Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle

You're afraid people don't like you, so you decided to hate them first.

It's a completely different story when you only have one life left.

But in reality, we only had one life. It depends on how you wanna live your life to the fullest.

關於歌詞…«就手» by 泳兒

已經是第二次了，所以真的是我的問題？還是一開始就不應該抱有什麼期望，需知道所謂網上結交朋友，從而發展成情侶這種戲份不可能發生在我身上。是我太傻了，也是我一開始就覺得有可能…但我真的是TMD賤。#活該

再也不要以這種結交朋友的方式，楊可薇，我警告你一一不可以！

假使只要一點小吃消遣一下便會找我

假使想要燭光映照舉杯起筷便有需要

找更講究的貨色 我知我僅有的價值

假使只要一刻安慰充塞空檔便記得我

假使想要伴侶那樣摸到捉不到的感覺

便要 尋覓更有趣更神秘角色

比較像是我做的事一一拿熱臉去貼別人的冷屁股。我無法忍受一個會話停滯不前，所以我很努力找話題。儘管被說其實我可以順其自然，有話就聊，如果沒有，那就這樣吧，不需要勉強。但多數都是我先去開始話題，記憶中他鮮少先來說嗨，如果有，應該是一開始的時候吧？那時候大家都還不懂對方，還有神秘面紗可言。我承認，只要我認定了，就毫無掩飾地表露自己，什麼神秘感也隨之消散。

我這麼就手 最終只可化為朋友

奉獻便宜到 認定我不捨得撤走

是啊～現在連朋友都做不成了。一個說盡動人的話語，雖然我討厭甜言蜜語，但唯獨他的無法抗拒; 另一個害怕承諾，一大堆的藉口連一面都沒見到。結果，兩個都有女朋友了。所以…？

明知我即找即到實在也不必上心

明知你在利用我太方便行近

我太像便利店 即使販賣所需的一切

亦沒法留住你這位貴賓

能給你一早給你絕沒有驚喜發生

連好處亦被習慣當應份

其實你 看不起我太易被找到

見慣了再沒法吸引

是我讓自己變得太方便了。

普通的我當然不會差得使你避我憎我

偏偏不會好得使你甘於相信是你心裡

不會感到生厭的 你只記得我出過力

不知道該說他的忍耐度，還是他情商真的是很高，無論我多麼的無理取鬧，他依然會回覆。但他都不是秒回，我一度質問他是怎樣回覆信息的。嗯，我太霸道了。

不分早晚不管天氣不必休假

為你想到這麼周到讓我變成飄忽於左近的空氣

讓你 從沒有興緻去為我歎息

我發現我越來越不會和人相處。一些雞毛蒜皮的事就能讓我緊張兮兮，覺得自己說錯話，得罪人。只要沒被回應，就會立刻聯想是不是又是自己詞不達意，沒被理解。一直覺得身邊的人會因為自己惡劣的表達能力而離自己遠去。畢竟離開我的人也不只一兩個了。

好累，在想我的心是不是病了？

突然又好想哭。

五月天人生有限公司演唱會・馬來西亞站

去年來過了的五月天決定今年再回歸，本來想說很瀟灑地一個人去看演唱會。怎知朋友問要不要一起去，二話不說答應了。其實也是因為她有門路，我們不需要人擠人地搶票，所以決定豁出去了。

第一次自付的演唱會，幸好沒買最便宜的門票。8點才開始，我們6點就到現場排隊入場。我們也算遲了，另一個朋友告訴我4點就好在現場排隊才能霸到好位子。幸好沒聽他說，6點剛剛好。在入場之前一直再猶豫要不要花錢買互動螢光棒，結果還是忍痛買了。買了很值得，因為那是我看過最美的燈海。

開場嘉賓一一鼓鼓，我不認識，但造型很像韓國人，然後一口氣唱了兩首自己的歌外加一首五月天的«瘋狂世界»。終於，精彩的要來了。演唱會以電影的方式拉開帷幕，還有3D效果。電影裡掃射的場面，現場還真的有火花四射！前菜上完以後，五月天就出場唱了第一首歌。現場聽和插著耳機聽真的有差別！太high了！還有互動螢光棒，整個畫面好美。

不知道唱了多少首歌，他們就齊齊坐在台上和我們閒聊。也不知道是那一次的閒聊，他們一起黑石頭，說五月天沒有後援會，只有石頭有。可能後面來馬來西亞的演唱會，隊員都換完了，剩下石頭一個人。他們太搞笑了！

整場演唱會，最美的舞台效果應該是他們唱«成名在望»的時候，那個3D效果，讓我起雞皮疙瘩！最美的燈海，應該就是唱«戀愛ing»的時候吧？色彩繽紛。

我以為演唱會就這麼結束，但他們一次又一次的encore，太感動了。這次演唱會後覺得身為一位歌手真的不容易啊～一個演唱會一唱就是3個小時，對喉嚨的殺傷力可想而知。阿信那天唱完喉嚨也變得沙啞了，都為他心疼了。

本來就不是五月天的鐵粉，但過了這次的演唱會就不一樣了。:)

你問我全世界哪裡最美？

一一答案是你身邊

One is enough for my heart

縱有灼灼桃花十里，
取一放在心上…
足矣。

一一«三生三世十里桃花»電影版

Demotivated

"Have you started to feel demotivated?"
Boss asked.

