定今年再回歸，本來想說很瀟灑地一個人去看演唱會。怎知朋友問要不要一起去，二話不說答應了。其實也是因為她有門路，我們不需要人擠人地搶票，所以決定豁出去了。

第一次自付的演唱會，幸好沒買最便宜的門票。8點才開始，我們6點就到現場排隊入場。我們也算遲了，另一個朋友告訴我4點就好在現場排隊才能霸到好位子。幸好沒聽他說，6點剛剛好。在入場之前一直再猶豫要不要花錢買互動螢光棒，結果還是忍痛買了。買了很值得，因為那是我看過最美的燈海。

開場嘉賓一一鼓鼓，我不認識，但造型很像韓國人，然後一口氣唱了兩首自己的歌外加一首五月天的«瘋狂世界»。終於，精彩的要來了。演唱會以電影的方式拉開帷幕，還有3D效果。電影裡掃射的場面，現場還真的有火花四射！前菜上完以後，五月天就出場唱了第一首歌。現場聽和插著耳機聽真的有差別！太high了！還有互動螢光棒，整個畫面好美。

不知道唱了多少首歌，他們就齊齊坐在台上和我們閒聊。也不知道是那一次的閒聊，他們一起黑石頭，說五月天沒有後援會，只有石頭有。可能後面來馬來西亞的演唱會，隊員都換完了，剩下石頭一個人。他們太搞笑了！

整場演唱會，最美的舞台效果應該是他們唱«成名在望»的時候，那個3D效果，讓我起雞皮疙瘩！最美的燈海，應該就是唱«戀愛ing»的時候吧？色彩繽紛。

我以為演唱會就這麼結束，但他們一次又一次的encore，太感動了。這次演唱會後覺得身為一位歌手真的不容易啊～一個演唱會一唱就是3個小時，對喉嚨的殺傷力可想而知。阿信那天唱完喉嚨也變得沙啞了，都為他心疼了。

本來就不是五月天的鐵粉，但過了這次的演唱會就不一樣了。:)

你問我全世界哪裡最美？

一一答案是你身邊

One is enough for my heart

縱有灼灼桃花十里，
取一放在心上…
足矣。

一一«三生三世十里桃花»電影版