Saturday, December 31, 2016

心情

誰會在乎我的心情?
除了我懂的
還有人讀我的心情嗎

但我未免也太自我了
非要所有人都繞著我轉
#不想成為焦點但默默希望被人關注

我在想
秒回其實是不是一件壞事
因為你
讓對方少了揣測你心思的時間
讓對方同時也覺得失去了新鮮感
是不要表現得太露骨嗎
秒回是不是就代表不矜持
是不是誰都會覺得太咄咄逼人了

誰都沒告訴我啊
所以是想怎樣

為什麼回一個短訊也要複雜化

為什麼人
一定要那麼複雜


維持一段關係
不能太熱
也不能太冷
要保持在溫和的溫度
但什麼樣的溫度才是最好的呢
你覺得太熱
但對方會覺得還好啊
你覺得太冷
但對方會覺得那沒什麼

或許我必須得先搞清楚
能聊得來並不代表什麼
可能對方比較健談
可能你剛好開啟了對方的話匣子
陪你聊了幾天
說話有些曖昧
就覺得對方對你有意思

我一定是從來沒戀過
腦子進水了
想瘋了


但如果
愛情真的來到
我會抓緊嗎?

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Unintentional

Great intentions become tragic action when delivered without careful thought.
- Michael Dooley -


It was never my intention to write a post that would depress my friends. It was supposed to be my train of thought. I'm at the age whereby everyone is constantly worrying or rather interested to know my relationship status.

So here's the story. My friend's friend, let's call him L, he told my friend that he's interested in me and asked if he can follow my insta. I didn't know it was him until my friend asked me in our whatsapp group. I wasn't interested at all, so I didn't bother.

We gathered the day before my birthday, and they brought this up.
"So how? Did you approve him?"
"No."
"Why? We never ask you to go straight to bf/gf stage. We're just asking you to get to know a friend. A new friend."
"Alright. I'll approve now. Okay?"
I immediately approved in front of them, so that they won't bring this up again. Hahaha.

I know sooner or later L will come pm me. Never did I thought that he would wish me on my birthday. But I never asked why he know. I just replied thank you, with an emoticon - to keep my manner in line. He replied further, but I didn't know how to continue. The next day, he came with introduction and more questions and I felt bad because I replied very half-heartedly. And I, myself could felt the sarcasm in all my messages that I replied.

I brought this up to my primary school friends. Guess what? This is a small small world. They happened to know him because they studied the same high school.

I told this story to my college friend, CY and M was there too. Both me and CY are said to be having high requirements on bf. But basically, we're just very dependent on feeling. No matter how good is that person, no feeling means no further engagement. By here means not even becoming friends.

My friends keep asking what are my criteria. They're really simple though - taller than me and able to talk about everything. My insurance agent laughed at me and said these criteria are hard to achieve, given that I'm taller than average girls.

Whatever. Humans are contradictory, anyway.


Monday, December 26, 2016

左右

Stop! 為什麼我總讓別人來左右我的心情?為什麼我的心情不能由我自己來控制?TMD, 我受夠了!

1. 被人放飛機、
2. 被人忽略、
3. 從來就不是別人的第一選擇
其實也沒什麼,就當下的那個感覺很#香菇,很#藍瘦。然後自我安慰說一一ta或許真的不得空,其實也就是自己想太多。哈哈哈!

我也不曉得自己每次要求別人給的安全感是什麼意思。既讀既回嗎?連自己都做不到的事,憑什麼要別人做到。

#放下那該死的玻璃心吧


Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Money #1

"If there's a lack of money in your life, understand that feeling worried, envious, jealous, disappointed, discouraged, doubtful or fearful about money can never bring more money to you, because those feelings come from a lack of gratitude for the money you have." 
- Rhonda Byrne -


A lot had happened lately and I think I'm losing my mind soon.

I dunno why I'm being an easy target for multi-level marketing (now they used a more professional term, i.e. network marketing/network franchising/network distribution). I didn't do much homework over the internet because it seems to be fruitless. This is a complicated world, I'm not sure who should I trust, not even my gut. Aha.

They don't use aggressive approaches anymore, instead they came by saying hi and started to chat away with the current issues like:-
1. Money [which most of the people are lacking right now] 
2. Job you're doing but you hated it or you feel that you're not being appreciated
3. You posted a lot of negative status in social media and being moody and everything.

And they came to asked what happened and started to introduce a lot of their friends to you. They're a bunch of people who emit positive vibes. Tell me, who doesn't like positive people? So motivating, so inspiring. Except, they're not telling you what they do. Because you're curious, you successfully walked into the world they created. Congratulations!