"Yes."

"What could be the reasons?"

Yea, what are the reasons? I'm pondering too.

Boss would expect you to do more after you were being promoted. Year end is coming, too many unfinished tasks on hand.

Can I slack till I come back from my vacation? I'm hoping I can have some positive changes after my Japan trip.

My passion, my motivation seem missing, where can I look for them? Sigh...

Uncommitted

She's not fully committing to it, 

wanting to make the effort

but truly hoping she wouldn't be noticed,

so she could walk away,

so she could always say she'd tried,

so she could rest easily, guilt free.

- amended & taken from «One Hundred Names» by Cecelia Ahern

Recently picked up jogging as my after-work-exercise. So healthy, yea. But exercise can get sick as well. And I was hoping the rain every single day, so I have got excuse to skip. If I were to run alone, I probably wouldn't have persist for 3 weeks in a row. My self-discipline sucks. Thanks to my jogging buddy a.k.a. my boss.

I find myself kinda slack because I couldn't run for a long time. I couldn't catch my breath. The longest record was I managed to run entire round without stopping. I guess my condition that day was good.

Closing kicking in, which means October is just around the corner. Damn, the last quarter of 2017! What have I achieved so far?

Passed my JLPT N2 with barely-pass-result. Sigh. That's the achievement of the year.

Why writing sad post is easier than a happy one?

Planning to come back here with positive vibes. But no, only when I feel down I remember the fact that I have a blog. This is so pathetic. I made this place of mine a negative emotion outlet.

Why writing something depressed is easier than writing something delightful? People tend to share sad things rather than happy things?

But I decided not to engulf in negative vibes. So let's talk about being grateful.

Have got a 4 days long weekend, but damn, today is already Sunday, oops, it's already Monday, and I feel like I have achieved nothing. I should set out a plan or to-do list, to keep myself in track. However, on the first day of my holiday, I went for a movie marathon. Well, it was kind of unexpected, because I only planned to watch "IT".

You'll float too.

Turned out "IT" wasn't that scary. I didn't know what the story was about, all I ever knew was people kept sharing illustration of a clown under a sewer in Facebook, and illustrating if the sewer is in Malaysia, guess the clown couldn't have the chance to show his face as the sewer would be clogged by rubbish on the road. "IT" wasn't scary but some of the scenes were grossed. Like the one in the bathroom, where the blood gushed from the sink like water fountain and turned the entire bathroom into bloody red room. I like the story revolved around "fear" because the clown gained energy from fear. If you're not afraid, he couldn't do anything to hurt you. It's controversial that clowns are losing their jobs due to this movie. Well, that's because the Pennywise clown is not likeable and has a horrible teeth that eats people. Fear, red balloon and clown were what left in my mind after watching this movie.

Manners maketh man.

And then I received call from my primary school friend, saying there were 2 extra tickets for "Kingsman: The Golden Circle". They were FREE, of course we grabbed and went for it, even though the time was rushing. We were so grateful (maybe we didn't show enough), the movie hadn't start when we reached 8+ p.m.. It should have started at 8 p.m. but thanks to the advertisement, it started around 8:30 p.m.. Needless to say, Kingsman is an amazing one. Their action scenes would just make you WOW. For this sequel, they focused mainly on the "drug" and how U.S. president handled the situation when the drug dealer distributed the poisonous drugs around the world. Found out that the president is a selfish person, he thinks that everyone who takes drugs isn't worth to save, so he locked them up in a stadium and let them go down together with the drug dealer. This is kind of a hero movie, so ended up Kingsman saved the world.

The sky recently is just too beautiful.

Cowardice

I'm fucking hating your cowardice!
 Had been extremely honest, but where's the answer?

   What I get was "has seen".

But maybe your no-reply is the best reply I've got. Thank you?

Feel like I'm being torn apart. :/
Self-loathe. When can I move on?

Where's positivity?

My previous blog posted too many negative and depressed posts so I decided to close it down and opened up a new one instead. I was determined to make my new blog look more fresh and positive. I was.

But I guess humans are prone to negative vibes as somehow being sad is so much easy than being happy. That uplifting is hard you know? When things aren't easy either.

I know being happy is hard, people tend to allow themselves to feel sad for something that they can't control. Like, today is a bad day, because I met a rude road user that cut my queue, and client made me redo thing for God knows how many times she amended, and expecting on time release from work but no. I've read so many articles and even book that tell me how to change my perspective when nasty things happen. It ain't easy, it's even harder to have to decide what to eat for lunch. But I'll try. I don't want my heart to get sick for being too indulged in negativity.

I knew my colleague doesn't like people to step on her shoes, and yet I dunno why I did that yesterday and I caught off my guard because of the expression she wore when she responded to me. The feeling of she-hates-me-now immediately arouse within me. But I just hope it's just me over thinking. I just love over thinking and I can't help it.

