Cowardice

I'm fucking hating your cowardice!
 Had been extremely honest, but where's the answer?

   What I get was "has seen".

But maybe your no-reply is the best reply I've got. Thank you?

Feel like I'm being torn apart. :/
Self-loathe. When can I move on?

Where's positivity?

My previous blog posted too many negative and depressed posts so I decided to close it down and opened up a new one instead. I was determined to make my new blog look more fresh and positive. I was.

But I guess humans are prone to negative vibes as somehow being sad is so much easy than being happy. That uplifting is hard you know? When things aren't easy either.

I know being happy is hard, people tend to allow themselves to feel sad for something that they can't control. Like, today is a bad day, because I met a rude road user that cut my queue, and client made me redo thing for God knows how many times she amended, and expecting on time release from work but no. I've read so many articles and even book that tell me how to change my perspective when nasty things happen. It ain't easy, it's even harder to have to decide what to eat for lunch. But I'll try. I don't want my heart to get sick for being too indulged in negativity.

I knew my colleague doesn't like people to step on her shoes, and yet I dunno why I did that yesterday and I caught off my guard because of the expression she wore when she responded to me. The feeling of she-hates-me-now immediately arouse within me. But I just hope it's just me over thinking. I just love over thinking and I can't help it.

I could easily relate to something that I saw, I heard, I read or people's actions and their words. I feel like I've been living too warily. I'm afraid I'll be abandoned because it's me, that make the situation ended in a bad way. It's proven. People I care eventually exit my life. Or maybe I'm the one make them to?

I'm in need of a warm hug and someone who's words aligned with their action. I'm still hoping there will be someone - even if I block them out, they still persist to try until I open my door to them. #miracle #righttiming #rightperson

Rainbows introduce us to reflections of different beautiful possibilities so we never forget that pain and grief are not the final options in life.

- Aberjhani -

也沒什麼

你還要我怎樣 要怎樣

你突然來的短信就夠我悲傷

我沒能力遺忘 你不用提醒我

哪怕結局就這樣

我還能怎樣 能怎樣

最後還不是落得情人的立場

你從來不會想 我何必這樣

- «你還要我怎樣» 薛之謙 -

***那天心血來潮的看回一開始的信息，心想一開始不要那麼矜持，一約就出來見面的我們，現在會是怎樣？

***或許是我一直給自己製造太多的假象，以為我們可能有機會？大概是我想戀愛想瘋了。又或者我只是一直在尋找那熟悉的影子，熟悉的感覺…但其實所謂的感覺、記憶是不是都是自欺欺人？

***完全沒在怕，把心裡想到的什麼都豁出去說了，還被說怎麼那麼厲害調情。我無語。也得看對象是誰啊？我像是那麼濫情的人嗎？但畢竟隔著螢幕，倘若真正見面的我還會那麼毫無畏懼嗎？

***真的，要是能找一個什麼都能聊的，那感覺就無遺憾了。我指的不是一個人單方面的說不停，而是有來有往，在一個話題上互相給意見。當你看到的、想到的、吃到的，就是想跟一個人分享，然後ta給的反應會讓你有滿足感。前者有，但後者在我印象中好像沒有。

***真該改掉tmd的糾結。反正想再多，結局並不會有任何改變。反正該試的我也試了，不是我的而且只有我一個人努力一一就好比用一隻手去鼓掌，能有聲音嗎？一一有意思嗎？

First Levi's

關於歌詞... «你給我聽好» by 陳奕迅

你看看大夥兒合照

就你一個人沒有笑

是我們裝傻 還是你真的

有很多普通人沒有的困擾

合照？我應該有在笑，但是不是發自內心的笑，我就不得而知。最近都不怎麼愛拍照（因為綁牙的關係），仿佛回到那討厭拍照的時期啊～

對～我還蠻多普通人沒有的困擾。總結一句，是我想太多。總愛胡思亂想，然後讓自己陷入心情不好的狀態。我有在減少份量啦！有試著不去想太多，反正不努力，想再多也是徒勞。不管再怎麼想，只要你不努力，不是你的永遠也不會變成你的。

我才懶得給你解藥

反正你愛來這一套

為愛情折腰 難道不是

一直以來戒不掉的癖好

感覺就很像我在勸解朋友放下壞掉的感情。講了許久，ta一直在轉牛角尖，都沒在做出任何改變。漸漸的，ta不再提起，我也任由ta自生自滅。反正我相信時間是最好的解藥，只要熬過了，就可以獲得重生的機會。畢竟我也不是ta，說再多，自己想不通的話，也是白費力氣。

