Precise

Is it just me who want things to be clear and precise?

Or maybe I'm just hoping that people would answer the answer I want instead?

Communication is really a hard lesson to learn.

Cowardice

I'm fucking hating your cowardice!
 Had been extremely honest, but where's the answer?

   What I get was "has seen".

But maybe your no-reply is the best reply I've got. Thank you?

Feel like I'm being torn apart. :/
Self-loathe. When can I move on?

Where's positivity?

My previous blog posted too many negative and depressed posts so I decided to close it down and opened up a new one instead. I was determined to make my new blog look more fresh and positive. I was.

But I guess humans are prone to negative vibes as somehow being sad is so much easy than being happy. That uplifting is hard you know? When things aren't easy either.

I know being happy is hard, people tend to allow themselves to feel sad for something that they can't control. Like, today is a bad day, because I met a rude road user that cut my queue, and client made me redo thing for God knows how many times she amended, and expecting on time release from work but no. I've read so many articles and even book that tell me how to change my perspective when nasty things happen. It ain't easy, it's even harder to have to decide what to eat for lunch. But I'll try. I don't want my heart to get sick for being too indulged in negativity.

I knew my colleague doesn't like people to step on her shoes, and yet I dunno why I did that yesterday and I caught off my guard because of the expression she wore when she responded to me. The feeling of she-hates-me-now immediately arouse within me. But I just hope it's just me over thinking. I just love over thinking and I can't help it.

I could easily relate to something that I saw, I heard, I read or people's actions and their words. I feel like I've been living too warily. I'm afraid I'll be abandoned because it's me, that make the situation ended in a bad way. It's proven. People I care eventually exit my life. Or maybe I'm the one make them to?

I'm in need of a warm hug and someone who's words aligned with their action. I'm still hoping there will be someone - even if I block them out, they still persist to try until I open my door to them. #miracle #righttiming #rightperson

Rainbows introduce us to reflections of different beautiful possibilities so we never forget that pain and grief are not the final options in life.

- Aberjhani -

關於歌詞... «你給我聽好» by 陳奕迅

你看看大夥兒合照

就你一個人沒有笑

是我們裝傻 還是你真的

有很多普通人沒有的困擾

合照？我應該有在笑，但是不是發自內心的笑，我就不得而知。最近都不怎麼愛拍照（因為綁牙的關係），仿佛回到那討厭拍照的時期啊～

對～我還蠻多普通人沒有的困擾。總結一句，是我想太多。總愛胡思亂想，然後讓自己陷入心情不好的狀態。我有在減少份量啦！有試著不去想太多，反正不努力，想再多也是徒勞。不管再怎麼想，只要你不努力，不是你的永遠也不會變成你的。

我才懶得給你解藥

反正你愛來這一套

為愛情折腰 難道不是

一直以來戒不掉的癖好

感覺就很像我在勸解朋友放下壞掉的感情。講了許久，ta一直在轉牛角尖，都沒在做出任何改變。漸漸的，ta不再提起，我也任由ta自生自滅。反正我相信時間是最好的解藥，只要熬過了，就可以獲得重生的機會。畢竟我也不是ta，說再多，自己想不通的話，也是白費力氣。

你在想誰想到睡不著

你應該覺得驕傲

很多人想失戀也沒有目標

只是想睡個好覺 別炫耀

我還真的沒為了想誰而睡不著。睡眠對我來說根本不是問題。但我是真的還蠻想失戀，可惜沒目標。哈哈哈～那我來炫耀我能睡好覺好了。

別說你還好 沒什麼不好

你就怨日子枯燥

沒什麼煩惱 恐怕就想到

什麼生存意義想到沒完沒了

你給我聽好 想哭就要笑

其實你知道煩惱會解決煩惱

新的剛來到 舊的就忘掉

渺小的控訴就是你想要的生活情調

其實還真的沒什麼不好，日子還不是照樣地過。日子還真的有點枯燥，但這些只能怪自己一一老是刷手機、就算聚會也一直在聊滿滿負能量的話題、沒有人生目標、沒有對象、日子就是過一天得一天…