I could easily relate to something that I saw, I heard, I read or people's actions and their words. I feel like I've been living too warily. I'm afraid I'll be abandoned because it's me, that make the situation ended in a bad way. It's proven. People I care eventually exit my life. Or maybe I'm the one make them to?

I'm in need of a warm hug and someone who's words aligned with their action. I'm still hoping there will be someone - even if I block them out, they still persist to try until I open my door to them. #miracle #righttiming #rightperson

Rainbows introduce us to reflections of different beautiful possibilities so we never forget that pain and grief are not the final options in life.

- Aberjhani -

也沒什麼

你還要我怎樣 要怎樣

你突然來的短信就夠我悲傷

我沒能力遺忘 你不用提醒我

哪怕結局就這樣

我還能怎樣 能怎樣

最後還不是落得情人的立場

你從來不會想 我何必這樣

- «你還要我怎樣» 薛之謙 -

***那天心血來潮的看回一開始的信息，心想一開始不要那麼矜持，一約就出來見面的我們，現在會是怎樣？

***或許是我一直給自己製造太多的假象，以為我們可能有機會？大概是我想戀愛想瘋了。又或者我只是一直在尋找那熟悉的影子，熟悉的感覺…但其實所謂的感覺、記憶是不是都是自欺欺人？

***完全沒在怕，把心裡想到的什麼都豁出去說了，還被說怎麼那麼厲害調情。我無語。也得看對象是誰啊？我像是那麼濫情的人嗎？但畢竟隔著螢幕，倘若真正見面的我還會那麼毫無畏懼嗎？

***真的，要是能找一個什麼都能聊的，那感覺就無遺憾了。我指的不是一個人單方面的說不停，而是有來有往，在一個話題上互相給意見。當你看到的、想到的、吃到的，就是想跟一個人分享，然後ta給的反應會讓你有滿足感。前者有，但後者在我印象中好像沒有。

***真該改掉tmd的糾結。反正想再多，結局並不會有任何改變。反正該試的我也試了，不是我的而且只有我一個人努力一一就好比用一隻手去鼓掌，能有聲音嗎？一一有意思嗎？

First Levi's

關於歌詞... «你給我聽好» by 陳奕迅

你看看大夥兒合照

就你一個人沒有笑

是我們裝傻 還是你真的

有很多普通人沒有的困擾

合照？我應該有在笑，但是不是發自內心的笑，我就不得而知。最近都不怎麼愛拍照（因為綁牙的關係），仿佛回到那討厭拍照的時期啊～

對～我還蠻多普通人沒有的困擾。總結一句，是我想太多。總愛胡思亂想，然後讓自己陷入心情不好的狀態。我有在減少份量啦！有試著不去想太多，反正不努力，想再多也是徒勞。不管再怎麼想，只要你不努力，不是你的永遠也不會變成你的。

我才懶得給你解藥

反正你愛來這一套

為愛情折腰 難道不是

一直以來戒不掉的癖好

感覺就很像我在勸解朋友放下壞掉的感情。講了許久，ta一直在轉牛角尖，都沒在做出任何改變。漸漸的，ta不再提起，我也任由ta自生自滅。反正我相信時間是最好的解藥，只要熬過了，就可以獲得重生的機會。畢竟我也不是ta，說再多，自己想不通的話，也是白費力氣。

你在想誰想到睡不著

你應該覺得驕傲

很多人想失戀也沒有目標

只是想睡個好覺 別炫耀

我還真的沒為了想誰而睡不著。睡眠對我來說根本不是問題。但我是真的還蠻想失戀，可惜沒目標。哈哈哈～那我來炫耀我能睡好覺好了。

別說你還好 沒什麼不好

你就怨日子枯燥

沒什麼煩惱 恐怕就想到

什麼生存意義想到沒完沒了

你給我聽好 想哭就要笑

其實你知道煩惱會解決煩惱

新的剛來到 舊的就忘掉

渺小的控訴就是你想要的生活情調

其實還真的沒什麼不好，日子還不是照樣地過。日子還真的有點枯燥，但這些只能怪自己一一老是刷手機、就算聚會也一直在聊滿滿負能量的話題、沒有人生目標、沒有對象、日子就是過一天得一天…

有時會很想哭，因為現在這種生活方式讓人毫無生氣。眼看著身邊的親戚朋友都到外國去闖，心想著幾時才能是我呢？但還是那句一一不努力爭取，機會不可能自動送上門。嗯，我會減少控訴的～直視人生方向，是時候要踏出一步了。

還會有人讓你睡不著

還能為某人燃燒

我親愛的這樣浪漫的煎熬

不是想要就能要 別炫耀

想為某人燃燒，但完全不被給予機會。總要撞牆夠夠力，讓心傷到不能再傷才會明了一一這樣浪漫的煎熬，不是想要就能要。快點讓自己認清事實，其實我們本來就是平行線，只是偶然交錯而有了交集。

有時還挺累的，所以是有意思還是沒意思？一直發歌詞可是又好像只是發爽要人怎麼猜？結果造就了自個兒在螢幕後面瞎猜，到底是什麼意思？

你給我聽好 想哭就要笑

其實你知道煩惱會解決煩惱

新的剛來到 舊的就忘掉

渺小的控訴只是證明生活 並不無聊

還記得上一份工作特別多抱怨，因為人事關係。雖然聚在一起都很負能量，但一旦抱怨起來，還是笑聲不斷。挺想念那段時光！現在很久才會有一次的聚會還是讓我們停不了口和笑聲，然而不同的是，抱怨大大地減少了。

