Back to tinder

I only told a few of my friends that I'm actually on tinder - those I think they wouldn't judge me. Tinder is an app that is soooo infamous when it comes to hookups. Rest assured, I'm not crazy enough to go for that, though there were nuts asking.

So why I'm on that app? It's not like I don't have friends. I dunno. Maybe I'm just an attention seeker. Looking for someone that can prove my existence. I know this is my lack of confidence. If one is confident enough, he/she doesn't need to prove themselves constantly.

I hate myself being in this way. I'm not going to deny it, as this is part of me. I just need to find a way to stop being in this way. Some days, I'm determined to change. To stop tinder. But funny enough, I keep going back. Installed and uninstalled and re-installed. What am I doing really? Life has a lot more for me to explore rather than engage in some meaningless conversations with strangers.

I know. I'm too naive, thinking that I can get myself a boyfie from that fake world. Maybe there are people who are sincere like me from the start. But at the end, when you put too much trust in something you shouldn't, you would just end up being hurt. So the next when you met someone who is sincere but you don't trust easily again.

Why is love so difficult when it can be so easy? Why is everyone afraid to fall in love when all you can do is just learn how to love?

Stay tuned. I might have interesting stories to share next.

想旅行的心情

4月就這麼靜悄悄地來的，很快地又要走了。今年還沒去到旅行。

還記得那時買到去日本機票時的激動，到現在實在懶得去計劃我的行程。老師一直要我買JR pass，可以到東京看看，可是我只想慢慢地欣賞關西美景。然後我無法用語言解釋我的想法。學了那麼多年的日文好像有點白學。

一個人的旅行，我行嗎？上一次懵懵懂懂地到日本也不是靠我一個人完成的。很矛盾的心情。因為朋友知道我去，有問能一同隨行嗎？然後內心說最好不要跟來，給朋友拆穿說怎麼啦？不願意？心想著有人陪伴其實也不錯。但我就是想試試一個人去旅行，想知道我可以到哪裡。老師知道我一個人去，她一副「信じられない」的表情，說我一個人去很寂寞的喲～

時間逼近，行程還沒定，該做的功課沒做。或許內心在期盼著這趟旅程能帶給我什麼驚喜吧？

Realisation... 3.

Do you know the feeling like a deflated balloon?

Yea, I was kind of experiencing it. I dunno why I'm always the submissive one, probably because I didn't want to aggravate or hurt other people's feelings. Or so I perceived. Thus, I ended up hurting my own feeling.

Whenever I suggested an idea - places to eat or hang out - I have that one friend always like to challenge my idea without any base. I'm totally fine with it if you could at least research about the places that I suggested. But no, that one friend would comment like "Is the food nice?".

I would say this question is really based on one's preferences. I might like it but maybe you don't? And the problem is the idea I suggested might be the places I haven't been there before, I just randomly saw it from the social sites. Why can't you take the risk and give it a try? If it's bad, then we don't revisit; but what if it's good? Life needs surprises sometimes.

Houjicha latte.

It smelled and tasted good but the texture can be smoother.

So we ended up going to the cafe I suggested. I said no topics regarding jobs but you know auditors, full of negative vibes - feeling imbalance of what they're doing because the jobs they do are usually pointless. I get the same old shit they rant. And usually I just nodded along because I don't understand the jargon they said. My job isn't nice to deal with either. But no one bothers/interested to what my job is. To be honest, I don't feel like talking about it during gathering. We're supposed to talk about fun things. 

不管你是人生赢家还是彻头彻尾的loser，我为什么劝你一定要去参加同学聚会？
And about gathering, seriously, I urge everyone to join whenever there's any. Because it lets you see how far have you progressed or how slow you are as compared to your peers. For the latter one, you know it's time for you to work extra hard. It hits me really hard when they discussed about travelling with family. I have been working for 3 years, never once I paid fully for my parents to go for a trip. Whereas my friends, they discussed about sponsor flight tickets & accommodation & bla bla bla for their parents. While I had monologue going on in my mind - I only manage to support myself to a trip. Last year, my face was thick enough to follow my parents to go Krabi without paying a penny. Sigh. Life...

Beauty and no beast

“She warned him not to be deceived by appearances, for beauty is found within.”
Narrator [Beauty And The Beast]

I'm satisfied! *a big smile plastered on my face*

Actually I don't really remember the animation version, in fact I don't remember I ever watch that. But somehow I know how the story goes, and I wonder why the hell I know.

Basically, fairy tales are almost every girl's fantasies. No matter how the fairy tales being remade, I'm still loving them, especially the dancing scene, where the girl would wear the dress that every girl dreams of and the Prince would dress handsomely and they danced the perfect dance.

Fairy tales are not meant to be of common sense. Because there is no such perfect moment with perfect love in real life. But all these give us chance to live in fantasy once in a blue moon.

So what if when the beast returned to being human and is not a Prince charming but a fatty? Would you still choose him?
#appearancedriven
#themainisBelleinsteadoftheBeast

Realisation... 2.

Wanted to write this post last Friday but ended up writing it today.

I realised - I really am living in my own fantasy. I don't care what's happening around the world, unless those I wanted to care. Like the most basic one - petrol prices. 

I didn't know RM 50 can only get 21.736 litres of petrol (this was before the petrol price adjustment announced today). I didn't know 2 bars of petrol can actually go pretty far (from my office to Mid Valley and from Mid Valley back to my house) - total mileage is less than 25 km. I was so worried that I couldn't get home with 2 bars of petrol. But my optimism beat my worries, at the end of the day, I was able to reach home safe and sound.

