Courage

In any given moment we have two options: to step forward into growth or to step back into safety.
- Abraham Maslow -

Everyone will be facing a turning point at certain age. My cousin, Erin is facing hers at the age of 27. Fed up with her 2nd job, thus she decided to leave for good. She was in advertising field and it's considered small field in Malaysia. No matter how you jump, the choices are limited.

So, she decided to apply for oversea companies and ended up chosen China's company. At the very last minute of settling her working visa and stuff, she's still struggling whether to go or stay because she heard too many negative voices telling her how bad it is to work in China.

She didn't like China at the first place. Now with so many negative comments about working in China made her more dreaded to go. But anyway, decision is made, she packed her stuff and just went with it. 

Luckily she brought her mom and her sis with her. As I know her, she's lack of sense of direction, very stubborn once she thinks she's right, and she can be hard to get through sometimes, like we're always not in the same channel.

Even though she is dreaded, half a year already passed by. The last I met her was during CNY, with awesome gradiant on her face but with soulless eyes. The good condition on her face was due to cold weather, as for her eyes, she told us she has been insomnia for a month. Deprived of sleep can really drive a person crazy. 

Insomnia is barely occurred in my life, but I had experienced it once. You couldn't sleep when you're supposed to, you would constantly counting down to when you can sleep or when the day comes.

She did some research and found out that she actually has mild depression according to the test she took. Her boss is mean and demotivated. When she was given a task, her boss demanded her to complete within split second. If she couldn't, her boss would chide - why are you being so slow? Didn't you bring your brain to work? When I heard her story, I can tell that he is not a good leader. Working under such person can be so intimidating and stressful. So we can see why she couldn't sleep at night. Or when she finally drifted to sleep, he appeared in her dreams and continued to haunt her.

We advised her, no point to work under such circumstances. It's not like you earning a lot but you almost giving up your health to your work. It's okay to quit and pay the penalty for leaving without completing the job contract. It's not worth to stay for the money.

I watched a talk recently and the speaker talked about it's tough to give up. Because you think you've given too much to come to this far, and now you're being torn in between giving up or continuing. Giving up would mean to give up all your effort to make it this far, but you've lost the passion to continue. The dilemma is hard to tolerate. Well, no matter what we said, the decision maker is still her.

I wanted a chance to leave home as well, but I'm not actively searching. Deep down, I guess I'm too comfort to leave. 

Life, in a nutshell.

Demotivated

"Have you started to feel demotivated?"
Boss asked.

"Yes."

"What could be the reasons?"

Yea, what are the reasons? I'm pondering too.

Boss would expect you to do more after you were being promoted. Year end is coming, too many unfinished tasks on hand.

Can I slack till I come back from my vacation? I'm hoping I can have some positive changes after my Japan trip.

My passion, my motivation seem missing, where can I look for them? Sigh...

Where's positivity?

My previous blog posted too many negative and depressed posts so I decided to close it down and opened up a new one instead. I was determined to make my new blog look more fresh and positive. I was.

But I guess humans are prone to negative vibes as somehow being sad is so much easy than being happy. That uplifting is hard you know? When things aren't easy either.

I know being happy is hard, people tend to allow themselves to feel sad for something that they can't control. Like, today is a bad day, because I met a rude road user that cut my queue, and client made me redo thing for God knows how many times she amended, and expecting on time release from work but no. I've read so many articles and even book that tell me how to change my perspective when nasty things happen. It ain't easy, it's even harder to have to decide what to eat for lunch. But I'll try. I don't want my heart to get sick for being too indulged in negativity.

I knew my colleague doesn't like people to step on her shoes, and yet I dunno why I did that yesterday and I caught off my guard because of the expression she wore when she responded to me. The feeling of she-hates-me-now immediately arouse within me. But I just hope it's just me over thinking. I just love over thinking and I can't help it.

I could easily relate to something that I saw, I heard, I read or people's actions and their words. I feel like I've been living too warily. I'm afraid I'll be abandoned because it's me, that make the situation ended in a bad way. It's proven. People I care eventually exit my life. Or maybe I'm the one make them to?

I'm in need of a warm hug and someone who's words aligned with their action. I'm still hoping there will be someone - even if I block them out, they still persist to try until I open my door to them. #miracle #righttiming #rightperson

Rainbows introduce us to reflections of different beautiful possibilities so we never forget that pain and grief are not the final options in life.

