Lullaby

It was words that I fell for
In the end, it was words that broke my heart

Can I ask you something?
Anything.
Why is it every time we say good night, it feels like goodbye?

AFRAID TO LOVE

I turn away

 and close my heart -

 to the promise of love 

 that is luring

For the past has taught 

 to not be caught, 

 in what is not worth pursuing -

To never do

 the things I've done

 that once had led to my undoing

By: Lang Leav

Feelings that are indescribable in words, surprisingly I found comfort in these poetry. Beautiful piece of artwork! :')

Friend That Cares

Friendship is always a sweet responsibility,
never an opportunity.
-Khalil Gibran-

Maybe I've shared too much of my inner thought and I'm sorry about that. I'm well known about that, but every time I have to be pointed out by A or other friends, only then I realised. So now I know what goes wrong - I keep on testing other's borderline. It's like if I haven't reach a person's limit, I'm just going to keep sharing until he/she finally fed up. But I was expecting some response, unfortunately, everyone chooses to keep quiet. I'm the childish one here, don't know what I'm trying to achieve.

I wonder if people worn out by just talking to me. I guess they will. 

Goodnight, everyone and the immature me. :')

Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing.

There is a time for silence.

A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny.

And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over.

-Octavia Butler-

Alone ≠ Lonely

Everyone is basically lonely.

Because they're lonely, therefore they work desperately, they make friends and they fall in love in order not to feel lonely.

-Dr Rintaro-

I don't know why I'm not satisfied with my current state. I have more than whoever else is having, but still, I'm looking for more. What is this sickening thought of mine?

Maybe I'm feeling too lonely, seeing friends in relationship somehow make me feel imbalance. Especially when Facebook news feed is all about wedding and pregnancy and I feel like, uh huh - at the age of 24, friends are getting married, having kids, having their own family, nothing can be better than this. But no, I'm at denial. What?! Getting married at this stage?! No way.

The question that is most hated by all the singles outside is that - do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend? No. Why not? Must be your ideal bf/gf criteria is too high. Or maybe you're too picky. They can find whatever reason to explain why you're single. But the truth is, the right one just hasn't appear. Why friends around are so worried that I would end up being forever alone? Leading me to think such a way too!

Because everyone gives me such a pity look and so I get back to dating app again. Yea, we're living in 21st century, but when I said dating app, many still give me that shocked look - OMFG, you're on dating app? Are you seriously this desperate? Uh-huh. Because I'm sick of getting question like why I'm still single. Come on, such a contradictory.

Long story cut short - the app is pretty easy, if you like, you swipe left; if you don't, just swipe right. So I've seen many friends are on the app too, surprisingly. I'm not the only one looking for comfort from the strangers. Don't get me wrong, comfort here means to get someone that understands me.

Once I found someone that's able to make the conversation flowing, I get tired with everyone else as they don't matter anymore. But now I see, that the app is really for hooking up. I happily pick up the conversation, and that lasted for about a month? And that's it. Suddenly he just decided to fade out without any prior notice. Left me wondering why this same situation is happening over and over again. Is it me the one causing the conversation to cease, abruptly? I have no idea. I wish someone can tell me what has gone wrong.

So this is what happened when you're feeling too lonely, when your friends are all dating and you're not, you think you're abnormal which makes your mind not thinking straight because of the stupid loneliness that gives you false signal. You think you need to look for comfort from someone you don't even know, but actually you can do so much better with dealing the loneliness by upgrading yourself over books or meet up with friends. I need to understand that being alone is not equal to feeling lonely. You can still feel lonely when you're surrounded with people.

Thank you, for those good memories and the things I have learned and making my heart fluttered each time you said something sweet. I'm gullible, I can easily fall for the honey. 

Maybe this is just another repulsive post - because I tend to over think, every.single.time.

