Saturday, December 31, 2016

心情

誰會在乎我的心情?
除了我懂的
還有人讀我的心情嗎

但我未免也太自我了
非要所有人都繞著我轉
#不想成為焦點但默默希望被人關注

我在想
秒回其實是不是一件壞事
因為你
讓對方少了揣測你心思的時間
讓對方同時也覺得失去了新鮮感
是不要表現得太露骨嗎
秒回是不是就代表不矜持
是不是誰都會覺得太咄咄逼人了

誰都沒告訴我啊
所以是想怎樣

為什麼回一個短訊也要複雜化

為什麼人
一定要那麼複雜


維持一段關係
不能太熱
也不能太冷
要保持在溫和的溫度
但什麼樣的溫度才是最好的呢
你覺得太熱
但對方會覺得還好啊
你覺得太冷
但對方會覺得那沒什麼

或許我必須得先搞清楚
能聊得來並不代表什麼
可能對方比較健談
可能你剛好開啟了對方的話匣子
陪你聊了幾天
說話有些曖昧
就覺得對方對你有意思

我一定是從來沒戀過
腦子進水了
想瘋了


但如果
愛情真的來到
我會抓緊嗎?

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Unintentional

Great intentions become tragic action when delivered without careful thought.
- Michael Dooley -


It was never my intention to write a post that would depress my friends. It was supposed to be my train of thought. I'm at the age whereby everyone is constantly worrying or rather interested to know my relationship status.

So here's the story. My friend's friend, let's call him L, he told my friend that he's interested in me and asked if he can follow my insta. I didn't know it was him until my friend asked me in our whatsapp group. I wasn't interested at all, so I didn't bother.

We gathered the day before my birthday, and they brought this up.
"So how? Did you approve him?"
"No."
"Why? We never ask you to go straight to bf/gf stage. We're just asking you to get to know a friend. A new friend."
"Alright. I'll approve now. Okay?"
I immediately approved in front of them, so that they won't bring this up again. Hahaha.

I know sooner or later L will come pm me. Never did I thought that he would wish me on my birthday. But I never asked why he know. I just replied thank you, with an emoticon - to keep my manner in line. He replied further, but I didn't know how to continue. The next day, he came with introduction and more questions and I felt bad because I replied very half-heartedly. And I, myself could felt the sarcasm in all my messages that I replied.

I brought this up to my primary school friends. Guess what? This is a small small world. They happened to know him because they studied the same high school.

I told this story to my college friend, CY and M was there too. Both me and CY are said to be having high requirements on bf. But basically, we're just very dependent on feeling. No matter how good is that person, no feeling means no further engagement. By here means not even becoming friends.

My friends keep asking what are my criteria. They're really simple though - taller than me and able to talk about everything. My insurance agent laughed at me and said these criteria are hard to achieve, given that I'm taller than average girls.

Whatever. Humans are contradictory, anyway.


Monday, December 26, 2016

左右

Stop! 為什麼我總讓別人來左右我的心情?為什麼我的心情不能由我自己來控制?TMD, 我受夠了!

1. 被人放飛機、
2. 被人忽略、
3. 從來就不是別人的第一選擇
其實也沒什麼,就當下的那個感覺很#香菇,很#藍瘦。然後自我安慰說一一ta或許真的不得空,其實也就是自己想太多。哈哈哈!

我也不曉得自己每次要求別人給的安全感是什麼意思。既讀既回嗎?連自己都做不到的事,憑什麼要別人做到。

#放下那該死的玻璃心吧


Wednesday, December 21, 2016

Money #1

"If there's a lack of money in your life, understand that feeling worried, envious, jealous, disappointed, discouraged, doubtful or fearful about money can never bring more money to you, because those feelings come from a lack of gratitude for the money you have." 
- Rhonda Byrne -


A lot had happened lately and I think I'm losing my mind soon.

I dunno why I'm being an easy target for multi-level marketing (now they used a more professional term, i.e. network marketing/network franchising/network distribution). I didn't do much homework over the internet because it seems to be fruitless. This is a complicated world, I'm not sure who should I trust, not even my gut. Aha.

They don't use aggressive approaches anymore, instead they came by saying hi and started to chat away with the current issues like:-
1. Money [which most of the people are lacking right now] 
2. Job you're doing but you hated it or you feel that you're not being appreciated
3. You posted a lot of negative status in social media and being moody and everything.

And they came to asked what happened and started to introduce a lot of their friends to you. They're a bunch of people who emit positive vibes. Tell me, who doesn't like positive people? So motivating, so inspiring. Except, they're not telling you what they do. Because you're curious, you successfully walked into the world they created. Congratulations!

They keep asking to meet with you, introducing more and more friends to you, arranging meeting, gradually showing you what you have been curious all the time. These people know a lot of professionals which include psychologists. So they know what to say, the words they presume you need desperately - as you seem to be barely surviving in this cruel world.

I was being brought to the meeting, 2 days in a row. They said it was a pre-training session, for me to have a better understanding on Sunday event. I came to know and was totally dumbfounded with how they convince everyone to join them. If your mind are not strong enough, you probably will be tricked by their mind game.

I was supposed to check things up before Sunday came. But nope. I don't know what I did and I let the time slipped through my hand. And it was Sunday already. We arrived at the hotel pretty early, before 9 AM. Damn, I think I could fall asleep.
Event started about 9 AM. They were shouting and asking those high ranking to give sharing as to why they were all in this business. And when every one of them shared, they were shouting something like slogan. There were 3 sharers, some shouted the slogan for more than once. OMG. My friend told me there would be culture shock. I was okay with them shouting and everything, but can they be more civilised? Like sharing through a mic and let us all sit down, instead of gathered in front of the sharer, feeling out of breath because everyone was standing too close to each other.

I was impressed because the speakers were awesome. They know how to grab your attention. But when it came to the last session, where they broke down the part how shortcut could earn faster, to the extent of borrowing bank loan, I started to think that what is this business actually do? You're required to pump in 5 digits amount instead of the 4 digits when I heard in the office. They said that was the usual way and was required by law to explain upfront before introducing us the shortcut.