I'll start taking note about such trivial things. I used to think that all these don't really matter to me, because my dad is always there to support me and I know I can fully dependent on him. But not anymore, I will have and need to be more independent. :')

First Love

사랑의 물리학 김인육

愛的物理學 金仁旭

질량의 크기는 부피와 비례하지 않는다.
品質和體積不成正比。

제비꽃 같이 조그마한 그 계집애가
那個如紫羅蘭般小巧的丫頭，

꽃잎같이 하늘거리는 계집애가
那個似花瓣般輕曳的丫頭，

지구 보다 더 큰 질량으로 나를 끌어당긴다.
以遠超過地球的品質吸引著我。

순간, 나는
一瞬間，我
뉴턴의 사과처럼
如同牛頓的蘋果一樣，
사정없이 그녀에게로 굴러떨어졌다.
不受控制地滾落在她腳下。

쿵 소리를 내며
咚的一聲，
쿵쿵 소리를 내며
咚咚一聲，
심장이 하늘에서 땅까지 아찔한 진자운동을 계속했다.
從天空到大地，心臟在持續著令人眩暈的擺動。

Image from pinterest

첫사랑이었다.

那是初戀。

Poem from: The Physic of Love

Blissful

Health is not valued till sickness comes.
- Thomas Fuller -

It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.
- Mahatma Gandhi -

My dad finally got rid of the life of carrying 2 bags of lung fluids around for a month. It was a boring dreadful month. #confinement

Thank you, thank you and thank you. 

Words can't describe how I feel right now. #feelingcontent #blissful #happiness :)

A thought occurred to me when my dad was being diagnosed with cancer. He must be living too comfortably, that's why God decided to give him a rather challenging assignment to deal with at this age. This assignment not only meant for him, but for us, as a family member as well. We're all going too easy with our lives.
#takethingsforgranted

People nowadays are so scared when heard about cancer because we're ignorant. We know too less about something we should know, something we're supposed to know. Everyone gave me that startled look when I told them about my dad. "What?! Cancer?! Are you f*cking serious?" Yea, I was there with him when the result was being announced. I dunno what reaction I put on my face, but I can be pretty sure deep down I was as calm as lake water.

Then everyone is so concerned about him, that he would receive few calls a day and few visits a day over the weekend and when he was being hospitalized. This proved to me how strong his connections are. Even a friend from Cameron purposely came to visit him after knowing his condition. So much better than some fake relatives, asking via phone, and the worst part of all is that he asked my aunt rather than calling my dad directly. He got defended by my aunts and my sis, saying maybe he doesn't want to disturb my dad. Yea, right. And both me and my sis got criticised because ACCORDING TO HIM we were too high-profile in social media (and we were like, huh? Wtf?! All I did was sharing videos. Let alone my sis, she didn't even post anything on her wall). Whatever. Generation gap. I had mentioned this before in my previous post, but every time I thought of this, it makes my water boiling up. Ugh. I swear I'm not going to meet them if they ever come KL. I'll make up whatever reasons I can just to avoid meeting them. #toxicpeople #escapist

For people like my dad who loves to look as handsome as he can (he used to comb his hair even though his hair was too short to be combed) to becoming a bald-headed uncle, it was too painful to see. He said - there's no option left for him, is there? - with that pussy car look from Shrek movie. :'(

I wish nothing more than to have his health back and start enjoying his retirement life.

お金 #2

Money has never made man happy, nor will it, there is nothing in its nature to produce happiness. The more of it one has the more one wants.

- Benjamin Franklin -

Dun ask me to go shopping, in fact, dun ask me out to spend a penny. Mainly because I'm constantly depriving of money. I feel like, but I dunno why. And damn, this feeling haunts me.

***I just want something to take the blame.

Thus, I blame my job. 

Ever since I changed my job, bad things keep coming to me. Of course, I received good ones too. But the bad ones were severely impacted to my life. Maybe I'm being too focus on the bad things, that's why they keep looking for me.

I always curious, those who earn lesser than me, how can they sustain? Or they actually having a hard time too, but without complaining? But their lust seem to be so much more humongous than mine. Travelling, wearing branded stuff, cafe-hopping... How? Are they earning extra income? I almost stop going to cafe, my friends used to say I always go travelling, always eat nice food. Maybe I posted too much photos on social media. So they've got such "perception".

Where and how to earn extra in a legit way? 

#cruelworld

 #makemoneyworkforme

Or maybe I'm asking too much. Only when I appreciate, money will come to me without me asking for more. 

#lawofattraction 

#enoughishappiness

記得 • 忘記

我覺得

老是叫人

記得

的同時也是在叫人

忘記

#魔咒

想 • 自由

只有妳　懂得我　

就像被困住的野獸　

在摩天大樓　渴求　自由

- «想自由» 林宥嘉 -

有時候我覺得自己像一隻小小鳥

想要飛卻怎麼樣也飛不高

也許有一天我棲上了枝頭

卻成為獵人的目標

我飛上了青天才發現自己從此無依無靠

每次到了夜深人靜的時候我總是睡不著

我懷疑是不是只有我的明天沒有變得更好

未來會怎樣究竟有誰會知道

幸福是否只是一種傳說我永遠都找不到

我是一隻小小小小鳥

想要飛呀飛 卻飛也飛不高

我尋尋覓覓 尋尋覓覓 

一個溫暖的懷抱

這樣的要求 算不算 太高

- «我是一隻小小鳥» 趙傳 -

做小鳥有比較自由嗎？

#livinginmyownfantasy