有時會很想哭，因為現在這種生活方式讓人毫無生氣。眼看著身邊的親戚朋友都到外國去闖，心想著幾時才能是我呢？但還是那句一一不努力爭取，機會不可能自動送上門。嗯，我會減少控訴的～直視人生方向，是時候要踏出一步了。

還會有人讓你睡不著

還能為某人燃燒

我親愛的這樣浪漫的煎熬

不是想要就能要 別炫耀

想為某人燃燒，但完全不被給予機會。總要撞牆夠夠力，讓心傷到不能再傷才會明了一一這樣浪漫的煎熬，不是想要就能要。快點讓自己認清事實，其實我們本來就是平行線，只是偶然交錯而有了交集。

有時還挺累的，所以是有意思還是沒意思？一直發歌詞可是又好像只是發爽要人怎麼猜？結果造就了自個兒在螢幕後面瞎猜，到底是什麼意思？

你給我聽好 想哭就要笑

其實你知道煩惱會解決煩惱

新的剛來到 舊的就忘掉

渺小的控訴只是證明生活 並不無聊

還記得上一份工作特別多抱怨，因為人事關係。雖然聚在一起都很負能量，但一旦抱怨起來，還是笑聲不斷。挺想念那段時光！現在很久才會有一次的聚會還是讓我們停不了口和笑聲，然而不同的是，抱怨大大地減少了。

別讓我知道 其實你在背著我們 偷笑

對，在嘲笑這個社會的運作方式。
瞧不起自己竟然變成了自己曾經討厭的大人。
瞧不起每次與自己說好的事沒有一件能做到。
瞧不起自己越來越沒有禮貌。
瞧不起自己越來越墮落，越來越退步，越來越沒勁…
瞧不起但卻沒以身作則做出任何改變。

Care too much

Why am I trying so hard?
.
Why am I always feeling like I'm at fault when I did nothing wrong?
.
Why the hell I care when the one I expect to care does not care?
.
Maybe it's really time to let go. Because the chance was given to me and I didn't appreciate it. Maybe this is it. The end of our friendship.
.

Note to myself:
Stop caring when people decide not to care anymore and exit your life.

***

Just when I decided not to care, she replied. After I texted 2 days ago. People never change sometimes. Or perhaps it's just me who text back instantly, to people I care too much. I think somewhat is a karma, because I ignore people's messages too. 

Working life... 1. Junior

有時不是不願意給機會給新人，而是他們的學習態度和做出來的結果都是差強人意。（也並不是每個新人都是一個樣）

所以，很多時候寧願什麼都自己做。要不然讓新人做，到最後收拾爛攤子的還是自己，結果造就了double work.

看著新人們，還不是當初自己剛開始接觸這份工作時的模樣。#忍不住罵自己笨

同樣一份耐心，別人能給我，但我卻給不了新人。同樣的事說了2次，如果還是給我一副" 我不明白 " 的臉，一下我的氣又要來了。但，同樣的，如果是我不明白，我也渴望別人可以解釋到我明白為止。#矛盾

而且剛開始不熟悉，手腳一定比較慢。還記得前輩示範教學時，那速度快到我超羨慕的，尤其切換窗口的速度簡直讓我目瞪口呆。現在後輩們投以當時我一樣羨慕的眼神，看著我的手指在鍵盤上跳舞。所有的事情，一旦熟悉了，就會像機械人的日常一一駕輕就熟。然後，人的本性就開始浮現，那就是理所當然的舒適圈。工作上手了，不用腦也能做，除非有特殊狀況。