I almost go for it because in the first month you would get rebate and be able to repay the loan you borrowed up to 5 months. Luckily I asked another friend of mine, he asked why I asked. I said I've got a feeling he went through all these before, and bingo, I was right! I was so lucky to meet him first before go straight to borrowing. If I really did so, I must be really out of my mind.

I met with so many partners that my friend introduced, there was one that made me feel intimidating. Because it's like he could see through me. Lolol. Or maybe because he studied psychology, so he's good at studying people. He knew I was looking for changes.

"Everyone is saying they wanted changes, but no one really takes any action despite just saying. Today they said they wanna change, but then tomorrow they'll go back to their rut, forgetting what they had said the day before." I guess that's pretty much - me. He asked what is it that I'm afraid of? What is it that stopping me to make changes? You've got nothing to lose. Put aside all the fears that you think you're feeling, because they're not real.

Well, after Sunday event, maybe it was fear - because I need to go to the extent of borrowing such a big chunk of money to do this business. They explained in a way that looks extremely easy. But the ugly truth probably is they all just want to get someone in so they can settle their debts, even quicker.

I wouldn't say this is not a doable business nor this is a scam like those cynics said. It all depends on your choice. If you're a risk seeker and you believe you can bring in 5 friends, then you can earn that money. But if you're not, just sit back and watch the rest earn the money instead of spreading bad things about it.

Good luck and happy earning to those who joined. :D

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

Birthday

Growing old is mandatory but growing up is optional. 
-Walt Disney-


24 years ago, my mom gave birth to me. Giving all her best, hoping one day I'll be a great person. Living up to this point, I feel like I haven't live up to anyone's expectation. I'm still looking desperately for the purpose of my life.

I wasn't happy today, even though I think I'm supposed to. There's a lump in my throat, making me wanna cry. Tears rolling down my cheek uncontrollably, thinking what the heck I'm doing on my birthday. Self-declare birthday leave but rotting at home. Cousin was supposed to pick me up and we were supposed to be chatting away with life. But I was fed up. I was pissed off with everything. There was no conclusion arrive after hours of texting. No one bothered. If someone did, they would have show up and drag me out of my house. Never mind, I know I'm expecting too much. Who am I?

There ain't many wishes this morning. Though I'm excited to see piles of texts coming in. But no. And the wishes only started coming in when I posted the screenshot, revealing that today is my birthday. 


This was never my intention. I replied half-heartedly. I didn't feel like smiling but I still replied with smiling emoticon. I don't know what had gotten to me, feeling down all of the sudden.

I don't know who I can go to. I don't know what is causing my sadness. If I really want to confide in someone, I don't know what to tell.

My birthday is supposed to be a good wrap up for year 2016 but looking at the current situation, I'll probably cry myself to sleep tonight.

No one will read this anyway. Because I'm just an attention seeker af. Okay, bye.

Last but not least, happy birthday to myself. Officially 24.

Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Indulgence

Sh*t, I find myself indulge in something I shouldn't. I back to the me that constantly checking my phone whether there's any incoming messages.

SH*T! I really need to stop now.

Sunday, November 27, 2016

Braces 2.

Within a month, I dunno how many times I went for dentist regarding my braces.

Today I went to get another 2 more teeth to be extracted. No more extraction for me, really. I had trauma already. Forcefully extracted the good teeth just for a beautiful smile, is it worth? I dunno now. However, I had already embarked this road, there's no other way but to finish it.

Think twice before getting braces done. Once you're aboard, there's no way you can get down from it.

***mourn silently for the 4 good teeth and 1 baby tooth that I had lost.

Changing rubber for the second time.
Silver looks less awkward now!

Thursday, November 17, 2016

Twenties -2-

Every heartbreak makes it hard to keep the faith
- Millions Reasons by Lady Gaga -


I get it. I guess most twenties nowadays are afraid to pour their hearts all out and in the end what they get is heartbreak. 

Some has this fear is because they were hurt by someone they loved before, they wouldn't want to experience the same heart-wrench all over again. While some others, in my case, have seen friends around experiencing that pain, and gradually started to shut their hearts up, not letting anyone in.

Yes, undeniably I'm a coward too. In this era, everything has become too instant, even getting a life partner. There are so many dating apps out there, and everyone else that is single who uses that apps get themselves a girlfriend or boyfriend. Friends would say why don't you try it as well? You see the rest is getting themselves one, pretty easy, it seems. Right. Those that are in the state of happiness couldn't wait for their friends to have that same happiness too. 

Problem is God has everything sorted out, if it were meant for you, then it's yours; if it's not, no matter how you yearn for it, it will never be yours.

I think people need to stop pushing singles to be in a relationship. Being single is fine, I dun need the society to constantly remind me. And why there must be a suitable age for marriage? Beyond that age, you couldn't get married? Why are there so many limitations? WHY are we living in a box?


Just go with the flow, 
I'll walk my own path.
I am me, 
Nobody else can replace me.

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

20幾歲的悲哀 -1-

20幾歲真的有很逍遙自在嗎?

回想起讀書時代
感覺錢很容易就能夠儲存起來
總會有多餘的錢
一一去購物、給爸媽和朋友買禮物
我甚至還存到錢去學了將近一年半的日語

為啥工作後
收入是有了
但怎麼好像總是覺得欠債纍纍
東西彷彿沒像想當年那麼好買
隨著物價上漲
賺到的根本不夠花
更別說存錢

與其說存不到錢
不如說慾望比讀書時來得大許多
雖然嘴巴一直念著
怎麼什麼都那麼貴
但是手還是拼命在出錢
Facebook一直有朋友tag說
哪裡哪裡開了新的咖啡館
去哪裡哪裡short getaway很便宜
機票現在在做促銷
哪裡哪裡便宜就去咯
再看看instagram
朋友們拍了一大堆美美的照
心裡在想
要是我也能到他們在的地方就好
然後打卡
然後post上社交圈
為的就是得到別人的贊

可悲啊
我到底是為了什麼而活著
感覺一路走來
渾渾噩噩
很幸運地走到了現在這個位置
但事實上
這好像不是我想要的生活

一直很納悶
想要改變
卻挪不開腳步
老是覺得自己在舒適圈
有時還會被莫名的壓力襲來
壓得胸口悶悶的

啊~
才20幾歲的人
是想怎樣

Confined

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Screwed Up

Life has many ways of testing a person's will. Either by having nothing happen at all or by having everything happen at once.
- Paulo Coelho -


Yea, I pretty sure I screwed it up. Burning down the bridges and everything. But decision will need to be made right? Right or wrong, I guess the time will prove it.