別讓我知道 其實你在背著我們 偷笑

對，在嘲笑這個社會的運作方式。
瞧不起自己竟然變成了自己曾經討厭的大人。
瞧不起每次與自己說好的事沒有一件能做到。
瞧不起自己越來越沒有禮貌。
瞧不起自己越來越墮落，越來越退步，越來越沒勁…
瞧不起但卻沒以身作則做出任何改變。

吊高來賣

在這個年代，吊高來賣這一招不管用了。

那天跟舊同事聚會，你懂，聚會根本不可能會跳過感情話題。避不了的追問一一所以妳是還沒有過初戀？是啊～都25歲的人沒戀過是哪裡出現了問題呢？我本人也很納悶。

已有對象的朋友會說
一一肯定是你眼光太高了，我不信沒人追求你。

分手後現在單身的朋友就會語重心長地說
一一希望下次你找到的是一輩子的人，不要像我這樣受傷。

跟我一樣沒戀過的朋友會說
一一順其自然吧～都等了那麼多年，沒差。
一一慘啦！都這個歲數還沒戀過是想怎樣？我現在有很差咩？

所以關於我單身這麼有話題性，每個朋友必定會有一大堆的意見，不管是好的壞的。

回到舊同事的聚會…
她就語重心長說 : " 不要吊高來賣。現在的人不夠堅持而且還有玻璃心。你拒絕2次以後，休想還會有戲。"
這我舉腳贊同！

但可能我被電影、電視劇裡美化的愛情給洗腦，怎樣都還是會期待童話般的戀愛，畢竟這會是我的初戀。然後她又說 : " 不要期待奇蹟的降臨。" 我知道，做人要現實。所以現在甜到掉牙的愛情小品，我一律不看。看了會有不該有期待。

而我媽就會說 : " 如果真的有不錯的對象，那就去試試。"
" 他是不錯，可是沒feel。"
" 沒有feel不是培養咯。"
" 你以為還是那個盲婚啞嫁的年代？沒感情就慢慢培養到有？你跟某些人相處後，你會知道他是不是你找的那個人。"

現在的人很喜歡講這麼抽象的東西。
到底什麼是feel？ 

我也把初戀用放大鏡來看。
初戀也只不過是一個名詞，用來形容你第一次與一個人以男女朋友交往的戀愛關係。
初戀與否，真的有那麼大不了嗎？

然後會有人說一一那是你沒戀過，跟吃不到葡萄說葡萄酸的道理一樣。
無論怎樣，每個人都會有意見。
做自己吧～誠實地…

如果機會降臨

又到了人生的轉折點。
該去？該留？

如果給予機會，
完全脫離舒適圈，
但可能會是你要的那一塊，
你將會如何抉擇？

捫心自問，
趁著還年輕，
趁著還有時間可以消費，
從新出發有何不可？

重點來了一一
不要加班卻要
高薪水，
多假期，
多福利，
能支持我繼續讀回書而給予有薪假期…

想那麼多幹嘛呢？
機會真的來了再算。

所以我要的到底是怎麼樣的人生啊～？

Care too much

Why am I trying so hard?
.
Why am I always feeling like I'm at fault when I did nothing wrong?
.
Why the hell I care when the one I expect to care does not care?
.
Maybe it's really time to let go. Because the chance was given to me and I didn't appreciate it. Maybe this is it. The end of our friendship.
.

Note to myself:
Stop caring when people decide not to care anymore and exit your life.

***

Just when I decided not to care, she replied. After I texted 2 days ago. People never change sometimes. Or perhaps it's just me who text back instantly, to people I care too much. I think somewhat is a karma, because I ignore people's messages too. 

Honest

DON'T let your EARS witness what your EYES didn't see. DON'T let your MOUTH speak what your HEART doesn't feel. LIVE with HONESTY.

There are too many articles, regardless on the newspapers or social media, telling what you should do and what you shouldn't. A thought keep gnawing on me lately - that we're constantly limiting ourselves. That I didn't have enough money, so I can't go travel. That I majored in accounting, thus I have to be an accountant. That everyone around my age has a boyfriend, so I should have one as well.

I wouldn't say staying single is cool, as those in relationship will look at you, envying your freedom. Or the opposite, they'll ask you to get one quickly, not until you don't have much choices left, not until you're old, not until you're not pretty anymore. Because all these society perceptions grow too deeply within all of us and we started to believe that these should be the way we live our lives.

Too many people only exist in this world without really living their lives, to their fullest. I don't want to live my life like every other existence. I had kind of wasted the best time in my life, I'm not going to waste my future, thinking whether I should or I shouldn't. I'll do whatever I feel like it. Of course, there'll be a voice inside saying that I can't, it's impossible, I shouldn't. Fuck that! From now on, I'll be extremely honest to me and myself, and everyone else. Do hate me if you don't like, because no one ever says honesty should be beautiful.