- Aberjhani -

吊高來賣

在這個年代，吊高來賣這一招不管用了。

那天跟舊同事聚會，你懂，聚會根本不可能會跳過感情話題。避不了的追問一一所以妳是還沒有過初戀？是啊～都25歲的人沒戀過是哪裡出現了問題呢？我本人也很納悶。

已有對象的朋友會說
一一肯定是你眼光太高了，我不信沒人追求你。

分手後現在單身的朋友就會語重心長地說
一一希望下次你找到的是一輩子的人，不要像我這樣受傷。

跟我一樣沒戀過的朋友會說
一一順其自然吧～都等了那麼多年，沒差。
一一慘啦！都這個歲數還沒戀過是想怎樣？我現在有很差咩？

所以關於我單身這麼有話題性，每個朋友必定會有一大堆的意見，不管是好的壞的。

回到舊同事的聚會…
她就語重心長說 : " 不要吊高來賣。現在的人不夠堅持而且還有玻璃心。你拒絕2次以後，休想還會有戲。"
這我舉腳贊同！

但可能我被電影、電視劇裡美化的愛情給洗腦，怎樣都還是會期待童話般的戀愛，畢竟這會是我的初戀。然後她又說 : " 不要期待奇蹟的降臨。" 我知道，做人要現實。所以現在甜到掉牙的愛情小品，我一律不看。看了會有不該有期待。

而我媽就會說 : " 如果真的有不錯的對象，那就去試試。"
" 他是不錯，可是沒feel。"
" 沒有feel不是培養咯。"
" 你以為還是那個盲婚啞嫁的年代？沒感情就慢慢培養到有？你跟某些人相處後，你會知道他是不是你找的那個人。"

現在的人很喜歡講這麼抽象的東西。
到底什麼是feel？ 

我也把初戀用放大鏡來看。
初戀也只不過是一個名詞，用來形容你第一次與一個人以男女朋友交往的戀愛關係。
初戀與否，真的有那麼大不了嗎？

然後會有人說一一那是你沒戀過，跟吃不到葡萄說葡萄酸的道理一樣。
無論怎樣，每個人都會有意見。
做自己吧～誠實地…

如果機會降臨

又到了人生的轉折點。
該去？該留？

如果給予機會，
完全脫離舒適圈，
但可能會是你要的那一塊，
你將會如何抉擇？

捫心自問，
趁著還年輕，
趁著還有時間可以消費，
從新出發有何不可？

重點來了一一
不要加班卻要
高薪水，
多假期，
多福利，
能支持我繼續讀回書而給予有薪假期…

想那麼多幹嘛呢？
機會真的來了再算。

所以我要的到底是怎麼樣的人生啊～？

Knock-off Time

I have no intention to whine but sometimes I really hated public transport, especially the slowest train here (you should know what I mean). I don't see any improvement since the price hiking beginning of the year.

Okay, fine. I'm fine with the train is not automated. But can't the drivers drive nicely and SMOOTHLY? Damn, in a sardine packed train, can you stop stepping on the emergency brake? Never learn about inertia is it? When you brake, all of us are unable to control our movement and being hauled forward. Standing too close with strangers have already invaded our personal space and now, with you stepping on the brakes abruptly, we have direct skin contact with one another. That's pretty disgusting for a person that has OCD.

Not only the brake, the speed is also not consistent. I'm not expected it to be like bullet train but don't step on the brake or suddenly slow down the train. If I'm seated then I'm not being impacted. For those who are standing it's such a nightmare. There was one girl who wasn't holding tight on the ring, when the train came to a sudden stop, she literally bump against me that stand next to her. Luckily, I stood firmly, otherwise, we'll be like domino blocks. And I dunno what's on the railway, but to me it's like the driver seem to avoid holes like we did when we are on the road, swaying left and right.

You see the crowd - @ rush hour. 

p/s: I know I'm blissful than many people in this world. Sorry for complaining. :(

Till We Meet Again

Ever since I joined this company, more than 5 colleagues I know had left. What is wrong with it?

Today, another colleague is leaving. Those that stay for quite sometime said this is normal, way too normal. I still can't use to this kind of farewell and leaving.

First, money spent. Regardless welcome or farewell, we'll have to spend, over meals, presents... I'm not saying I'm not willing to pay but is there any meaning by doing this? People came and left, like leaves fall during autumn and grow when it's spring again.

Second, hey, we have made some memories together. Working overtime, helping each other out, gathering... well, now we can say they were memories, but few years down the road? Would we ever remember each other? The memories we made? That we used to work together? I doubt that. Unless we keep in touch.

Third. Keep in touch. Yea, we can do it, at first. But after that? Things change and even people change too. I'm not even sure the keep in touch part. Maybe the contact gets MIA too, after a few months.

Not to say I'm being too negative on this, I'm just being realistic. This is life. And it's cruel. Everything needs to maintain, otherwise they withered away like flowers did.

#handmade card

Aeroplane charm - so that she can fly higher and reach the sky. :)

p/s: the assignment on 'what and where to eat for lunch' has became tougher as we are now shorthanded. We need more people to suggest what to eat for lunch. Sigh. I'll miss those time we emailed each other an hour before lunch, asking what and where to eat.