NO turning back, NO heavy-heart, that's it. I think I never once fulfill the promise that I made to myself.

我的天空今天有點灰
我的心是個落葉的季節

Monday, October 31, 2016

Braces 1.

The thing I afraid most when I get my braces fix is that - I'll throw tantrum to my family, which I did, over a bottle of water.

The one who decided to wear braces was me. 
The one who enduring the pain is also me.

Why couldn't I be more patient and control my bad temper? Ugh.

My friend, A told me not to wear colour braces, I look ugly in it. Ouch. Despite of being ugly, the injuries on the mouth wall caused by the wire are killing me. Who cares I look ugly or not?

I'll just refrain taking any selfie until I get rid of braces.

Say cheese. :D

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

Realisation... 1.

It's always too soon to quit!
- Norman Vincent Peale -


Learning a talent for a year but there is no improvement at all. Why did you continue then? Err.. 

*****

I guess because it's something that 
you have already started 
and you feel like
something will gone missing if you stop, 
that's why you still hold on into it.


Friday, October 21, 2016

Embarking on a no-turning-back-journey

I must have lost my mind when I decided to do braces. I shouldn't have extract my teeth besides the one that was decayed. Let's have a minute of mourning on the 3 teeth that I lost today. *sob*

Maybe the result of getting the braces done will cheer me up but definitely not now. I inherited my dad's long canal root. So all 3 teeth that I extracted for my right side, the roots were at least 2cm and above, even my baby tooth - the one that grew with me since I was born.

Okay, let's have a before and after photo.


My teeth aren't that bad to be honest, why I would need to extract all 4 + 1? Sigh. What had done had been done, no turning back.

But the fun part was I'm getting my braces done with the help of my secondary school friend and her mom. Both of us couldn't believe that one day this is really happening! It's all about fate.

***I believe I'll be pretty and slim as hell after I had done my braces. Fighting! I can do it. :)

Wednesday, October 19, 2016

Peculiar

To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson -



I always have the urge to show people my worst, to see if they could pass my test and I would welcome them to my world. But I underestimate or rather take things for granted, because things often don't end up in what I expected. You could say that I'm naïve because I still believe the world is good and I believe people would like me despite I show them my worst.

I'm quite the opposite of everyone else. People would want to give the very best impression to someone they barely know but I'm eager to show my worst. I think it is pointless to show people one's good at first and one's bad afterward. Who will stay, would stay; who will leave, eventually they would.

Why spend your time building up your image so that you could get some friends, knowing that some could not take your worst and leave you thereafter? Isn't that a waste of time? By here, I mean when you're making new friends, not when you go for an interview or whatsoever. This world is still a realistic and cruel place which sometimes you would still need to wear your mask, put on your fake professional smile and act like you're an Oscar-winning actor but deep down you hated everything around you.

Enough of my gibberish, it was just something I pondered on. Goodnight! 

Don't compromise yourself - You're all you have. 
- John Grisham - 
Be like this air plant; be yourself and grow uniquely.

Tuesday, October 11, 2016

堅・持

機會是要自己爭取的


過了半個世紀的一半生命
才發現自己總是得過且過
心裡總僥倖地覺得
“哎呀
如果這個沒得到
那就等下次咯
機會總會來的”
總是這麼的認為

再來就是
對自己沒信心
要是表現堅定
或許...
值得我擁有的就不會
從我眼前溜走

學業如此
工作也如此
不夠堅持
半途而廢
老想著要放棄
“通往成功的路上未必是一片坦途
不放棄,未來必會成功;
但是放棄了,就一定不會成功。”

可是不放棄
對我來說是多麼艱難的事

朋友常說
“再多堅持一下下
終點就快到了”
但他們不是我
我懂他們付出比我更多的努力
才獲得今天的成就
我憑什麼認為
不努力就能得天下

再努力一點吧
“少壯不努力
老大徒傷悲”
再難的路
一開始走是難的
但走著走著
就會發現
“咦?沒想像中的難欸~
而且好像快看到終點咯…”

堅持吧!
如果這次機會到了
答應我
抓緊這次的跳板
決心一點
放手一搏

我可以的!


Broga Hill

It's not the mountain that we conquer but ourselves.
- Edmund Hillary -



Remember the post where I said we'll make it to the peak of Broga Hill? And here we are (not the peak yet, though)!

Who said Broga Hill is easy? Definitely not easy for me as an amateur. My legs gave way when I finally reached the 2nd peak. But the view totally earned my perspiration.

We reached quite early, but the place was already very crowded. We found ourselves a perfect spot, sat down and admired the dark starry sky. It had been such a long time since I last seen such a beautiful clear sky. The weather was good, although there were clouds here and there, the sky was full of stars and the moon was almost full.

As the sky began to break, people were started to increase too. So Him and I went to look for a spot that could get perfect photographs of the sunrise, while the rest sitting at the same spot and relaxing.

I couldn't apprehend, why there were people littering everywhere. You go to a place, leave only your footsteps but rubbish. But those people just couldn't get it. They even smoked cigarettes! Totally ruining the place, and the nice view.

Starry starry night~
Can you spot Orion?


City with lights

There was lightning hidden behind the enormous clouds.

The sky started to light up.

Broga Hill is famous with cogon grasses.

Us, in our best 'armour'!

Of course, we couldn't have missed our we-fie.

I'm glad that we hiked Broga Hill together. So much fun! :)

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

心・累

工作到這個時候才到家…
雖然不是每一天,但每個月有幾天是這樣的日子真的很難過。
尤其假日在每個月的第一個禮拜,每個人去放假,只有我們要回到工作崗位拼博,心理難免有點不平衡。

上司還說家人那天拜一明明是假期,但他們並沒有叫她一起去吃早餐。她很失落地問為什麼沒約她去吃早餐?他們回答竟然是你不是要加班咩?吃什麼早餐?是,雖然是要加班,但沒被問到還是挺傷心的。

理解啊~真不明白為什麼那麼死板板,人是生的,規則是死的。明明月頭連假,很多文件很難拿到手,偏偏最頂的那位死都要把工作擠在星期天。哦,TMD!本來星期天是很美好的一天,因為目前的這份工作,會開始默念拜託一到五號都不要在週末,要不然會很慘。我已經經歷了連續兩個月週末假日要加班的生活,沒有說特別可憐,但就是不想。工作憑什麼連我寶貴的週末也給霸佔?