一直糾結去留，可是一晃就一年半了。糊里糊塗地還升了職，但卻有半年的試用期。該走嗎？我想去新西蘭的打工假期，可是應該會是脫了牙套後的事。唉…都順其自然吧～

想

很想寫讓他對號入座的文章，

但我知道他不會看。

我也太在意別人怎麼看我了。

這要不得的毛病，

幾時才能把它給改掉？

我想，

應該要等到內心夠強大那時候吧？

心裡的烏雲
眼角的祕密
來不及燃燒的感情
被流言給吹熄
轉身回到孤寂

生活的叢林
堅強的遊戲
在白天掏空了勇氣
在黑夜剩不平
不懂錯在哪裡

我不過是一個很想幸福的人
為什麼遇不到會生根的緣分
學著戒掉悲觀 負我的都不恨
讓心靈完整 美麗動人
還是一個人

寂寞的當一個很想幸福的人
等待著一顆心接受我的坦誠
懂得愛甜蜜中有苦澀的成分
會和我爭論 愛卻不磨損
沒有不信任

我相信 當一個很想幸福的人
也必須是能夠讓人幸福的人
我不怕去付出 也肯承擔責任
溫暖的誠懇 溫柔的迷人
誰是那個人 能讓我沸騰
想幸福的人

- 楊丞琳 «想幸福的人»

Too many thoughts but too little writing

I wanted to become a writer and yet I did nothing to get closer to my dream. What I did was spending time, imagining I'll be like some writers in the future. But that future never comes.

Another person just gone missing in action, read without reply. This time round, tablet went haywire? What did I expect? I can confirm I'll go waggling my tail like a puppy afterwards when he replies. Unless he's the one who gives up on me. Pathetic me. Why can't I be the one who walk away first?

Another is waiting. I'm not sure what I feel about the one gone missing, but I know I wouldn't want to waste a good man's time by telling him to wait for me. That's bullshit. That's what bitch do. And I think I'm bitchy enough. Yea, go ahead and say me picky. Someone is in my line and I didn't want to choose him.

I said you're not persistent enough. He said when giving too much can wear out a person. I know that feeling too well, but reality made me the person I hated the most. Keep trying, if I'm that easy, then you don't deserve me.

Spending too much time on strangers, it's like you're living in another world, that you're not in present. Try spending time with real people, instead of someone that wouldn't make time to meet you in real life.

I'm so fed up sometimes. I wanted to go all out with my heart, to tell them I care so that they response the way I expect. But screw the society, screw myself. Because I should have known that not everything I want goes my way.

Okay, enough of ranting. Even sleep also being chided. What a kid I am. When can I grow up? Build my own wings and get away from here. Anywhere but here.

記得 • 忘記

我覺得

老是叫人

記得

的同時也是在叫人

忘記

#魔咒

I wonder if you think what I'm thinking

너도 나처럼 이렇게 아픈지
너도 나처럼 눈물 나는지
너도 하루종일 이렇게 추억에 사는지
꼭 나처럼
- I Wonder If You Hurt Like Me by 2AM -

I wonder how someone feels like if I disappeared whole day long without texting back, provided that if we were ever texting non-stop. The feeling of texting continuously - yes, it's wasting time - but do it with the right person can be satisfying and feeling on cloud nine.

I wonder if there's anyone waiting for my text. Yea, I might sound self-centre but I'm curious.

I wonder if those who do not instantly text back know how the one waiting for their reply feel like.

I wonder if I ever crossed someone's mind. And because of that moment, I would receive a text saying "IMY".

愛情就像候車月臺

有人走有人來

我的心是一個站牌

寫著等待

- «手放開» 李聖傑 -

No one goes the extreme way to make me theirs. Because people nowadays aren't persistent enough, neither do I. So I'm constantly waiting. Waiting for miracle. Hahaha!

V.I.P

I'm a conceited fool.
Always like to imagine that I'm a VIP in someone else's life.

The truth is, I'm the VIP to me and myself only. 

I just need someone to remind me on this.

Talking

When a conversation wrapped up for the day - I don't know about you - it's extremely hard to pick it up again. How to initiate in a way that will look less awkward? #problemofoverthinking

What made us the way we are today?

算了

有很多時候，我很想說一一不如算了，好嗎？

反正我們都被標籤，說不夠堅持。

我 累 了

討厭現在這種 一 成 不 變 的生活

Indulgence

Sh*t, I find myself indulge in something I shouldn't. I back to the me that constantly checking my phone whether there's any incoming messages.

SH*T! I really need to stop now.