你在想誰想到睡不著

你應該覺得驕傲

很多人想失戀也沒有目標

只是想睡個好覺 別炫耀

我還真的沒為了想誰而睡不著。睡眠對我來說根本不是問題。但我是真的還蠻想失戀，可惜沒目標。哈哈哈～那我來炫耀我能睡好覺好了。

別說你還好 沒什麼不好

你就怨日子枯燥

沒什麼煩惱 恐怕就想到

什麼生存意義想到沒完沒了

你給我聽好 想哭就要笑

其實你知道煩惱會解決煩惱

新的剛來到 舊的就忘掉

渺小的控訴就是你想要的生活情調

其實還真的沒什麼不好，日子還不是照樣地過。日子還真的有點枯燥，但這些只能怪自己一一老是刷手機、就算聚會也一直在聊滿滿負能量的話題、沒有人生目標、沒有對象、日子就是過一天得一天…

有時會很想哭，因為現在這種生活方式讓人毫無生氣。眼看著身邊的親戚朋友都到外國去闖，心想著幾時才能是我呢？但還是那句一一不努力爭取，機會不可能自動送上門。嗯，我會減少控訴的～直視人生方向，是時候要踏出一步了。

還會有人讓你睡不著

還能為某人燃燒

我親愛的這樣浪漫的煎熬

不是想要就能要 別炫耀

想為某人燃燒，但完全不被給予機會。總要撞牆夠夠力，讓心傷到不能再傷才會明了一一這樣浪漫的煎熬，不是想要就能要。快點讓自己認清事實，其實我們本來就是平行線，只是偶然交錯而有了交集。

有時還挺累的，所以是有意思還是沒意思？一直發歌詞可是又好像只是發爽要人怎麼猜？結果造就了自個兒在螢幕後面瞎猜，到底是什麼意思？

你給我聽好 想哭就要笑

其實你知道煩惱會解決煩惱

新的剛來到 舊的就忘掉

渺小的控訴只是證明生活 並不無聊

還記得上一份工作特別多抱怨，因為人事關係。雖然聚在一起都很負能量，但一旦抱怨起來，還是笑聲不斷。挺想念那段時光！現在很久才會有一次的聚會還是讓我們停不了口和笑聲，然而不同的是，抱怨大大地減少了。

別讓我知道 其實你在背著我們 偷笑

對，在嘲笑這個社會的運作方式。
瞧不起自己竟然變成了自己曾經討厭的大人。
瞧不起每次與自己說好的事沒有一件能做到。
瞧不起自己越來越沒有禮貌。
瞧不起自己越來越墮落，越來越退步，越來越沒勁…
瞧不起但卻沒以身作則做出任何改變。

吊高來賣

在這個年代，吊高來賣這一招不管用了。

那天跟舊同事聚會，你懂，聚會根本不可能會跳過感情話題。避不了的追問一一所以妳是還沒有過初戀？是啊～都25歲的人沒戀過是哪裡出現了問題呢？我本人也很納悶。

已有對象的朋友會說
一一肯定是你眼光太高了，我不信沒人追求你。

分手後現在單身的朋友就會語重心長地說
一一希望下次你找到的是一輩子的人，不要像我這樣受傷。

跟我一樣沒戀過的朋友會說
一一順其自然吧～都等了那麼多年，沒差。
一一慘啦！都這個歲數還沒戀過是想怎樣？我現在有很差咩？

所以關於我單身這麼有話題性，每個朋友必定會有一大堆的意見，不管是好的壞的。

回到舊同事的聚會…
她就語重心長說 : " 不要吊高來賣。現在的人不夠堅持而且還有玻璃心。你拒絕2次以後，休想還會有戲。"
這我舉腳贊同！

但可能我被電影、電視劇裡美化的愛情給洗腦，怎樣都還是會期待童話般的戀愛，畢竟這會是我的初戀。然後她又說 : " 不要期待奇蹟的降臨。" 我知道，做人要現實。所以現在甜到掉牙的愛情小品，我一律不看。看了會有不該有期待。

而我媽就會說 : " 如果真的有不錯的對象，那就去試試。"
" 他是不錯，可是沒feel。"
" 沒有feel不是培養咯。"
" 你以為還是那個盲婚啞嫁的年代？沒感情就慢慢培養到有？你跟某些人相處後，你會知道他是不是你找的那個人。"