不想做打工仔,也不想當老闆娘。哦~我該怎麼擺脫日復一日的生活?

人無千日好,花無百日紅

Sunday, October 2, 2016

過去的小幸福

離開小時候 有了自己的生活 
新鮮的歌 新鮮的念頭
我走在每天必須面對的分岔路 
我懷念過去單純美好的小幸福
- «天黑黑» 孫燕姿 -



不知怎麼,最近總是提不起勁,對身邊的人、事、物都不感興趣。有誰能打救我現在的狀態?我現在是連門都懶得出,就算休假也待在家發臭。

最近朋友們在群組發信息,說著誰誰誰換了新的男朋友。然後我心想說怎麼人就這麼八卦。突然覺得自己彷彿活在自己的花花世界,任何除了和自己有關的事都與我無關。人家換不換男女朋友,是不是換了新工作等等的事其實都不關我們的事。這些都是在聚會上互相寒暄的話題而已,沒必要在別人背後討論。

有時會覺得當初那麼要好的朋友,經過社會的渲染,變成另一個我不再熟悉的人。當然,不可能每個人都停在同一個階段。當時那麼要好或許是因為天天膩在一起,而現在大家各奔東西,想找一天大家都剛好有空坐下來聚一聚的機會比登天還難。

我不懂你是否有這樣的想法,那就是小的時候都發誓長大後絕對不要成為自己最討厭的大人。可是很諷刺,偏偏你就是成為了你最不想成為的大人。小時候會覺得做大人很酷,有很多的自由和金錢。但現實是你小時候認為的自由,長大後卻好像不是那麼一回事。對,你是有自由去選擇你的伴侶、你的工作、你想去哪裡旅行…但同時間你會在多種選擇下苦惱,要做出取捨,當初那些單純美好小幸福,現在卻變得好複雜。

做人真煩!我在想…如果一直這樣想下去,我是不是快得憂鬱症?唉~煩吶!


当初有些事,让我们刻骨铭心;曾经有些人,令我们难以释怀。我们一路走来,告别一段往事,走入下一段风景。路在延伸,风景在变幻,人生没有不变的永恒。走远了再回头看,很多事已经模糊,很多人已经淡忘,只有很少的人与事与我们有关,牵连着我们的幸福与快乐,这才是我们真正要珍惜的地方。

Thursday, September 29, 2016

Choices

Decisions are the hardest move to make.
Especially when it's a choice between where you SHOULD be and where you WANT to be.
- Unknown -



SERIOUSLY, I hate to be stuck in dilemma situation. There is an opportunity came knocking on my door, but I was thinking whether I should leave, again. This will be 3rd time round. Nothing is confirmed yet and here I am, over thinking things again.

What should I do? They made it clear they wanted a serious candidate. Probably because I had said too many times that "I'm just trying" or probably I'm asking too much despite of my experience & qualification. They said everything will be fast-going - interview and shortlist and everything. I think I might have screwed the call just now. What the F had I just said? Sigh.

The first thing after the call, I texted my cousin (since she's the one telling me about this). Frankly speaking, I never thought that I would get reply this fast, or I should say I never expect a reply. That call somehow caught me off my guard. I told my cousin I'm not ready to leave, just yet. I was barely here for a year and to leave again? I never put much thought about it, even though I hated this job at the very beginning. The most dreaded job at first has now becomes something that is pretty easy and routine. And the colleagues, especially team lead. I can say that I'm at the best of my luck, because I work under 2 great superiors, at here and at previous workplace. This is why I never think of leaving, because it has already become my comfort zone. Oh, screw it!

After all I'm just afraid to leave my rut. Damn!


Monday, September 26, 2016

Second option

I'm never the first choice of my favourite people. Likewise, there are people never my first choice too, even though I might be their first on the list.

Often, I will stare at my contact list, wondering who could I go to when I need someone to kill time with. Answer is NO ONE. Pathetic eh? Mostly because I didn't want to disturb their life, afraid they're being caught up with their own life. Who is free to spare some time for me? And then, I wonder - why can't I do things by my own? Can't I have some me-time?

Or, there were friends asking me out. But I was weighing - whether to go or not to go. What?! I had been complaining and now there were friends asking me out, finally I had got plan but I have to mull over it. Such contradiction!

Sometimes I'm frustrated. Like we'd been saying about travelling together, or maybe just me saying about it. Finally someone texted me, saying AirAsia has got promotion. Probably I misconstrued it as "let's go travel", but ended up I was just think too much. I was being informed there was cheap air ticket, but I was not being invited to travel together. Of course, there were people asking, but I wasn't very keen to travel with them. I just want to be somewhere with my favourite people, but the irony is that, I'm not in their favourite people list.

It's okay, I told myself repeatedly. I'll just need to get used to being alone. Because I matter and no one else.



p.s. it took me long enough to finish writing such emotional post.

Tuesday, September 6, 2016

Funny thought

噗嗤一一

被自己莫名其妙的想法給逗笑了


I don't really meet colleagues from other departments. We usually talked over the phone regarding job issues. I only found out who is the guy I had been talking over the phone for few months through company team building event. And funny enough, we had been assigned to the same group. But at the end of the day, we didn't introduce ourselves. So I'm not sure if he knows me, but I know him because my teammate pointed him out.

And then there is this girl, we're from the same department but different team. We're somehow hi-bye friends as we never engage in a long chatty conversation. As from what I heard, she's pretty emotional kind of person because of her horoscope is Cancer. Not sure why though. But she always seems to have something on her mind. There was one day, she went to consult my teammate, asked him a lot of questions regarding relationship. Then we started to guess, she probably has got a boyfriend and got into some relationship issues.