對號入座

怕不怕被拒絕 怕不怕被省略

你怕不怕被淪落在宿命中妥協

- «指望» 郁可唯 -

當然怕被拒絕
不被接受
因此都活在別人的眼神裡

更怕被省略
有沒有我都沒關係的感覺
不好受

明明我說話沒有很小聲

但總是沒什麼存在感
這感覺特別強烈
當在中學聚會
其他時候其實還好

我不想
無論是友情或愛情
都那麼委屈求全

因為害怕不被喜歡
所以無論誰有要求
而在我能力範圍內
我都會盡量達到
但我沒有那麼偉大
這麼做其實只為了
不讓自己被杯葛

你說的話 我都相信

說得好聽 說得甜蜜

你說的每一句

我全都相信

- «好聽» 許如芸 -

雖然我說
我不受甜言蜜語這一套
但是有人對你這麼說
還蠻享受的
女生就是用耳朵談戀愛的
所以才被人說笨
人家說什麼你全都信

認真想想
可能我也是被美好的語言給迷惑
像魔音般太好聽了

"Hey..."
"Yea?"
"IMY"

我始終不太相信
會有人喜歡我
***想太多
如果你花一些時間來認識我
就會發現你浪費了時間來
了解&喜歡我

Duncan Design

我的世界 沒有你 也許更遼闊

就到這裡 錯了又 如何

- «不是你的錯» 丁噹 -

我信
如果你值得
不管那個人有多忙
TA不會忍心讓你一個人瞎猜
"真的那麼忙嗎"
所以
我並不值得

一個人的時間

那個
能忍受我的憂鬱
我的難搞
一一恐怕只有我自己了吧
雖然我也不太能接受

♀♂ - Something Worth Mulling Over

青春的快餐只要求快 不理哪一家

哪有玩味的空檔來欣賞 細緻淡雅

到大悟大徹將虎嚥的昇華　

等消化學沏茶

至共你覺得苦也 不太差

-«苦瓜» 陳奕迅-

Why are relationships so hard today? Why do we fail at love every time, despite trying so hard? Why have humans suddenly become so inept at making relationships last? Have we forgotten how to love? Or worse, forgotten what love is?

We’re not prepared. We’re not prepared for the sacrifices, for the compromises, for the unconditional love. We’re not ready to invest all that it takes to make a relationship work. We want everything easy. We’re quitters. All it takes is a single hurdle to make us crumble to our feet. We don’t let our love grow, we let go before time.

It’s not love we’re looking for, only excitement and thrill in life. We want someone to watch movies and party with, not someone who understands us even in our deepest silences. We spend time together, we don’t make memories. We don’t want the boring life. We don’t want a partner for life, just someone who can make us feel alive right now, this very instant. When the excitement fades, we discover nobody ever prepared us for the mundane. We don’t believe in the beauty of predictability because we’re too blinded by the thrill of adventure.

We immerse ourselves in the inconsequentials of the city life, leaving no space for love. We don’t have time to love, we don’t have the patience to deal with relationships. We’re busy people chasing materialistic dreams and there’s no scope to love. Relationships are nothing more than convenience.

We look for instant gratification in everything we do – the things we post online, the careers we choose, and the people we fall in love with. We want the maturity in a relationship that comes with time, the emotional connect that develops over years, that sense of belonging when we barely even know the other person. Apparently, nothing’s worth our time and patience – not even love.

We’d rather spend an hour each with a hundred people than spending a day with one. We believe in having ‘options’. We’re ‘social’ people. We believe more in meeting people than getting to know them. We’re greedy. We want to have everything. We get into relationships at the slightest attraction and step out, the moment we find someone better. We don’t want to bring out the best in that one person. We want them to be perfect. We date a lot of people but rarely give any of them a real chance. We’re disappointed in everyone.

Technology has brought us closer, so close that it’s impossible to breathe. Our physical presence has been replaced by texts, voice messages, snapchats and video calls. We don’t feel the need to spend time together anymore. We have too much of each other already. There’s nothing left to talk about.

We’re a generation of ‘wanderers’ who wouldn’t stay at one place for too long. Everyone is commitment phobic. We believe we’re not meant for relationships. We don’t want to settle down. Even the thought of it is scary. We cannot imagine being with one person for the rest of our lives. We walk away. We despise permanence like its some social evil. We like to believe we’re ‘different’ than the rest. We like to believe we don’t conform to social norms.