I'll make sure I do whatever I can to make my life less to no regret. I'm gonna mingle whenever I attend whatever event or gathering. I'm gonna love with all my might, even though I may end up being hurt.

Let's be honest, so that you won't live a life full of regrets. :)

Working life... 1. Junior

有時不是不願意給機會給新人，而是他們的學習態度和做出來的結果都是差強人意。（也並不是每個新人都是一個樣）

所以，很多時候寧願什麼都自己做。要不然讓新人做，到最後收拾爛攤子的還是自己，結果造就了double work.

看著新人們，還不是當初自己剛開始接觸這份工作時的模樣。#忍不住罵自己笨

同樣一份耐心，別人能給我，但我卻給不了新人。同樣的事說了2次，如果還是給我一副" 我不明白 " 的臉，一下我的氣又要來了。但，同樣的，如果是我不明白，我也渴望別人可以解釋到我明白為止。#矛盾

而且剛開始不熟悉，手腳一定比較慢。還記得前輩示範教學時，那速度快到我超羨慕的，尤其切換窗口的速度簡直讓我目瞪口呆。現在後輩們投以當時我一樣羨慕的眼神，看著我的手指在鍵盤上跳舞。所有的事情，一旦熟悉了，就會像機械人的日常一一駕輕就熟。然後，人的本性就開始浮現，那就是理所當然的舒適圈。工作上手了，不用腦也能做，除非有特殊狀況。

一直糾結去留，可是一晃就一年半了。糊里糊塗地還升了職，但卻有半年的試用期。該走嗎？我想去新西蘭的打工假期，可是應該會是脫了牙套後的事。唉…都順其自然吧～

想

很想寫讓他對號入座的文章，

但我知道他不會看。

我也太在意別人怎麼看我了。

這要不得的毛病，

幾時才能把它給改掉？

我想，

應該要等到內心夠強大那時候吧？

心裡的烏雲
眼角的祕密
來不及燃燒的感情
被流言給吹熄
轉身回到孤寂

生活的叢林
堅強的遊戲
在白天掏空了勇氣
在黑夜剩不平
不懂錯在哪裡

我不過是一個很想幸福的人
為什麼遇不到會生根的緣分
學著戒掉悲觀 負我的都不恨
讓心靈完整 美麗動人
還是一個人

寂寞的當一個很想幸福的人
等待著一顆心接受我的坦誠
懂得愛甜蜜中有苦澀的成分
會和我爭論 愛卻不磨損
沒有不信任

我相信 當一個很想幸福的人
也必須是能夠讓人幸福的人
我不怕去付出 也肯承擔責任
溫暖的誠懇 溫柔的迷人
誰是那個人 能讓我沸騰
想幸福的人

- 楊丞琳 «想幸福的人»

Too many thoughts but too little writing

I wanted to become a writer and yet I did nothing to get closer to my dream. What I did was spending time, imagining I'll be like some writers in the future. But that future never comes.

Another person just gone missing in action, read without reply. This time round, tablet went haywire? What did I expect? I can confirm I'll go waggling my tail like a puppy afterwards when he replies. Unless he's the one who gives up on me. Pathetic me. Why can't I be the one who walk away first?

Another is waiting. I'm not sure what I feel about the one gone missing, but I know I wouldn't want to waste a good man's time by telling him to wait for me. That's bullshit. That's what bitch do. And I think I'm bitchy enough. Yea, go ahead and say me picky. Someone is in my line and I didn't want to choose him.

I said you're not persistent enough. He said when giving too much can wear out a person. I know that feeling too well, but reality made me the person I hated the most. Keep trying, if I'm that easy, then you don't deserve me.

Spending too much time on strangers, it's like you're living in another world, that you're not in present. Try spending time with real people, instead of someone that wouldn't make time to meet you in real life.

I'm so fed up sometimes. I wanted to go all out with my heart, to tell them I care so that they response the way I expect. But screw the society, screw myself. Because I should have known that not everything I want goes my way.

Okay, enough of ranting. Even sleep also being chided. What a kid I am. When can I grow up? Build my own wings and get away from here. Anywhere but here.

試毒

爸現在都不能喝有糖的飲料，所以每次到外面用餐，他都只點barley kosong.

今天，一如往常他點了barley kosong, 但是每次喝之前都會叫人幫他試試是不是真的走糖。他就叫媽幫他試，我脫口而出一一這個場景很像奴婢幫皇上試菜，確認沒毒才放心讓皇上食用。

然後他莞爾地笑了。:)

Quit

Finally, I quit tinder for good. It's an app that you often will go back to, to see if someone drops you any message after you went missing for some time.

I'm not sure about you, but the feeling of seeing the red batch on the conversations somehow makes me feel wanted. But this feeling of wanted is wrong. It's like when you're lonely, you just want to find someone to kill time, and that's only work temporarily. In long run, you'll feel awfully lonely and that's no cure.

Also, I can't comprehend why people gotten boyfie or girlfriend there. It doesn't seem to work for me. One problem with tinder is that, when I met them in real life, I often can't relate them to the people I text with. Their look different, their sound different. Everything is just so different. They can be so fun to text with, but in real life, we're awkward like shit. Probably I'm the one causing the awkwardness. Because thousands of thoughts going around in mind, but none is spoken out. I'm the one that give only an answer to a question, nothing more and nothing less. The girl like me is boring.