I came out from office building just like normal, but I caught a glimpse of them sitting at the pavement. The girl was tugging on the guy's arm. I quickly walked by, and after a few steps, I turned around and saw the girl smiling brightly at me and waved her hand to me.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

As to why I said I laughed at my own funny thought is that, I actually think that guy is quite good-looking. Due to my wild imagination, I had a picture drawn in my mind that him being my boyfriend. HAHAHA! Despite we had never talk to each other face-to-face.

I can't help but laugh at my silly thought. But the moment I saw the girl smiling so brightly, I know somehow she's happy now. :)


Monday, September 5, 2016

Lemon

When life gives you lemon, make it into lemonade.

***Well, not every lemon can make into lemonade though. And its sourness can make you frown and wrinkle your nose.
----------------------------------------------------------------
DON'T READ, IT WILL SERIOUSLY AFFECT YOUR GOOD MOOD. I MERELY WRITE TO RANT THE INDESCRIBABLE FEELING OF MINE.


Sometimes I'm pretty fed up with trivial things that happened around me.

#Like, I always can't find companion to go travel with me. What's worst - is that I limit myself. I need to have a companion to travel with. Screw my stupid dependency! When can I leave my rut? When can I leave my comfort zone? I guess I just can't channel enough courage to make the first step, even though I keep saying I'll make it to Japan alone, someday. But that someday doesn't seem to be in near future.

#Like, when I thought the trip is on for sure because everyone is so excited about it, and then it's off. Why? I've got no time. I'm so poor. I can't take leave. Various excuses started to pop up. They made me so excited about it and then they poured a bucket of ice water on me, extinguishing my excitement.

#Like, complaining is one of my hobbies. I know very well actually those things are best to keep in my heart rather than saying out loud. But I just uncontrollably grumbling about it, even to my own ears, they sound like stink shit. And I can't stop myself.

#Like, I dun really like what I'm doing now, but I dunno what I can do to make the current situation gets better. And an invisible "stress?" - I'm not even sure if that feeling is called stress - makes me suffocate. But I can't give up my life. What would make me then? There are so many people struggling to live and here I am, whining and not working hard to make my everyday counts.

At some moments, I feel like disappearing into thin air and wonder what this world would be like without me? I guess it would just be one person lesser to fight over the oxygen. Oops, too negative, sorry.

#Like, whatever I written up there is not worth to read. Unless, when you manage to read till here and you can somehow relate. Otherwise, this is just another piece of shit. 

我 希 望 十 年 後 的 我 還 是 好 好 的。

Tuesday, August 30, 2016

Tinder

Find the person who you stay up all night laughing with. That's the person you should want to end up with. Not the one with instant sparks.  - Alexandria Brown -



I wonder if he still reads my blog.

His compliment never failed to flatter me. He was the one that said I'm good at writing, expressing myself through words. He was the one that said so when no one else does, not even myself. At least I didn't think so.

He had said a lot of things, trivial or not, some still etched deeply in my mind and had once made my heart skipped a lot of beats. But I couldn't recall his voice anymore. It sounded distant, like someone trying to speak through water. He was the one I thought I was almost in love. I thought.

When it rained, when the sun set, when my phone was not beeping, when... those were the times I would miss him most. But not anymore. 

Sagittarius is not meant to be a whiney; Sagittarius is meant to live freely, there is no one that he/she couldn't live without.

 I should have realised then. He was just good at frivolous talks, when no action is required. Girls - most of them - love those talks. Those that made them feel wanted. I thought I hated it too, but he was too good at it; the timing, the way he said it...


But I should have realised back then - not everyone that you know from the cyber world is worth believing in. At least, there's an unwritten rule that said don't pour whole-heartedly until you have affirmed, before that, it is just a GAME.

As to why I fell so hard - but not too deep - I guess it was because of the instant sparks. He never skipped any question that I asked and he shared almost everything. Though I couldn't be sure how much of the truth contained, but I did enjoy the topics we talked about. It was rare to find someone that basically talks about everything, especially he was just a stranger. 

Besides, I guess this is essential to keep a conversation going because if there's no people doing the sharing part, a conversation doesn't work when two people are doing the listening part.

I'm not missing the person, instead I missing that moment. Such moment is hard to come by. Thank you for the moment that we shared.

Okay, enough of mourning the past. 
  Let bygone be bygone.
     I'll meet the right one, eventually! :')
        Be positive.

Ranting

有些心情如果不寫下來,就會被遺忘。


Didnt feel like writing lately. Who else read blog these days? But humans are contradictory being. Yea, I would say I write for my own perusal, but when no one is reading it, I would feel depressed somehow. Ugh. Maybe deep down I'm just hoping someone that read my piece is sharing the same thought with me.

Sometimes I'm seriously hating the job I'm doing right now. I know I'm considered super lucky except the fact that I have to work during public holidays and sacrifice my weekends. Because I could use the overtime I worked to claim self-declare holidays. Some jobs do not offer such things. So I know I'm lucky.

But you know people tend to complain when there's only one bad thing that happened. They didn't take into account the remaining 9 good things that happened. That's why there's a saying - when one did wrong, no one remember the good that he did but the one fault that he made. So I'm in the same category, complaining and complaining and not improving. I guess I'm those wanting to be adventurous but deep inside I'm actually a coward.

Look at those at my age - I'm comparing with those successful one - They are entrepreneurs, earning their own money, supporting their own finance. And me? Not one achievement so far, earning the thin income that is not enough to support my family but for my own selfish desire to travel.

Sigh, in an early morning shouldn't be ranting stuff like this. It's a perfect weather for sleeping in and also a weather to use as an excuse for being late. Damn, I'm - we're all - getting stuck in a train, for more than half an hour already. Was thinking to drive but because of raining, I changed my mind which lead to current situation.

Screw it, really!

Sorry, I'm exuding negative vibe early in the morning. 

Saturday, August 27, 2016

THE TIME OF MY LIFE

"You're half-assed, you waste time, you never finish anything that's not a bottle of wine or a bar of chocolate. You change your mind all of the time. You can't commit."
"Why are you telling me things that I already know?" I spoke like I didn't care but in truth it was disturbing to listen to. It was disturbing to know that all the little things I did in secret were being noted by somebody, and being logged in a computer for some stressed-out office nerd to read like I was some sort of solitaire game.

I was doing something that needed to be done and I felt the burden of it every step of the way. As they connected me and the phone rang, I began to think of hanging up. It wasn't just the phone call; it was having to follow through that bothered me.