We’re a generation that calls itself ‘sexually liberated’. We can tell sex apart from love, or so we think. We’re the hook-up-break-up generation. We have sex first and then decide if we want to love someone. Sex comes easy, loyalty doesn’t. Getting laid has become the new getting drunk. You do it not because you love the other person, but because you want to feel good. It’s all the temporary fulfillment we need. Sex outside relationships isn’t a taboo anymore. Relationships aren’t that simple anymore. There are open relationships, friends with benefits, causal flings, one-night stands, no strings attached – we’ve left very little exclusivity for love in our lives.

We’re the practical generation who runs by logic alone. We don’t know how to love madly anymore. We wouldn’t take a flight to a far-off land just to see someone we love. We’d break up because, long distance. We’re too sensible for love. Too sensible for our own good.

We’re a scared generation – scared to fall in love, scared to commit, scared to fall, scared to get hurt, scared to get our hearts broken. We don’t allow anyone in, nor do we step out and love anyone unconditionally. We lurk from behind walls we’ve created ourselves, looking for love and running away the moment we really find it. We suddenly ‘cannot handle it’. We don’t want to be vulnerable. We don’t want to bare our soul to anyone. We’re too guarded.

We don’t even value relationships anymore. We let go of the most wonderful people for ‘the other fishes in the sea.’ We don’t consider them sacred anymore.

There’s nothing we couldn’t conquer in this world, and yet, here we are ham-fisted at the game of love – the most basic of human instincts. Evolution, they call it.

By Ankush Bahuguna

Came across this meaningful piece from Facebook and thought of sharing it here. THIS piece of work made me mull over a lot of things. 

1. I'm not prepared for whatever consequences of getting into a serious relationship.

That thought just scare the hell out of me. Seeing friends sharing their life in the social media - getting married, pregnancy, having kids... all of these have never cross my mind, to be honest. Okay, maybe when imagination runs wild. And yea, parents would always say - when I was your age, I had you already. *roll eyes* So? That was your era. But back to the social media, the trend seems to be going back to my parents' era. And I had just received 2nd red bomb in my life. *sigh*

2. ♪ You say you dream of my face

But you don't like me

You just like the chase ♬

Yea, maybe I just enjoy being chased. Because that would make you feel wanted. I know this is a selfish way of saying things, but it's true. Otherwise, why girls complain about their boyfriends after committed into a relationship - like how their boys don't appreciate them, or like how things were different back then when their boys chased them? Reality is cruel. That's why I'm running away, each time when things gotten too deep/serious. Rational overruled. 

3. Get to know someone new is exciting because curiosity can kill a cat.
I like stories. I like how those life experiences changed a person, in an unexpected way. But I'm a selfish cowardice. I afraid when I get to know you deeper, and you show me more of your flaws, eventually I left because I cannot take it. Or it happens the other way round. I overthink things, especially the worst case scenario that would ever happen. I'm not optimist like what Sagittarius is supposed to be.  

4. Impatience.
This adjective describes me well. I used to think that maybe I'm just impatient on several things - one of those is waiting especially. But as the time passes, I seem to be impatient on, basically everything. Probably the time now seems to be flying instead of walking. I can't afford to do nothing whenever I have free time. Even though the things I did are just wasting of time. It's contradictory, I know but it's inevitable. We just don't live in the present.

5. Not enough time. 
Working 5 days a week may seem to be normal for most of the people, but there're some of us out there work almost 24/7, dedicate our lives to the job, let alone time for ourselves. So when you finally have some time for your own, you received call from friends, boyfriend/girlfriend, family, asking to meet up and there gone your precious me-time. Sometimes, I feel like lying still, doing nothing, let the time slip through my hands. Such a luxury! However, hanging out would cost you some money and what's worst is that when you're out with friends and families, you're NOT there, you're not in the present, neither did anyone else. Everyone is so busy with their life in social media rather than the ones in front of them. Social media platform is created to bring people together but most of us have misused it.