And what I hated myself the most is that, I often appraise the person I met with, regarding his look, his attire, his voice, his hairstyle, his height, how he carries himself, how he speaks... like I have any stand to do so. If he fails any of the criteria after we met, I'll start replying half-heartedly or even stop replying. What a horrible person I'm.

There's this person wondering whether I wrote about him here. So here's your story, in case you follow my blog. Apparently, both of us haven't grow tired with each other, yet. Also, we haven't meet in person, yet, despite we have been texting for almost a year, and talking over the phone for a few times. We've so many to talk about over texting, so I always imagine will it be different if we talk on the phone. But hell, we're so awkward. Again, maybe I'm the one who think so.

We shared, something I dunno who to go to but I told him. He asked why I shared things, (secrets sometimes) with him, to be frank, I also dunno. He then commented that, I'm not afraid to share things with stranger. On second thought, of course I scare. This is a dangerous world. But my gut told me I can tell things to him. Maybe because he hasn't got tired of me yet.

He tends to reply extremely slow. I got pissed off a lot at the beginning, because texting like this is so not fun. It's like the flow is ongoing, but suddenly it got cut off. What?! But now, I just let it be. I got it, different people have different ways of replying text. He's just the-awfully-slow-replying-person. His pace.

I often tease him, saying we probably will not meet at all. Because we're living so far away. Deep inside I just think that maybe I'm not worthwhile to meet in real time after all. People make me feel so small because I allow them to. I'm trying my best not to feel small, but sometimes it's just so hard.

"No one can hurt you without your consent."

- Eleanor Roosevelt -

"They cannot take away our self respect if we do not give it to them."

- Gandhi -

Sometimes, I feel that the way we are now is fine, let's just keep this way forever. Who knows if we met face-to-face, I'll start to judge again. And then I'll lose a listener, someone that I can tell craps to, someone that listen to my negative vibes and still replying. When he takes longer than usual, I'll start to think I probably said something that agitate him. Every time when I think, that's it, this is the end, and yet, the messenger icon pops out again, to prove that I over think things.

When I started to type, I wrote until I run out things to write. There's more, but nah, it's long enough for now. Thank you, I expect you to do much more, even though you're just a stranger. I know I'm being too greedy.

"No matter what we breed, we still are made of greed." 

- Imagine Dragon -

Emotion outlet.

P.s. I'll make sure you read this post and please be terasa, because this is for you. Hahaha!

R e d a n g

Fill your life with adventures, not things.
Have stories to tell, not stuff to show.
- Unknown -

This was an unforgettable trip.

#1
We decided this trip at the eleventh hour and my friend planned everything without further ado.

#2
3 of them were going from Muar and I was the only one taking night bus from KL to Kuala Terengganu and back by flight, alone.

#3
And so I was being rushed after my work on Friday night, to eat, to pack, to be on board to the bus. I almost took the wrong bus, because there were 2 buses from same company stopped at the same gate. I didn't check where was the bus going and then I went straight up to the bus.

#4
Night bus was really killing me. Didn't really get to sleep because I couldn't find the best sleeping position. Even if I found, I would surely being woken up to freezing cold feet, or the feeling of instability when the bus driver was going way too fast. I also had a lot of rubbish thoughts going on my mind. But the night sky was beautiful, the one we could only see when we got away from the city and back to the rural area where the lights were dim or no lights at all.

#5
So to save battery (actually I didn't quite save it, my phone's battery draining fast), I only switched on data whenever I felt there's any incoming messages. Around 5 a.m., only I saw incoming messages from my friends saying that they were delayed! Probably would only reach around 10+ a.m.. Omg! I thought they were coming at the same time with me and would reach only half and hour later. So I arrived MBKT terminal at 5:30 a.m., being alone and starving. Paid to go to the public washroom, brushed my teeth and ate the snacks I bought before boarding bus earlier.

#6
Two Malay ladies were probably going to Redang as well. So I asked her whether they rent a car to jetty or walk. Then they said they're still deciding between Redang or Perhentian Island. When I finally thought they decided to go to the same direction as me, they abandoned me and go with another lady to Merang Jetty instead.

#7
So I walked alone, to the jetty. Thought wanna go earlier, so that I could catch the sunrise. But, the weather forecast gave me a cloudy icon! It even drizzled when I departed!

Met a weird uncle there when I went up to a bridge to take a photo of the sky. Asked a lot of personal details. And when I asked him to recommend what's famous around that area, he gave me one of the kuih - kuih seri muka, he was eating earlier. I couldn't believe I took it and ate it. He even wanted to save my phone number, to make friends. What the hell. #problemofbeingskepticism

Kuih seri muka

#8
Walked around Chinatown and found a kopitiam, simply had a breakfast and continued exploring the mural arts. Unfortunately, I didn't get to explore all due to time constraint and with my super heavy handcarry - wondering why I switched from backpack to handcarry.

Here are some photos I took:-

Happy 520.