If you think your life's a waste of time,
If you think your time's a waste of life,
Come over to this land, take a look around.
Is this a tragic situation,
Or a massive demonstration,
Where do we hide?
- Down on me, Aslan -


"These are all very acceptable things in modern society. You're sick; you go to the doctor, you get antibiotics. You're depressed; you talk to a therapist, they might give you antidepressants. Your grays show; you get your color done. But with your life you make a few bad decisions, get unlucky a few times, whatever, but you have to keep going, right? Nobody can see the underneath part of who you are, and if you can't see it-if an x-ray and a camera can't take a picture of it for you-in this day and age the belief is, it's not there..."

"...How else do you think life happens? A series of coincidences and occurrences have to happen somehow. Our lives all crash and collide and you think there's no reason or rhyme it? If there wasn't any reason for it all, what would be the point? Why do you think anything happens at all? There is an outcome, repercussions and occurrences to everybody you meet and everything you say..."

"The better I do for you [life], the more I alienate other people. What good is that for me?"
"Right now, not much, but down the line it'll pay off. They just need to get to know you."
"They [my friends] know me."
"You don't even know you, how can you expect them to?"

Life has a way of getting what it wants when it really knows what it wants.

"...If you have a dream, you want to at least be able to try to achieve it in some way. Something that is seemingly beyond your grasp but that you know that with a bit of hard work you could possibly achieve. Walking to your local newsstand to buy a lottery ticket is not inspiring. Dreams should make you think - if I had the guts to do it and I didn't care what anybody thought, this is what I'd really do."

I tried to think about my dreams, where I wanted to be, what I really wanted, but I think to know what you want, you have to know what you don't want and all I could figure out was that I really wished Life hadn't contacted me so I could have continued on the path I was on. Life had complicated things, Life had tried to make things move on when I was perfectly content.

"...I googled people's dreams. Because you're right. I didn't have one, which is rather pathetic, I should have one."
"I don't know which is more pathetic, not having a dream or googling other people's."

Again, I didn't like what I had but I didn't know what I wanted, so I was once again aimless.

I didn't want it to end like this, even though it had been me who had led it in this direction, but I couldn't bring myself to say anything.

"What does that shit even mean? Geological happiness?"
"Most people look for fulfillment and happiness within themselves; you, on the other hand, physically move to another county thinking it will help things."

I'd rather I never had to work again, I still hadn't found a passion for anything, that nauseating word I kept hearing people say to me, and even though I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, I was starting to get on the right way of thinking.


By Cecelia Ahern

Saturday, August 13, 2016

難得

The best cure for a bad day is a good friend.


Okay. Since the previous posts were too gloomy, let's have something fun!

I like how 4 of us make effort to meet up every now and then. Of course, we are all busy. But, to make time, is something that warm my heart. It means this friendship is important, is worth our time. I can't help but I tend to make comparison.

Like my ex-colleagues, we have tons of plans, the list keep growing but none has really fulfilled. Even a simple meet-up that requires full headcount, not once in this year can we all make it. In a nutshell, everyone is not working hard enough to make it work. 'Whatever, really.' 

So I would say, to be able to find friends that can click and have endless topic and most importantly, everyone in the gang that treasures the friendship is way too awesome. I mean everyone has been saying forever and forever is just too cliché. Who really trust forever nowadays? At least, I'm not a 'forever' believer. But I treasure every moment we'd be together. :)

And the meet-up last night, we've got a new member. What surprised us is that, she managed to blend in well. Such a sweet girl. If we're not in 'ghost festival', we would have make it to the peak of Broga Hill this morning. Sigh. To have plan that is so spontaneous, is really really rare. We'll surely make the plan on before this year ends!

Can't wait our next meet-up. These peeps are like rare Pokemón!

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Your Lie In April

「君は君だよ。『君らしく』なんて曖昧なものじゃない。
何やったって変わったってカンケーない。君はどうせ君だよ。」
ーー宮園かおり「四月は君の嘘」



You are you. Just be yourself is not an ambiguous thing. What you did and how you changed, it doesn't matter. Because, you're just you.

*You are born original. Don't die a copy.*

「いくつもの知らない自分を発見して・・・いくつもの知らない自分と向き合う。それもたぶん、恋をするってことなのかな。」

But not all stories have a happy ending. You don't meet people by accident. They are meant to cross your path for a reason, either you need them to change your life or you'll be the one that will change theirs. You meet thousands of people, and none of them really touch you. And then you meet one person, your life changed forever.

届くかな?届くといいな。
I have only tell one lie since meeting you in that cherry blossom season. 
- that is - I like your best friend.

Monday, August 8, 2016

抬頭仰望

發覺這世界永遠太少深刻 因此花一天改變一切習慣
發覺這世界永遠太多蹺蹊 因此花一天擁有一切運氣
消失太快 捉得到太少 因此花一天感覺一切是愛
- «今天只做一件事» 陳奕迅 -


活在這個人人都低頭的時代
再加上剛剛推出的Pokémon
走到哪都可以看到屏幕裡都是同一個遊戲
當然自己也不例外


但如果人們可以暫時放下手機
抬頭仰望
欣賞每一次都不一樣的天空
心情會不會不會那麼煩躁

並不一定是要看天空
身邊一定會有一些你值得欣賞的風景

不知道你有沒有發現
最近的夕陽都很美
我覺得這些都得運氣好才能看得到

每當看到夕陽
總會特別想念那位
互相分享天空的照片的他
我們還曾經說過
應該去當天文學家
研究天空與星星


每次都會忍不住想
落到如斯田地是自己造就的
但其實過去的就應該讓它過去
為何總是要和自己過不去

也許一開始靠得太近
就像刺蝟那樣
冷的時候
想讓彼此靠近一些
互相取暖
但是靠得太近
便會被對方的刺給刺傷
於是
一直調整彼此的
姿勢和距離
直到能互相取暖之於
又不會刺傷對方

我重申
這不是傷感
這是有感而發
你不覺得
多愁善感的文字很美嗎

人越大
越覺得人與人之間的橋樑
其實很脆弱
每個人都很玻璃心
要找到那個彼此能互相忍讓的人很難

最近我才被朋友說
怎麼脾氣那麼暴躁易怒
其實也不止朋友
連家人也這麼說


做人真難

Monday, August 1, 2016

Reply 回覆

At the end,
I sent him a "Hi?"