I guess I'll be such a long-winded whiny if I continued further. Haha. But you're welcome to do the pondering yourself. :)

晦氣說話 Self-loathe

We often want it so badly that we ruin it before it begins. Overthinking. Fantasizing. Imagining. Expecting. Worrying. Doubting. #justletitnaturallyevolve - Anon -

I've lost count of how many times I brought up topics I knew I was going to get a really nasty response. I know it all along, but I still do it anyway. To whatever relationship.

Huh? What are the topics? And what are the really nasty response?

When I feel like we somehow drifted away, I would say - don't you think something is weird between us. Or, why didn't you reply? Ohh, probably forgotten me already. 

Yea, these kind of topics.

I always ended up agitate people successfully because I would too if I were the one who receive such message. Especially I always asked at the wrong timing. Aha.

Maybe the response was nothing. Because I overthink. Because I interpreted it with my own intention. Whatever the other person is trying to explain, I misread the message. 

The nasty response is what I interpreted myself.

And then a memory hit me hard. Right. A friend who received such message from me had said this to me - that this is all because of my ego, because I take things for granted. I'm not sure whether what he said is true. But somewhat, I would blame it to the feeling of insecure. I would put the blame on the clingy part of myself.

Can I stop doing these shits already? Drive away people is fun huh? I seriously think that I have become the person I hate the most - attention seeker. :/

#itsbettertobeforeveralone

How can I be lovable when I'm hating myself? #nothingcansaveme #notevenmyself

Screenshot originated from The Artidote

回到過去

想回到過去

試著讓故事繼續

- 周傑倫 -

有一種說不出的距離感
有話想說
但手、心和腦子在吵架
結果把想說的話
最後只發了
"我很好啊"
"我沒事"
"你去睡吧"

我搞不清楚
自己到底想要什麼
不是說乘風破浪的嗎
怎麼風是乘了
但浪卻不按照我的意願

一波一波地襲來

算了
現在是什麼狀態
我也不想理了

我只想好好睡一覺
晚安~

心很煩的時候

多希望能到海邊看海

海那麼大

你那雞毛蒜皮的煩惱

算得了什麼

My Love, My Bride

感情中最糟糕的事情，

或許是當你發現明明兩人在一起，

你卻感覺比自己一個人的 時候還來的寂寞。

This movie is portraying what most of the couples are nowadays.

I like the story on how they knew each other. The girl (MY) went for a speed dating. I think their dress code for the date was to dress in sky blue. She sat down to the table where the boy (YM) is seated. Maybe she was pretty and caught his attention because the name she called out wasn't his name. But they engaged in a conversation anyway as he didn't clarify. He then noticed there was a guy came into the cafe, wearing sky blue jacket. He half pushing the girl out of the cafe and when his friend chasing out from the cafe, he grabbed her hand and they started to run. That's how they knew each other.

Sometimes I ponder, fate is such a mysterious magic that bring love together.

And there's this part of the story... YM's poetry teacher died because of heart attack. He came home looking rather depressed. At the same time, MY was feeling unwell. But she made him dinner, she told him it was new recipe and asked how was it tastes like? He was being so frank - it was tasteless. He said he doesn't want dinner anymore and went back to his work. She then asked him whether she should go to doctor because she was having stomachache. She repeated twice but what she got was that she killed his idea on writing poetry. Things got worsen because he wasn't in good mood and she wasn't feeling well. She was lying in the sofa when he was going out to get some fresh air. He saw his stacks of poetry books that he brought back from his teacher's house earlier being moved to the foyer. This agitated him even more. He kept grumbling and ignored his wife groaning with pain in the sofa. He left the house by banging so hard on the door. She got no choice but to call her mother for help.

It's okay to be moody over whatever situation that gotten to you. But I think it's best to mention it beforehand. Who knows what you've been through for the whole day? It's okay if you don't feel like sharing, but at least you have to make sure the message of "today has been a tough day for me" deliver to the person that waited for you at home.