I have no idea why people started celebrated this day, by showing off how they love each other on the social media.

As if the locks can lock the love forever.

The sunrise I got to see. 

I like these shots. ❤

This tree made from chair legs.

This is a temple with a big "福" on the wall.

Turtle alley.

#9

Our ferry was originally at 10:30 a.m., so I went ahead to the jetty to redeem our tickets. But they weren't able to make it on time. So I told the agent - Uncle Tan, and he told me that we could be on board for the 3 p.m. ferry.

#10
With hassle of miscommunication, I left my luggage with Uncle Tan and he went back to office and would only be back to the jetty around 2 p.m.. My friend called and she told me agent in Muar had communicated with the resort, saying we would take speed boat at Merang Jetty instead. I was like, what the..? How about my luggage?

...to be continued...

Back to tinder

I only told a few of my friends that I'm actually on tinder - those I think they wouldn't judge me. Tinder is an app that is soooo infamous when it comes to hookups. Rest assured, I'm not crazy enough to go for that, though there were nuts asking.

So why I'm on that app? It's not like I don't have friends. I dunno. Maybe I'm just an attention seeker. Looking for someone that can prove my existence. I know this is my lack of confidence. If one is confident enough, he/she doesn't need to prove themselves constantly.

I hate myself being in this way. I'm not going to deny it, as this is part of me. I just need to find a way to stop being in this way. Some days, I'm determined to change. To stop tinder. But funny enough, I keep going back. Installed and uninstalled and re-installed. What am I doing really? Life has a lot more for me to explore rather than engage in some meaningless conversations with strangers.

I know. I'm too naive, thinking that I can get myself a boyfie from that fake world. Maybe there are people who are sincere like me from the start. But at the end, when you put too much trust in something you shouldn't, you would just end up being hurt. So the next when you met someone who is sincere but you don't trust easily again.

Why is love so difficult when it can be so easy? Why is everyone afraid to fall in love when all you can do is just learn how to love?

Stay tuned. I might have interesting stories to share next.

想旅行的心情

4月就這麼靜悄悄地來的，很快地又要走了。今年還沒去到旅行。

還記得那時買到去日本機票時的激動，到現在實在懶得去計劃我的行程。老師一直要我買JR pass，可以到東京看看，可是我只想慢慢地欣賞關西美景。然後我無法用語言解釋我的想法。學了那麼多年的日文好像有點白學。

一個人的旅行，我行嗎？上一次懵懵懂懂地到日本也不是靠我一個人完成的。很矛盾的心情。因為朋友知道我去，有問能一同隨行嗎？然後內心說最好不要跟來，給朋友拆穿說怎麼啦？不願意？心想著有人陪伴其實也不錯。但我就是想試試一個人去旅行，想知道我可以到哪裡。老師知道我一個人去，她一副「信じられない」的表情，說我一個人去很寂寞的喲～

時間逼近，行程還沒定，該做的功課沒做。或許內心在期盼著這趟旅程能帶給我什麼驚喜吧？

Realisation... 3.

Do you know the feeling like a deflated balloon?

Yea, I was kind of experiencing it. I dunno why I'm always the submissive one, probably because I didn't want to aggravate or hurt other people's feelings. Or so I perceived. Thus, I ended up hurting my own feeling.

Whenever I suggested an idea - places to eat or hang out - I have that one friend always like to challenge my idea without any base. I'm totally fine with it if you could at least research about the places that I suggested. But no, that one friend would comment like "Is the food nice?".

I would say this question is really based on one's preferences. I might like it but maybe you don't? And the problem is the idea I suggested might be the places I haven't been there before, I just randomly saw it from the social sites. Why can't you take the risk and give it a try? If it's bad, then we don't revisit; but what if it's good? Life needs surprises sometimes.

Houjicha latte.

It smelled and tasted good but the texture can be smoother.

So we ended up going to the cafe I suggested. I said no topics regarding jobs but you know auditors, full of negative vibes - feeling imbalance of what they're doing because the jobs they do are usually pointless. I get the same old shit they rant. And usually I just nodded along because I don't understand the jargon they said. My job isn't nice to deal with either. But no one bothers/interested to what my job is. To be honest, I don't feel like talking about it during gathering. We're supposed to talk about fun things. 

不管你是人生赢家还是彻头彻尾的loser，我为什么劝你一定要去参加同学聚会？
And about gathering, seriously, I urge everyone to join whenever there's any. Because it lets you see how far have you progressed or how slow you are as compared to your peers. For the latter one, you know it's time for you to work extra hard. It hits me really hard when they discussed about travelling with family. I have been working for 3 years, never once I paid fully for my parents to go for a trip. Whereas my friends, they discussed about sponsor flight tickets & accommodation & bla bla bla for their parents. While I had monologue going on in my mind - I only manage to support myself to a trip. Last year, my face was thick enough to follow my parents to go Krabi without paying a penny. Sigh. Life...

Beauty and no beast

“She warned him not to be deceived by appearances, for beauty is found within.”
Narrator [Beauty And The Beast]

I'm satisfied! *a big smile plastered on my face*

Actually I don't really remember the animation version, in fact I don't remember I ever watch that. But somehow I know how the story goes, and I wonder why the hell I know.

