迷路・找不到方向 II

让迷路带给我 意外的收获

离开才能够 更放胆地作梦

容许我 没目的一直走

祝福我 先别问对或错

- «走» 謝震廷 -

If I have the courage, maybe I'll choose anything else besides accounting. But that's only if - if I have that courage.

During diploma, seniors said the years in diploma are honeymoon years. Well, couldn't agree more. Therefore, I continued using my happy-go-luck attitude to conquer whatever that came to me during diploma. I did almost everything that other college students were doing, but I'm not being active enough, so that my resumé would look so much nicer now.

Hardship came thereafter, the last 2 semesters of diploma. I started to struggle, and began whining and complaining. I started to point my fingers to my parents for making me study accountancy. But I was well understood that this has nothing to do with them. If only I'm firm enough on my own stand, on what I insist, maybe the result would be totally different. However, there's no what-ifs. I had already chosen and halfway through the route. Now I'm hanging there, struggling, trying to deviate from the road I'm walking now.

As I said I had been struggling for the last 2 semesters, I almost fail my exam and that would be the first time ever I would need to retake papers. Fortunately, I managed to graduate from diploma, though not with flying colours and there gone my scholarship.

What I regretted the most is that I didn't attend convocation for diploma because I was so sure that I would graduated from advanced diploma as well. Such confidence. Thankfully, I had managed to take graduation photos with my fellow college mates. That seems to diminish my regret, even just a little bit.

For accounting students in my college, we required to choose our route in advanced diploma. We can either go for ACCA, CIMA or normal advanced diploma in accounting. With my borderline result, if I chose ACCA, there are chances I might being dropped out of the course. But I insisted with the choice I made because my friends took ACCA. Part of me don't want to be in an unfamiliar environment alone and part of me just being submissive, going with the tide. What could be wrong if I walk the road everyone else is walking? However, I overestimated my capabilities.

The struggles had followed me to my advanced diploma days. I know I should have put in more efforts. But somehow, I just lost my passion, my motivation. Everyone is moving forward, just me being stagnant, not moving at all. What's worst? I feel like I'm moving backward instead of moving forward.

Those days in advanced diploma were my nightmares. Soon enough, my first semester ended. When results being announced, my heart sunk to the very bottom. What I dreaded most had happened - I failed my main papers. That also exhausted my motivation. But that's okay. Just failing papers. I would have to retake and run a little harder in order to catch up with my other friends.

I guess I decided to disappointed myself and everyone else in the 2nd semester. Because I had failed another round of finals. But college is giving me another chance. There was a special resit session, but that would mean that I cannot go for internship, like everyone else.

I had got no other choices besides to study for 4 papers in 2 months time. In that 2 months time, I went to Philippines for a week. Feel like crying when coming back from there when my cousin and aunt told me to study well. :')

I feel like I had disappointed people that put expectation on me. But I think the one I disappointed the most is myself. I had never once fulfilled things that I promised myself. "You're such a failure!" Repeatedly telling this to myself. Now I decided not to say this anymore. This sentence would make me lose my self-esteem, confidence and positive traits that I'm supposed to have.

有个声音 在催促我
不要回头 也不要逗留
把风景给我 距离给我
请原谅我 隐瞒了行踪

让迷路带给我 意外的收获
离开才能够 更放胆地作梦

遗失了什么 找到什么
现在的我 不想那么多

没有 谁记得我 谁想念我
习惯寂寞 习惯不失落

这世界如果 有一个尽头
就在你心中 我知道 就在你心中

所以天 才变辽阔

容许我 没目的一直走
祝福我 先别问对或错
还给我 放任去流浪很久我的自由
借给我 你最坚定的等候

有幅画面 在对我说
来寻找我 别管要多久
我需要快乐 需要难过
任何感受 都想经历过

迈开脚步 我往前走
终点在哪 从来没想过