Generation gap

Qisin!

Change your thought and you change your world.

- Norman Vincent Peale -

What's with the underlying rules set by the elders -
That we have to confine/limit ourselves,
That we have to be fully by mentally and physically support to our loved one who got sick,
That we cannot have any entertainment because we're not allow to have that happy feeling, to hang out with friends,
That we have to tone down in social media, or if we want to be so high profile that I have to write my sad feelings all over my wall,
That we have to show depression in order to prove that we're sad, that we care.

What the stupid fking rules are these?
I wanted to crack open their brains and see what's inside.
Why our thinking can be so different?
Why can they be so stubborn?
Why can't they try to understand us instead of forcing us to understand them?
Where's the equality?

We're all humans.
Who aren't sad when your loved ones got sick?
But because I strongly believe that he'll be fine if he follows instructions.
That's why I can be so calm and act like as if nothing happens.

I thought I have to be positive in order to brighten up the circumstances around me.
But they prove me wrong.

Now I have to calm myself down, because I got too agitated, too tension.
And in their eyes, I'm throwing tantrum over minor things like this.
That I cannot control myself.
That I got myself carried away.
That I'm immature.

Maybe I'm. 

Or probably I'm. 

Or yes, I'm.

But I just can't stand being said in such a way that they define who I am, what I should feel.

I'm not a puppet.
Thank you for your kind concern but you need to gimme time to adjust myself and I would like you to know and understand that how we deal with sadness is, a TOTALLY DIFFERENT way. 
By the way, sorry about my low EQ and for being rude.

Health

I wonder how one thinks about their health, especially youngsters. Is it like -

Health is like MONEY. We never have a true idea of its value until we lose it.
- Josh Billings -

Because we're young. Thus, we take things for granted - the unconditional love from our parents, money and health. Most of us didn't realise that our health is important until someone around us or ourselves have health issue, what's worst - a critical / severe one.

Lately I've been thinking regarding this matter. I'm not a healthy kid since young, my lungs are weak. Ever since I started working, I gotten sick at least twice a year, and usually I would get the combo package - cough + flu + sore throat + sometimes even come with fever. When I grown up, it's getting unbearable each time I get sick. It's like I'm getting closer to death (maybe I'm being exaggerating but this is what I feel).

I feel like I'm taking my health for granted. My mom keeps on nagging me - not to drink too much of cold beverages; not to starve myself; not to bath too late; if bath too late, not to wash my hair and bathe with hot water. These are the few nags I would get from her almost everyday. I'm such a disobedient daughter. I know those are not good for my health, but I still do it because I think I'm still young, so I can expend my health like nobody else's business.

The truth is, there are some symptoms started showing that my health is gradually walking the downhill. My sis said she could hear the sound of my bone cracking when I tried to stretch my arms or legs. And I always feel my neck and shoulder part being very stiff and sometimes the ache would hit. The sign of getting old. Hahaha. 

I know I should be more consistent on doing exercise, like swimming, jogging or whatever that could make me sweat and would improve my productivity. I feel sleepy everyday when I'm at work and I think that's because I didn't do exercise on a regular basis. But I'm not motivated to do so and I'm lazy. Lots of excuses. :X

To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear.
- Gautama Buddha -

I MUST to do something. Some changes. Or else mid-20s crisis will hit me real hard.

I wonder if you think what I'm thinking

너도 나처럼 이렇게 아픈지
너도 나처럼 눈물 나는지
너도 하루종일 이렇게 추억에 사는지
꼭 나처럼
- I Wonder If You Hurt Like Me by 2AM -

I wonder how someone feels like if I disappeared whole day long without texting back, provided that if we were ever texting non-stop. The feeling of texting continuously - yes, it's wasting time - but do it with the right person can be satisfying and feeling on cloud nine.

I wonder if there's anyone waiting for my text. Yea, I might sound self-centre but I'm curious.

I wonder if those who do not instantly text back know how the one waiting for their reply feel like.

I wonder if I ever crossed someone's mind. And because of that moment, I would receive a text saying "IMY".

愛情就像候車月臺

有人走有人來

我的心是一個站牌

寫著等待

- «手放開» 李聖傑 -

No one goes the extreme way to make me theirs. Because people nowadays aren't persistent enough, neither do I. So I'm constantly waiting. Waiting for miracle. Hahaha!