And he replied, but I didn't read it immediately.
Instead, I switched off my data.
Hoping that, besides "Hi, how are you?",
There would be something more.

After few hours,
The conversation remained
At the moment before I switched off my data.
Alright, I forcefully replied standard answer - "I'm fine & you?"

Few moments later,
"I have been well too.
Sorry for not texting lately."

Ahh, sorry but no explanation.
Okay, fine!
"Is there any reason that I need to know?"

"Not particularly.
Just didn't feel like texting.
No reason at all."

"Okay. Got it.
Flash in the pan right?"

Thank you for not replying after that.
So that I know I can put a full stop right there.
Even though maybe it's just me that have to deal with the aftermath.


Friday, July 29, 2016

W


When his world began to cripple, my mind blows up too. Damn! Another long week before the next episode is out.

Good storyline always fascinated me, especially those that wouldn't happen in the world that we lived in. It's only episode 4 and the scriptwriter made this kind of ending! I wonder how the story goes on.

And - this drama makes me wanna write stories! I'll probably start putting this drama in words. :') I'm not a good storyteller though...

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Endless conversation



Maybe I just took things for granted that it ended up this way. 
I'm still trying hard to get out of the bad habit that I grew.

Friday, July 22, 2016

Lucky

A strong friendship doesn't need daily conversation or being together. As long as the relationship lives in the heart, true friends never part.


Have you ever wonder your bff is the opposite sex of yours?

I often tease A, or vice versa - why she's not a boy? We did things for each other hoping that boys would do the same for us. When she changed her spectacles, I would comment - oh, new specs! Or when I texted her, she would reply - I was thinking about you and about to text you.

Just like these few days, I told her I was sick, flu and cough. She every few hours texting me asking whether am I feeling any better, or have I visited the doctor. She's way too sweet to be only my bff. Hahaha! I hope she find her Mr Right soon enough, so she can share her happiness with me. :)

I'm so blessed to have her in my life. We usually shared anything and everything that happened in our lives, also some stupid questions that we come across. And I agreed that communication is two-way. One do the talking and the other one do the listening, sometimes the other way round.

Friendship is just like any other kind of relationship - that needs to maintain. We're that kind of friends that doesn't need much talking but when we meet, we can talk forever. I know nothing can last forever, but I hope she stays forever.

Sounded kind of taking things for granted right? Yea, maybe I'm selfish. But I really hope so. I told her my nose blocked then she said we're taking breathing for granted. *roll my eyes*

Let's live together if we end up being forever alone. Muahaha! :D


Thursday, July 21, 2016

Simply

不確定就別親吻
感情很容易毀掉一個人
一個人若不夠狠
愛淡了不離不棄更殘忍
- «還是要幸福» 田馥甄 -


Just like the lyrics suggested - don't kiss if you're unsure, as being in a relationship can easily broke a person; it's cruel if you're not harsh enough to leave when the love has faded.

Been mulling over things lately. Mostly curious how couples maintain their relationship, especially now when everyone spend most of the time on working. How can they manage the time? He once said - love is an idea, a concept. Being in love means you find someone that basically share the same concept.

I would say finding someone that you can share anything and everything with and someone that after listening all your shits and still stay, that's love. Because nowadays communication has became too convenient, everyone takes it for granted. If you're single? No problem, there is Tinder out there. If you're bored and wanted someone to talk with? There are plenty chatting apps out there. But you can't feel warmth from all these. Because it's not real, somehow. Once is enough. The one standing right in front you, embrace all your weakness and flaws, giving you a big hug (not just saying) - this is real. Guess I just haven't got the chance to meet this person in real.

A, gimme a hug when we meet next time. I'm in need a big warm hug! :(


Tuesday, July 12, 2016

後菜鳥的燦爛時代

職場上有一群人,他們對自己的工作已沒有太大熱忱,過一天算一天,上班只想午餐吃哪家,下班只想去哪玩,一週大事是決定去哪裡露營旅遊,工作只是希望能有個固定收入就好,既升不了官,但也非菜鳥,我們通稱他們為「後菜鳥」。
«後菜鳥的燦爛時代»


剛追完這部讓我少女心氾濫的典型偶像劇。雖然都是毫無新意老掉牙的愛情故事情節,但還是無法說不地大愛。

∅ 請慎入,接下來所寫的含有劇透。

而這部劇講述的是執行長和業務的愛情故事。看完整部劇後的感想是一一天啊!現在不可能還有那麼長情的人啊?十年前的暗戀到十年後成為更好的人再度出現,還不要緊,暗中幫助女主角走出舒適圈,讓她也成為更好的人。我想,這種互相扶持成長的愛情真的很難得。

雖然說是典型,但劇組花了不少心思讓整部劇看起來典型得來,卻又不會太油膩。我喜歡男女主角重遇之後,中間穿插他們高中時代的片段而且從那些回憶片段就能知道當時紀文凱就很喜歡鐘雨棠。


其中最窩心的記憶片段要從鍾雨棠家欠下來的債開始說起。紀文凱替她家還了債,理所當然成為了她的債主。為了還債,鍾雨棠任紀文凱差遣。每完成他給的任務,他就送她拼圖片,湊足500片,債務就全抵銷。當然,如果劇情真的是以湊足500片拼圖片的速度進行的話,恐怕沒人追看了吧?湊到一半,他們便成為了男女朋友。紀文凱也把剩下的拼圖片給了鍾雨棠,成了她需要完成的作業。他說只要她把拼圖給拼完,她想知道的所有答案自然就會揭曉。最後把那拼圖拼完,是他與她的合照,只是那個他身穿獅子吉祥物的外套,所以當時的她沒認出是他。

話說,這部劇為什麼命名為«後菜鳥的燦爛時代»?是因為女主角鍾雨棠在秘書部待了4年, 年資說長不長; 說短不短,即不是菜鳥,也還不是老鳥一一俗稱後菜鳥。

最後的最後,臺灣偶像劇總是喜歡在每一集裡加入一句有意思的臺詞,而«後菜鳥»也不例外。參閱這裡有«後菜鳥筆記»。



Tuesday, July 5, 2016

Back to zero? One?