Like the one mentioned above, she's so innocent, knowing nothing and yet get all the tantrums he threw at her. At the end, of course they get back together. Because they were reminiscing how they get together at the first place.

To get into a relationship is easy, but to maintain one is tough. Because the longer you get used to that relationship, eventually you'll take things for granted. This is what humans are. And that is why there's this saying - appreciate things before you lose it.

Rolling with laughter

Because the sauce of the dish was too good, so we wanted to add some rice to the dish. The restaurant is shorthanded, so my dad brought over the dish to the kitchen in order to add some rice. Don't know how, my dad brought back a plate of rice but without the dish.

The waiter came out from the back of the restaurant looking innocent. Then my dad asked about the dish. The waiter was actually went to throw away the dish! As we already added the rice, so we got no choice but to eat. FYI, we already had 2 big bowls of rice.

And then, there came another dish, the sauce was good too. So my dad called upon the same waiter, asked him to add some rice to the dish instead of throwing it away. Emphasised it this time round.

Soon enough, the waiter reappeared, with the dish on his hand, but the rice... we thought he will add just a little rice, in the middle of the dish. Who knows - he went to fill up the entire dish (the plate that fill the dish looked like a fish). When we saw that, we all rolled with laughter. Then we said maybe he was trying to compensate us with the mistake he had done a moment ago.

You see how full he filled the plate with the rice.

Hahahaha!

Such a cute fella.

It has been a long time since I laughed so hard, so genuinely. It feels good. ♡

別太得意

我從未愛過你 怎麼會想念你

發什麼神經 有理說不清

只是腦袋還不清醒

其實還愛著你 其實還想著你

請你別太得意

«大笨鐘» 周傑倫

在這段互相猜測的關係裡
誰都不願比誰多踏出一步
深怕誰先認真誰就輸了

說穿了
是怕自己輸不起
所以打死我都不說想念
憑什麼

我不要再對號入座
我不要想太多

請我也不要…
期
待
太
多

嗯，就這樣吧
這只是我的心情
所以請你不要對號入座

別去考驗一個在乎你的人

到底可以

在乎你到什麼程度

在乎你到什麼時候

喜歡你怎麼都行

不喜歡你怎麼都不行

這就是我的脾氣

Article by 一個人ALONE:
你隨口一提，我卻信以為真。

迷路・找不到方向 III

When it doesn't feel right, go left.

To be honest, I didn't appreciate the chance that was given to me. With 2 months, many things can be done. But no, I don't think I have studied for my exam. 1 week in Philippines, I don't know what had I done for the remaining of the time. Counting down to the days of exam. Panic started to kick in and only then I started to take things seriously.

As you know, nothing good can be produced under the state of panicking. So from there, I spent time worrying what-ifs. I was depressed, hopeless and remorse. Everyone is trying to help. Thank you, really. But the problem is myself - my stupid brain and heart just couldn't reach a mutual consent. Soon enough, results were out. Guess what? I passed 2 out of 4 papers. And yay! I got exemption for the 2 papers that I passed. So what happened to the remaining 2 papers? I have to take externally, which mean ACCA papers. No more chance taking internal papers and get exemptions on external papers.

Great! So now you see what had I done. New semester, 2nd year. Things went even haywire. I was already drowning and trying to survive in the 1st year, coming to 2nd year was even harder to me. The knowledge gap between diploma and advanced diploma was too huge! There was a thought on and off flicking through my brain - to quit college, even though there was only one semester left.

I don't know whether the decision I made was because of me being submissive again or what. At the same time, but earlier, my best friend withdrew from college. So I was like following her footsteps. I should have make the decision much more earlier. Maybe at the time when I continued my advanced diploma, I should have decide.

So withdrew from college is such an easy thing to do. You just have to fill in a form, return your student card and you're done. The whole procedure took less than a day, much more easier when you enrolled into college.