V.I.P

I'm a conceited fool.
Always like to imagine that I'm a VIP in someone else's life.

The truth is, I'm the VIP to me and myself only. 

I just need someone to remind me on this.

Stop telling me what to do

Maybe LOVE is not what I'm looking for.
By LOVE here I mean being in a relationship.

Because I don't think I love myself enough to be loved by someone else.

Submissive.

Lack of confidence.
Constantly demanding the feeling of security from everyone else and forgot the fact that that feeling can only be given by myself.

Of course, I'm being reminded from time to time, to hurry up and be in a relationship like everybody else.

Because this is the norm among the peers around my age. 

So now I'm the weird one, being so-called "single".

I hate when this society constantly telling us what to do when we're at what age.
Like we're young, we're supposed to go to school.
Like after we graduated, we're supposed to have a decent job and being in a relationship.
Like after working for few years, and if we're still in the same relationship, we're supposed to get married.
Like after we get married, we're supposed to have kids.
The "guidelines" could go on forever till the day we die.
And when we look back what have we done for our life, we sure as hell have tons of regrets because we didn't live the life we wanted it to be.

Why nobody is being encouraged to be themselves but instead following the society's guidelines?

Those successful ones are probably those who went against the said path.
I'm kinda envy them, as they're brave enough to do what they want. 

I probably just need to strengthen my heart.
I probably just need the courage to take a step forward.
And everything will be entirely different.

Shut out unnecessary advices and for once, LISTEN TO MY HEART.

Virtual world

和心愛的人吵架

和陌生人說心裡話

The above statement is saying - We fight with our loved ones, but telling inside thoughts to the strangers. Well, I couldn't agree more to this statement. I dunno since when, I have become such person unknowingly.

Whenever I feel like confide in someone, I couldn't go to my friends [but of course depending on what matter]. I'm afraid they would judge me. Because we're friends. I didn't want to get feedback like "you really shouldn't do this" or "I think you should..." or the kind of responses that would make me flinched at the thought of it. Even though sometimes I response in such a way to my friends as well, I could somehow imagine if I get those responses. That feeling sucks.

So I go to strangers instead. Because we didn't know each other, we might not meet in real life anyway. So what's the harm of telling each other our very own darkest secret or whatsoever. And if I were lucky enough, I would come across someone that clicks, someone that I feel comfortable with. But this sounded unreal right? Constantly being in a virtual world, I might actually exposing too much of myself.

.

I remembered when computer is just started to get generalised in my high school era, everyone was eager to get a MSN account. I also remembered we simply added people that we didn't know by simply typing in the email address. We were even naive to believe that if we could get artists' email address right, then we would be able to chat with them!

At the same time, online game Maple Story was being introduced. So I got to know quite a lot of friends from that game, those were days I couldn't go back to. Everyday, couldn't wait to go home after school and meet with them, we enjoyed chatting instead of gaming. I even added some of them in MSN.

I forgot how I added one guy in MSN and we started chatting. Those days I even had my very first handphone. I dunno what had gotten me to exchange phone number with him. I merely thought the chat was extended to handphone texting. Little did I know he would call and talk! But I couldn't recall what he talked about, all I knew were that he kept calling. I blocked his MSN but too bad, there was no block function in handphone last time. I had to keep my phone switched off for quite sometime. And I couldn't tell anyone about it, not to my parents, not even to my friends. Because they might think I'm a weirdo and deep down, I felt that they would definitely judge.

I dunno why the feeling of insecurity keeps haunting me. It makes me constantly demanding for response and attention. That's why I'm looking for someone that would never get worn out by my unreasonable demand and could understand my mood swing. Someone that would accept me as being me. And someone that I could do the same.

"If I was the question would you be my answer?

If I was the music would you be the dancer?

If I was the student would you be the teacher?

If I was the sinner would you be the preacher?

Would you be my...?"

- Lot to Learn by Luke Christopher -

Talking

When a conversation wrapped up for the day - I don't know about you - it's extremely hard to pick it up again. How to initiate in a way that will look less awkward? #problemofoverthinking

What made us the way we are today?