現在的人很喜歡講這麼抽象的東西。
到底什麼是feel？ 

我也把初戀用放大鏡來看。
初戀也只不過是一個名詞，用來形容你第一次與一個人以男女朋友交往的戀愛關係。
初戀與否，真的有那麼大不了嗎？

然後會有人說一一那是你沒戀過，跟吃不到葡萄說葡萄酸的道理一樣。
無論怎樣，每個人都會有意見。
做自己吧～誠實地…

如果機會降臨

又到了人生的轉折點。
該去？該留？

如果給予機會，
完全脫離舒適圈，
但可能會是你要的那一塊，
你將會如何抉擇？

捫心自問，
趁著還年輕，
趁著還有時間可以消費，
從新出發有何不可？

重點來了一一
不要加班卻要
高薪水，
多假期，
多福利，
能支持我繼續讀回書而給予有薪假期…

想那麼多幹嘛呢？
機會真的來了再算。

所以我要的到底是怎麼樣的人生啊～？

Care too much

Why am I trying so hard?
.
Why am I always feeling like I'm at fault when I did nothing wrong?
.
Why the hell I care when the one I expect to care does not care?
.
Maybe it's really time to let go. Because the chance was given to me and I didn't appreciate it. Maybe this is it. The end of our friendship.
.

Note to myself:
Stop caring when people decide not to care anymore and exit your life.

***

Just when I decided not to care, she replied. After I texted 2 days ago. People never change sometimes. Or perhaps it's just me who text back instantly, to people I care too much. I think somewhat is a karma, because I ignore people's messages too. 

Honest

DON'T let your EARS witness what your EYES didn't see. DON'T let your MOUTH speak what your HEART doesn't feel. LIVE with HONESTY.

There are too many articles, regardless on the newspapers or social media, telling what you should do and what you shouldn't. A thought keep gnawing on me lately - that we're constantly limiting ourselves. That I didn't have enough money, so I can't go travel. That I majored in accounting, thus I have to be an accountant. That everyone around my age has a boyfriend, so I should have one as well.

I wouldn't say staying single is cool, as those in relationship will look at you, envying your freedom. Or the opposite, they'll ask you to get one quickly, not until you don't have much choices left, not until you're old, not until you're not pretty anymore. Because all these society perceptions grow too deeply within all of us and we started to believe that these should be the way we live our lives.

Too many people only exist in this world without really living their lives, to their fullest. I don't want to live my life like every other existence. I had kind of wasted the best time in my life, I'm not going to waste my future, thinking whether I should or I shouldn't. I'll do whatever I feel like it. Of course, there'll be a voice inside saying that I can't, it's impossible, I shouldn't. Fuck that! From now on, I'll be extremely honest to me and myself, and everyone else. Do hate me if you don't like, because no one ever says honesty should be beautiful.

I'll make sure I do whatever I can to make my life less to no regret. I'm gonna mingle whenever I attend whatever event or gathering. I'm gonna love with all my might, even though I may end up being hurt.

Let's be honest, so that you won't live a life full of regrets. :)

Working life... 1. Junior

有時不是不願意給機會給新人，而是他們的學習態度和做出來的結果都是差強人意。（也並不是每個新人都是一個樣）

所以，很多時候寧願什麼都自己做。要不然讓新人做，到最後收拾爛攤子的還是自己，結果造就了double work.

看著新人們，還不是當初自己剛開始接觸這份工作時的模樣。#忍不住罵自己笨

同樣一份耐心，別人能給我，但我卻給不了新人。同樣的事說了2次，如果還是給我一副" 我不明白 " 的臉，一下我的氣又要來了。但，同樣的，如果是我不明白，我也渴望別人可以解釋到我明白為止。#矛盾

而且剛開始不熟悉，手腳一定比較慢。還記得前輩示範教學時，那速度快到我超羨慕的，尤其切換窗口的速度簡直讓我目瞪口呆。現在後輩們投以當時我一樣羨慕的眼神，看著我的手指在鍵盤上跳舞。所有的事情，一旦熟悉了，就會像機械人的日常一一駕輕就熟。然後，人的本性就開始浮現，那就是理所當然的舒適圈。工作上手了，不用腦也能做，除非有特殊狀況。

一直糾結去留，可是一晃就一年半了。糊里糊塗地還升了職，但卻有半年的試用期。該走嗎？我想去新西蘭的打工假期，可是應該會是脫了牙套後的事。唉…都順其自然吧～