Before this decision derived, I have mulled over a lot of things, to the extent that I thought I might have depression or worst, schizophrenia. I think I'm so used to living in other's perspective that I lost myself. To withdraw from college is not a mainstream thing to do. To withdraw from college means that you're different from others. Why everyone else can do it but you can't? To withdraw from college brings you a lot of troubles. One of them is that you have to explain yourself on every gathering you attended. The questions usually asked were "how are you doing lately?", "working or still studying?"...

Sadly, I'm an honest person and I don't know how to make up stories. I answered everyone who asked me the questions above, frankly. But I hated the explanation part, because after you answered the questions, it will follow by another question - "why?". Why? I wonder why too.

Ironically, I'm an adventurer and escapist at the same time. To come out with that decision might make me look like an adventurer but honestly, it makes me more like an escapist. I couldn't bear with the circumstance whereby everyone has graduated but I'm the only one left behind, repeating the same papers that I had failed. So I took the move first, because I foresee the future.

The first ever and also the last trip was so memorable. I don't think we can go for another trip like that. It's not easy to let go. But since then, I have come so far and I'm still alive. I think I'm still continuing this route is because this is the only thing I can hold onto. Because if I depart from the road I'm on right now, I don't think my heart can take it the 2nd time. Such a weak-hearted person. Everyone is saying - never give up, because those who persistent enough get the best scenery. I'm so doubted about that saying. Ugh.

After so many years, the same struggle come to haunt me again. After so many years, I have finally braced myself to write 3 long posts about what I have experienced for the past years. I bet I'm not the only one feeling this way, and I guess I'm not the worst one. I'll continue searching, trying until I find what I'm looking for.

Thank you for the photo :)

"Do not go where the path may lead, 

go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson-

For now, I just have to make sure I live with no regrets.

迷路・找不到方向 II

让迷路带给我 意外的收获

离开才能够 更放胆地作梦

容许我 没目的一直走

祝福我 先别问对或错

- «走» 謝震廷 -

If I have the courage, maybe I'll choose anything else besides accounting. But that's only if - if I have that courage.

During diploma, seniors said the years in diploma are honeymoon years. Well, couldn't agree more. Therefore, I continued using my happy-go-luck attitude to conquer whatever that came to me during diploma. I did almost everything that other college students were doing, but I'm not being active enough, so that my resumé would look so much nicer now.

Hardship came thereafter, the last 2 semesters of diploma. I started to struggle, and began whining and complaining. I started to point my fingers to my parents for making me study accountancy. But I was well understood that this has nothing to do with them. If only I'm firm enough on my own stand, on what I insist, maybe the result would be totally different. However, there's no what-ifs. I had already chosen and halfway through the route. Now I'm hanging there, struggling, trying to deviate from the road I'm walking now.

As I said I had been struggling for the last 2 semesters, I almost fail my exam and that would be the first time ever I would need to retake papers. Fortunately, I managed to graduate from diploma, though not with flying colours and there gone my scholarship.

What I regretted the most is that I didn't attend convocation for diploma because I was so sure that I would graduated from advanced diploma as well. Such confidence. Thankfully, I had managed to take graduation photos with my fellow college mates. That seems to diminish my regret, even just a little bit.

For accounting students in my college, we required to choose our route in advanced diploma. We can either go for ACCA, CIMA or normal advanced diploma in accounting. With my borderline result, if I chose ACCA, there are chances I might being dropped out of the course. But I insisted with the choice I made because my friends took ACCA. Part of me don't want to be in an unfamiliar environment alone and part of me just being submissive, going with the tide. What could be wrong if I walk the road everyone else is walking? However, I overestimated my capabilities.

The struggles had followed me to my advanced diploma days. I know I should have put in more efforts. But somehow, I just lost my passion, my motivation. Everyone is moving forward, just me being stagnant, not moving at all. What's worst? I feel like I'm moving backward instead of moving forward.

Those days in advanced diploma were my nightmares. Soon enough, my first semester ended. When results being announced, my heart sunk to the very bottom. What I dreaded most had happened - I failed my main papers. That also exhausted my motivation. But that's okay. Just failing papers. I would have to retake and run a little harder in order to catch up with my other friends.

