When it doesn't feel right, go left.
To be honest, I didn't appreciate the chance that was given to me. With 2 months, many things can be done. But no, I don't think I have studied for my exam. 1 week in Philippines, I don't know what had I done for the remaining of the time. Counting down to the days of exam. Panic started to kick in and only then I started to take things seriously.
As you know, nothing good can be produced under the state of panicking. So from there, I spent time worrying what-ifs. I was depressed, hopeless and remorse. Everyone is trying to help. Thank you, really. But the problem is myself - my stupid brain and heart just couldn't reach a mutual consent. Soon enough, results were out. Guess what? I passed 2 out of 4 papers. And yay! I got exemption for the 2 papers that I passed. So what happened to the remaining 2 papers? I have to take externally, which mean ACCA papers. No more chance taking internal papers and get exemptions on external papers.
Great! So now you see what had I done. New semester, 2nd year. Things went even haywire. I was already drowning and trying to survive in the 1st year, coming to 2nd year was even harder to me. The knowledge gap between diploma and advanced diploma was too huge! There was a thought on and off flicking through my brain - to quit college, even though there was only one semester left.
I don't know whether the decision I made was because of me being submissive again or what. At the same time, but earlier, my best friend withdrew from college. So I was like following her footsteps. I should have make the decision much more earlier. Maybe at the time when I continued my advanced diploma, I should have decide.
So withdrew from college is such an easy thing to do. You just have to fill in a form, return your student card and you're done. The whole procedure took less than a day, much more easier when you enrolled into college.
Before this decision derived, I have mulled over a lot of things, to the extent that I thought I might have depression or worst, schizophrenia. I think I'm so used to living in other's perspective that I lost myself. To withdraw from college is not a mainstream thing to do. To withdraw from college means that you're different from others. Why everyone else can do it but you can't? To withdraw from college brings you a lot of troubles. One of them is that you have to explain yourself on every gathering you attended. The questions usually asked were "how are you doing lately?", "working or still studying?"...
Sadly, I'm an honest person and I don't know how to make up stories. I answered everyone who asked me the questions above, frankly. But I hated the explanation part, because after you answered the questions, it will follow by another question - "why?". Why? I wonder why too.
Ironically, I'm an adventurer and escapist at the same time. To come out with that decision might make me look like an adventurer but honestly, it makes me more like an escapist. I couldn't bear with the circumstance whereby everyone has graduated but I'm the only one left behind, repeating the same papers that I had failed. So I took the move first, because I foresee the future.
The first ever and also the last trip was so memorable. I don't think we can go for another trip like that. It's not easy to let go. But since then, I have come so far and I'm still alive. I think I'm still continuing this route is because this is the only thing I can hold onto. Because if I depart from the road I'm on right now, I don't think my heart can take it the 2nd time. Such a weak-hearted person. Everyone is saying - never give up, because those who persistent enough get the best scenery. I'm so doubted about that saying. Ugh.
After so many years, the same struggle come to haunt me again. After so many years, I have finally braced myself to write 3 long posts about what I have experienced for the past years. I bet I'm not the only one feeling this way, and I guess I'm not the worst one. I'll continue searching, trying until I find what I'm looking for.
Thank you for the photo :)
"Do not go where the path may lead,
go instead where there is no path and leave a trail."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson-
For now, I just have to make sure I live with no regrets.
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