Quit

Finally, I quit tinder for good. It's an app that you often will go back to, to see if someone drops you any message after you went missing for some time.

I'm not sure about you, but the feeling of seeing the red batch on the conversations somehow makes me feel wanted. But this feeling of wanted is wrong. It's like when you're lonely, you just want to find someone to kill time, and that's only work temporarily. In long run, you'll feel awfully lonely and that's no cure.

Also, I can't comprehend why people gotten boyfie or girlfriend there. It doesn't seem to work for me. One problem with tinder is that, when I met them in real life, I often can't relate them to the people I text with. Their look different, their sound different. Everything is just so different. They can be so fun to text with, but in real life, we're awkward like shit. Probably I'm the one causing the awkwardness. Because thousands of thoughts going around in mind, but none is spoken out. I'm the one that give only an answer to a question, nothing more and nothing less. The girl like me is boring.

And what I hated myself the most is that, I often appraise the person I met with, regarding his look, his attire, his voice, his hairstyle, his height, how he carries himself, how he speaks... like I have any stand to do so. If he fails any of the criteria after we met, I'll start replying half-heartedly or even stop replying. What a horrible person I'm.

There's this person wondering whether I wrote about him here. So here's your story, in case you follow my blog. Apparently, both of us haven't grow tired with each other, yet. Also, we haven't meet in person, yet, despite we have been texting for almost a year, and talking over the phone for a few times. We've so many to talk about over texting, so I always imagine will it be different if we talk on the phone. But hell, we're so awkward. Again, maybe I'm the one who think so.

We shared, something I dunno who to go to but I told him. He asked why I shared things, (secrets sometimes) with him, to be frank, I also dunno. He then commented that, I'm not afraid to share things with stranger. On second thought, of course I scare. This is a dangerous world. But my gut told me I can tell things to him. Maybe because he hasn't got tired of me yet.

He tends to reply extremely slow. I got pissed off a lot at the beginning, because texting like this is so not fun. It's like the flow is ongoing, but suddenly it got cut off. What?! But now, I just let it be. I got it, different people have different ways of replying text. He's just the-awfully-slow-replying-person. His pace.

I often tease him, saying we probably will not meet at all. Because we're living so far away. Deep inside I just think that maybe I'm not worthwhile to meet in real time after all. People make me feel so small because I allow them to. I'm trying my best not to feel small, but sometimes it's just so hard.

"No one can hurt you without your consent."

- Eleanor Roosevelt -

"They cannot take away our self respect if we do not give it to them."

- Gandhi -

Sometimes, I feel that the way we are now is fine, let's just keep this way forever. Who knows if we met face-to-face, I'll start to judge again. And then I'll lose a listener, someone that I can tell craps to, someone that listen to my negative vibes and still replying. When he takes longer than usual, I'll start to think I probably said something that agitate him. Every time when I think, that's it, this is the end, and yet, the messenger icon pops out again, to prove that I over think things.

When I started to type, I wrote until I run out things to write. There's more, but nah, it's long enough for now. Thank you, I expect you to do much more, even though you're just a stranger. I know I'm being too greedy.

"No matter what we breed, we still are made of greed." 

- Imagine Dragon -

Emotion outlet.

P.s. I'll make sure you read this post and please be terasa, because this is for you. Hahaha!