I guess I decided to disappointed myself and everyone else in the 2nd semester. Because I had failed another round of finals. But college is giving me another chance. There was a special resit session, but that would mean that I cannot go for internship, like everyone else.

I had got no other choices besides to study for 4 papers in 2 months time. In that 2 months time, I went to Philippines for a week. Feel like crying when coming back from there when my cousin and aunt told me to study well. :')

I feel like I had disappointed people that put expectation on me. But I think the one I disappointed the most is myself. I had never once fulfilled things that I promised myself. "You're such a failure!" Repeatedly telling this to myself. Now I decided not to say this anymore. This sentence would make me lose my self-esteem, confidence and positive traits that I'm supposed to have.

有个声音 在催促我
不要回头 也不要逗留
把风景给我 距离给我
请原谅我 隐瞒了行踪

让迷路带给我 意外的收获
离开才能够 更放胆地作梦

遗失了什么 找到什么
现在的我 不想那么多

没有 谁记得我 谁想念我
习惯寂寞 习惯不失落

这世界如果 有一个尽头
就在你心中 我知道 就在你心中

所以天 才变辽阔

容许我 没目的一直走
祝福我 先别问对或错
还给我 放任去流浪很久我的自由
借给我 你最坚定的等候

有幅画面 在对我说
来寻找我 别管要多久
我需要快乐 需要难过
任何感受 都想经历过

迈开脚步 我往前走
终点在哪 从来没想过

迷路・找不到方向 I

I'm always lost, though I think I'm good at direction.

Because I'm happy-go-lucky kind of person in my journey of growing up. To be honest, I think I hated study. In my primary school era, everyone worked so hard for UPSR but me? Keep failing throughout the trial exams. Okay, maybe not failing all the way, but I got really bad grades. I think I kept playing until the exam day, never really study. Or maybe never study at all.

On the exam day itself, many were holding books, trying to fit in whatever they hadn't finished memorizing. But me? Thinking why everyone is so serious. At the end, I got 6A's. Thought I was going to get bad grades again, just like what I did during trials.

And so, I got into secondary school. 3 years later, prepared for PMR - another important exam. Seldom do homework, didn't even pay attention during class and only attended some tuitions. Ended up I got 5A's.

Then, there came SPM. Everyone had been working so hard, trying to get full A's so that it's easier to get scholarship for college/university. But me? The same old me, maybe a little more diligent as compared to previous exams. Flipping through the notes, literally. For my favourite subjects, I practised a little bit. So I got 7A's. Didn't expect to get such result. My parents thought I'm going to get a bad one. Who knows? I secretly think the marker marked my papers wrongly, probably.

I guess that's it. My luck started to depreciate when I went to college.

Due to my good SPM result, I managed to get 75% of scholarship from the college I was attending. And that's the most affordable college for me to be able to continue my tertiary education. 

Because I was an art stream student, with accounting background. I wanted to go for courses like advertising but that enthusiasm of mine quickly dampened by my parents. They said you know what about being creative? And so, my creativity is being murdered. But now, I'm quite grateful I didn't make that choice as seeing my cousin is working in that industry, I'm not sure if I can work like her. Working with no days and nights, the eyebags, the frizzy hair, the bad temper...

Anyway, back to the topic on how I got myself stuck in accounting. No doubt, it was one of my favourite and also the subject I did the best. But to choose it as the course to study based on this reason is so ridiculous. Yea, I might did well, because it's so routine. You just have to memorize the way of doing it, you can excel in it. Please be noted, this only applies to calculation.

My parents doubted about all the courses I picked. So they went to ask advices from their friends. One of their friends' son and daughters all went for accounting courses. So my parents were like "Ohh, accounting is not bad, and for a lady to become an accountant, is good." My mom was actually suggesting me to become a teacher. What?! I hate teaching, especially when I'm teaching my sister. Mental broke down man.

Here I am, left with no other options, and accounting was my last resort. After half year break from SPM, I was so excited about my college life, even though the course I took was not what I wanted.

何時才能看見曙光？

ARTICLE BY MEIYA:-
在每一次纠结的选择中成长