和心愛的人吵架
和陌生人說心裡話
The above statement is saying - We fight with our loved ones, but telling inside thoughts to the strangers. Well, I couldn't agree more to this statement. I dunno since when, I have become such person unknowingly.
Whenever I feel like confide in someone, I couldn't go to my friends [but of course depending on what matter]. I'm afraid they would judge me. Because we're friends. I didn't want to get feedback like "you really shouldn't do this" or "I think you should..." or the kind of responses that would make me flinched at the thought of it. Even though sometimes I response in such a way to my friends as well, I could somehow imagine if I get those responses. That feeling sucks.
So I go to strangers instead. Because we didn't know each other, we might not meet in real life anyway. So what's the harm of telling each other our very own darkest secret or whatsoever. And if I were lucky enough, I would come across someone that clicks, someone that I feel comfortable with. But this sounded unreal right? Constantly being in a virtual world, I might actually exposing too much of myself.
.
I remembered when computer is just started to get generalised in my high school era, everyone was eager to get a MSN account. I also remembered we simply added people that we didn't know by simply typing in the email address. We were even naive to believe that if we could get artists' email address right, then we would be able to chat with them!
At the same time, online game Maple Story was being introduced. So I got to know quite a lot of friends from that game, those were days I couldn't go back to. Everyday, couldn't wait to go home after school and meet with them, we enjoyed chatting instead of gaming. I even added some of them in MSN.
I forgot how I added one guy in MSN and we started chatting. Those days I even had my very first handphone. I dunno what had gotten me to exchange phone number with him. I merely thought the chat was extended to handphone texting. Little did I know he would call and talk! But I couldn't recall what he talked about, all I knew were that he kept calling. I blocked his MSN but too bad, there was no block function in handphone last time. I had to keep my phone switched off for quite sometime. And I couldn't tell anyone about it, not to my parents, not even to my friends. Because they might think I'm a weirdo and deep down, I felt that they would definitely judge.
I dunno why the feeling of insecurity keeps haunting me. It makes me constantly demanding for response and attention. That's why I'm looking for someone that would never get worn out by my unreasonable demand and could understand my mood swing. Someone that would accept me as being me. And someone that I could do the same.
"If I was the question would you be my answer?
If I was the music would you be the dancer?
If I was the student would you be the teacher?
If I was the sinner would you be the preacher?
Would you be my...?"
- Lot to Learn by Luke Christopher -