一個人相信 一個人的原因
不是因為有太多的猶豫
一個人的秘密是尋找一個特別的你
- «一個人» 韋禮安 -



About one month ago, she worked overtime and eaten a bowl of microwaved asam laksa maggi with cheese. Today, the same scenario, but somewhat things have changed.

She was still trying to figure out the feeling she felt. Before she can grasp anything, everything had became a history.

Staring at the maggi mee, wondering why things turned out this way. She knows people come and go, but what she didn't know was she didn't see the end came this soon. They have shared so many, so deep, and now, back to zero.



Habits can be scary sometimes, but she has faith that time will heal everything, eventually...

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

Lullaby

It was words that I fell for
In the end, it was words that broke my heart

Can I ask you something?
Anything.
Why is it every time we say good night, it feels like goodbye?


AFRAID TO LOVE
I turn away
 and close my heart -
 to the promise of love 
 that is luring


For the past has taught 
 to not be caught, 
 in what is not worth pursuing -


To never do
 the things I've done
 that once had led to my undoing


By: Lang Leav


Feelings that are indescribable in words, surprisingly I found comfort in these poetry. Beautiful piece of artwork! :')

Monday, June 27, 2016

Friend That Cares

Friendship is always a sweet responsibility,
never an opportunity.
-Khalil Gibran-


Maybe I've shared too much of my inner thought and I'm sorry about that. I'm well known about that, but every time I have to be pointed out by A or other friends, only then I realised. So now I know what goes wrong - I keep on testing other's borderline. It's like if I haven't reach a person's limit, I'm just going to keep sharing until he/she finally fed up. But I was expecting some response, unfortunately, everyone chooses to keep quiet. I'm the childish one here, don't know what I'm trying to achieve.

I wonder if people worn out by just talking to me. I guess they will. 

Goodnight, everyone and the immature me. :')

Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing.
There is a time for silence.
A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny.
And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over.
-Octavia Butler-




Alone ≠ Lonely

Everyone is basically lonely.
Because they're lonely, therefore they work desperately, they make friends and they fall in love in order not to feel lonely.
-Dr Rintaro-


I don't know why I'm not satisfied with my current state. I have more than whoever else is having, but still, I'm looking for more. What is this sickening thought of mine?

Maybe I'm feeling too lonely, seeing friends in relationship somehow make me feel imbalance. Especially when Facebook news feed is all about wedding and pregnancy and I feel like, uh huh - at the age of 24, friends are getting married, having kids, having their own family, nothing can be better than this. But no, I'm at denial. What?! Getting married at this stage?! No way.

The question that is most hated by all the singles outside is that - do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? No. Why not? Must be your ideal bf/gf criteria is too high. Or maybe you're too picky. They can find whatever reason to explain why you're single. But the truth is, the right one just hasn't appear. Why friends around are so worried that I would end up being forever alone? Leading me to think such a way too!

Because everyone gives me such a pity look and so I get back to dating app again. Yea, we're living in 21st century, but when I said dating app, many still give me that shocked look - OMFG, you're on dating app? Are you seriously this desperate? Uh-huh. Because I'm sick of getting question like why I'm still single. Come on, such a contradictory.

Long story cut short - the app is pretty easy, if you like, you swipe left; if you don't, just swipe right. So I've seen many friends are on the app too, surprisingly. I'm not the only one looking for comfort from the strangers. Don't get me wrong, comfort here means to get someone that understands me.

Once I found someone that's able to make the conversation flowing, I get tired with everyone else as they don't matter anymore. But now I see, that the app is really for hooking up. I happily pick up the conversation, and that lasted for about a month? And that's it. Suddenly he just decided to fade out without any prior notice. Left me wondering why this same situation is happening over and over again. Is it me the one causing the conversation to cease, abruptly? I have no idea. I wish someone can tell me what has gone wrong.

So this is what happened when you're feeling too lonely, when your friends are all dating and you're not, you think you're abnormal which makes your mind not thinking straight because of the stupid loneliness that gives you false signal. You think you need to look for comfort from someone you don't even know, but actually you can do so much better with dealing the loneliness by upgrading yourself over books or meet up with friends. I need to understand that being alone is not equal to feeling lonely. You can still feel lonely when you're surrounded with people.

Thank you, for those good memories and the things I have learned and making my heart fluttered each time you said something sweet. I'm gullible, I can easily fall for the honey. 

Maybe this is just another repulsive post - because I tend to over think, every.single.time.


Friday, June 24, 2016

對號入座

怕不怕被拒絕 怕不怕被省略
你怕不怕被淪落在宿命中妥協
- «指望» 郁可唯 -


當然怕被拒絕
不被接受
因此都活在別人的眼神裡

更怕被省略
有沒有我都沒關係的感覺
不好受
明明我說話沒有很小聲
但總是沒什麼存在感
這感覺特別強烈
當在中學聚會
其他時候其實還好

我不想
無論是友情或愛情
都那麼委屈求全

因為害怕不被喜歡
所以無論誰有要求
而在我能力範圍內
我都會盡量達到
但我沒有那麼偉大
這麼做其實只為了
不讓自己被杯葛

你說的話 我都相信
說得好聽 說得甜蜜
你說的每一句
我全都相信
- «好聽» 許如芸 -


雖然我說
我不受甜言蜜語這一套
但是有人對你這麼說
還蠻享受的
女生就是用耳朵談戀愛的
所以才被人說笨
人家說什麼你全都信

認真想想
可能我也是被美好的語言給迷惑
像魔音般太好聽了
"Hey..."
"Yea?"
"IMY"

我始終不太相信
會有人喜歡我
***想太多
如果你花一些時間來認識我
就會發現你浪費了時間來
了解&喜歡我


我的世界 沒有你 也許更遼闊
就到這裡 錯了又 如何
- «不是你的錯» 丁噹 -


我信
如果你值得
不管那個人有多忙
TA不會忍心讓你一個人瞎猜
"真的那麼忙嗎"
所以
我並不值得
一個人的時間

那個
能忍受我的憂鬱
我的難搞
一一恐怕只有我自己了吧
雖然我也不太能接受