Extreme Sports Activities

I'm not having a very good temper these days due to the hot weather. So if I read your message but without reply, it's obvious that I'm not in a good mood to reply.

Went skytrex and Viper yesterday. I must be crazy for joining 2 extreme activities in a day. So now I'm basically an OKU. Bruises and aches all over my body.

Can't deny, both are once-in-a-lifetime experience. I'm not regret to participate in both activities. But it was my first time reached home at 4 a.m. and my parents didn't chide me for coming home late.

Viper Challenge 2016

Thank you everyone for the teamwork and leave no one behind.

Skytrex Adventure

p/s: the aches seem to be worse now. :/
Thanks and no next time for extreme sports activities. Hahaha.

2016 First Quarter

Thanks to someone, I remember the fact that I've got a blog. Time to clear off some dust again.

But probably I just write for myself to read. Since no one really care.

So, what to update for the first post of 2016? That a lot had happened in year 2015 and that first quarter of 2016 is about to come to an end and yet I feel like I had did nothing at all. What should I do with my life? My future?

So I changed job in 2015. Everything is so different from the previous job. I have never really set out my future plan or envision about it. Future, to me is a very abstract and unfamiliar word. They often said future is to be created, by me, myself. And I really have no idea about it.

As if it couldn't get more worse, I lost a 10 years long friendship. I dunno how.com we end up like this and the last conversation we had was she told me to move on. Okay, fine. Since she said so. But I know deep down, it really was my problem after all. I'm narrow-minded, bad temper, sucks at communicating. I dunno how to be good at communication. And I seem to have the ability to make everyone to leave my life. I'm really good at annoying, agitate, and ruining a relationship. Well, I learned my lesson, hopefully. I know in the near future, I'll be doing the same mistake all over again.

I told Alice, I've got an itchy mouth. Something I knew I shouldn't say, but the sentence keeps playing in my mind. At the end I was so frustrated, so I say it out loud and immediately regret for saying it.

p/s: My mind is such a mess now and I think the picture is most likely to describe how my mind is working now.

Photo: Lee JeeYoung

- Deceased, never take things for granted -

Are we reaching the age where death is so common? Please, no more sad news.

2 of my friends' dad passed away, out of sudden. Appreciate those are still here with you because you never know what is going to happen tomorrow. Only the present is certained.

Let's rewind a bit.

I never once thought news that happen everyday will happen to me one day. And I always thought as long as I reached my housing area, I'll be safe. Looks like I'm wrong. This is what happened on a one fine Saturday.

"I reached home around 2pm, coming back from workplace. The street was quiet as usual. A black Honda Civic zoomed by when I got out from my car. I never put much thought about that car because there were scumbags doing this everyday. But out of sudden, the car reversed very quickly and stopped right in front of my house. I was gasping as I saw a guy from the passenger side get down from the car. There were 2 persons in the car. He was approaching me just like when predators saw their prey. Only then I realized something was terribly wrong. He hushed me and I instinctively stepped backward. And then he flashed out something like a parang (now I'm not sure what it was anymore), the next moment I was being chased and screaming with my life. I thought I was going to die. He outran me of course, grabbing the denim shirt I wore and hit me with his weapon. I quickly threw my bag to him and he just took off with his crime partner. They robbed by making a loud entrance but I was too slow to realize about it. No one was there to help me when this incident took place. Only after they left,  neighbors started to gather and asked me what's wrong. And so, everything inside my bag had gone including hand phone and purse. Fortunately, I didn't lose my keys. What matters the most is that thank goodness, I'm still alive."

Since the robbing case happened, I've become emotionally sensitive. The past 2 weeks I've been dealing with the aftermath or rather trauma. I became extremely skeptic whereby every Indian passed by or every car zoomed by would make me jump. I dun dare to walk alone on the street now and drive alone but if the situation forces me to, I'll do it timidly. There was this case where I walked with my friend on a quiet street, then there were 2 Arabians strolling with a motorcycle. I was hoping we got passed them without them asking anything. I was so scared that I thought they were scheming something. Ended up they asked us direction to the nearest petrol station. And on the same street, a BMW passed by and made a reverse suddenly. Again I was so scared, we both sprinted.

I guess this is what they called once bitten, twice shy or in Mandarin - 一朝被蛇咬，十年怕草绳。

The scene is now less vivid as when it had just occurred. My heart stopped every time I heard the car zoomed by, afraid something bad is happening again.

p/s: Moral of the day - never take anything for granted. You'll never know when you gonna lose it or watch it slip through your hand or disappear in front of your eyes. Appreciate by saying thank you to everything that you have now. :)
Stay safe, world is so dangerous nowadays.