They keep asking to meet with you, introducing more and more friends to you, arranging meeting, gradually showing you what you have been curious all the time. These people know a lot of professionals which include psychologists. So they know what to say, the words they presume you need desperately - as you seem to be barely surviving in this cruel world.

I was being brought to the meeting, 2 days in a row. They said it was a pre-training session, for me to have a better understanding on Sunday event. I came to know and was totally dumbfounded with how they convince everyone to join them. If your mind are not strong enough, you probably will be tricked by their mind game.

I was supposed to check things up before Sunday came. But nope. I don't know what I did and I let the time slipped through my hand. And it was Sunday already. We arrived at the hotel pretty early, before 9 AM. Damn, I think I could fall asleep.
Event started about 9 AM. They were shouting and asking those high ranking to give sharing as to why they were all in this business. And when every one of them shared, they were shouting something like slogan. There were 3 sharers, some shouted the slogan for more than once. OMG. My friend told me there would be culture shock. I was okay with them shouting and everything, but can they be more civilised? Like sharing through a mic and let us all sit down, instead of gathered in front of the sharer, feeling out of breath because everyone was standing too close to each other.

I was impressed because the speakers were awesome. They know how to grab your attention. But when it came to the last session, where they broke down the part how shortcut could earn faster, to the extent of borrowing bank loan, I started to think that what is this business actually do? You're required to pump in 5 digits amount instead of the 4 digits when I heard in the office. They said that was the usual way and was required by law to explain upfront before introducing us the shortcut.

I almost go for it because in the first month you would get rebate and be able to repay the loan you borrowed up to 5 months. Luckily I asked another friend of mine, he asked why I asked. I said I've got a feeling he went through all these before, and bingo, I was right! I was so lucky to meet him first before go straight to borrowing. If I really did so, I must be really out of my mind.

I met with so many partners that my friend introduced, there was one that made me feel intimidating. Because it's like he could see through me. Lolol. Or maybe because he studied psychology, so he's good at studying people. He knew I was looking for changes.

"Everyone is saying they wanted changes, but no one really takes any action despite just saying. Today they said they wanna change, but then tomorrow they'll go back to their rut, forgetting what they had said the day before." I guess that's pretty much - me. He asked what is it that I'm afraid of? What is it that stopping me to make changes? You've got nothing to lose. Put aside all the fears that you think you're feeling, because they're not real.

Well, after Sunday event, maybe it was fear - because I need to go to the extent of borrowing such a big chunk of money to do this business. They explained in a way that looks extremely easy. But the ugly truth probably is they all just want to get someone in so they can settle their debts, even quicker.

I wouldn't say this is not a doable business nor this is a scam like those cynics said. It all depends on your choice. If you're a risk seeker and you believe you can bring in 5 friends, then you can earn that money. But if you're not, just sit back and watch the rest earn the money instead of spreading bad things about it.

Good luck and happy earning to those who joined. :D

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Birthday

Growing old is mandatory but growing up is optional. 
-Walt Disney-


24 years ago, my mom gave birth to me. Giving all her best, hoping one day I'll be a great person. Living up to this point, I feel like I haven't live up to anyone's expectation. I'm still looking desperately for the purpose of my life.

I wasn't happy today, even though I think I'm supposed to. There's a lump in my throat, making me wanna cry. Tears rolling down my cheek uncontrollably, thinking what the heck I'm doing on my birthday. Self-declare birthday leave but rotting at home. Cousin was supposed to pick me up and we were supposed to be chatting away with life. But I was fed up. I was pissed off with everything. There was no conclusion arrive after hours of texting. No one bothered. If someone did, they would have show up and drag me out of my house. Never mind, I know I'm expecting too much. Who am I?

There ain't many wishes this morning. Though I'm excited to see piles of texts coming in. But no. And the wishes only started coming in when I posted the screenshot, revealing that today is my birthday. 


This was never my intention. I replied half-heartedly. I didn't feel like smiling but I still replied with smiling emoticon. I don't know what had gotten to me, feeling down all of the sudden.

I don't know who I can go to. I don't know what is causing my sadness. If I really want to confide in someone, I don't know what to tell.

My birthday is supposed to be a good wrap up for year 2016 but looking at the current situation, I'll probably cry myself to sleep tonight.

No one will read this anyway. Because I'm just an attention seeker af. Okay, bye.

Last but not least, happy birthday to myself. Officially 24.