Basically, fairy tales are almost every girl's fantasies. No matter how the fairy tales being remade, I'm still loving them, especially the dancing scene, where the girl would wear the dress that every girl dreams of and the Prince would dress handsomely and they danced the perfect dance.

Fairy tales are not meant to be of common sense. Because there is no such perfect moment with perfect love in real life. But all these give us chance to live in fantasy once in a blue moon.

So what if when the beast returned to being human and is not a Prince charming but a fatty? Would you still choose him?
#appearancedriven
#themainisBelleinsteadoftheBeast

Realisation... 2.

Wanted to write this post last Friday but ended up writing it today.

I realised - I really am living in my own fantasy. I don't care what's happening around the world, unless those I wanted to care. Like the most basic one - petrol prices. 

I didn't know RM 50 can only get 21.736 litres of petrol (this was before the petrol price adjustment announced today). I didn't know 2 bars of petrol can actually go pretty far (from my office to Mid Valley and from Mid Valley back to my house) - total mileage is less than 25 km. I was so worried that I couldn't get home with 2 bars of petrol. But my optimism beat my worries, at the end of the day, I was able to reach home safe and sound.

I'll start taking note about such trivial things. I used to think that all these don't really matter to me, because my dad is always there to support me and I know I can fully dependent on him. But not anymore, I will have and need to be more independent. :')

First Love

사랑의 물리학 김인육

愛的物理學 金仁旭

질량의 크기는 부피와 비례하지 않는다.
品質和體積不成正比。

제비꽃 같이 조그마한 그 계집애가
那個如紫羅蘭般小巧的丫頭，

꽃잎같이 하늘거리는 계집애가
那個似花瓣般輕曳的丫頭，

지구 보다 더 큰 질량으로 나를 끌어당긴다.
以遠超過地球的品質吸引著我。

순간, 나는
一瞬間，我
뉴턴의 사과처럼
如同牛頓的蘋果一樣，
사정없이 그녀에게로 굴러떨어졌다.
不受控制地滾落在她腳下。

쿵 소리를 내며
咚的一聲，
쿵쿵 소리를 내며
咚咚一聲，
심장이 하늘에서 땅까지 아찔한 진자운동을 계속했다.
從天空到大地，心臟在持續著令人眩暈的擺動。

Image from pinterest

첫사랑이었다.

那是初戀。

Poem from: The Physic of Love

Blissful

Health is not valued till sickness comes.
- Thomas Fuller -

It is health that is real wealth and not pieces of gold and silver.
- Mahatma Gandhi -

My dad finally got rid of the life of carrying 2 bags of lung fluids around for a month. It was a boring dreadful month. #confinement

Thank you, thank you and thank you. 

Words can't describe how I feel right now. #feelingcontent #blissful #happiness :)

A thought occurred to me when my dad was being diagnosed with cancer. He must be living too comfortably, that's why God decided to give him a rather challenging assignment to deal with at this age. This assignment not only meant for him, but for us, as a family member as well. We're all going too easy with our lives.
#takethingsforgranted

People nowadays are so scared when heard about cancer because we're ignorant. We know too less about something we should know, something we're supposed to know. Everyone gave me that startled look when I told them about my dad. "What?! Cancer?! Are you f*cking serious?" Yea, I was there with him when the result was being announced. I dunno what reaction I put on my face, but I can be pretty sure deep down I was as calm as lake water.

Then everyone is so concerned about him, that he would receive few calls a day and few visits a day over the weekend and when he was being hospitalized. This proved to me how strong his connections are. Even a friend from Cameron purposely came to visit him after knowing his condition. So much better than some fake relatives, asking via phone, and the worst part of all is that he asked my aunt rather than calling my dad directly. He got defended by my aunts and my sis, saying maybe he doesn't want to disturb my dad. Yea, right. And both me and my sis got criticised because ACCORDING TO HIM we were too high-profile in social media (and we were like, huh? Wtf?! All I did was sharing videos. Let alone my sis, she didn't even post anything on her wall). Whatever. Generation gap. I had mentioned this before in my previous post, but every time I thought of this, it makes my water boiling up. Ugh. I swear I'm not going to meet them if they ever come KL. I'll make up whatever reasons I can just to avoid meeting them. #toxicpeople #escapist

For people like my dad who loves to look as handsome as he can (he used to comb his hair even though his hair was too short to be combed) to becoming a bald-headed uncle, it was too painful to see. He said - there's no option left for him, is there? - with that pussy car look from Shrek movie. :'(

I wish nothing more than to have his health back and start enjoying his retirement life.

お金 #2

Money has never made man happy, nor will it, there is nothing in its nature to produce happiness. The more of it one has the more one wants.

- Benjamin Franklin -

Dun ask me to go shopping, in fact, dun ask me out to spend a penny. Mainly because I'm constantly depriving of money. I feel like, but I dunno why. And damn, this feeling haunts me.

***I just want something to take the blame.

Thus, I blame my job. 

Ever since I changed my job, bad things keep coming to me. Of course, I received good ones too. But the bad ones were severely impacted to my life. Maybe I'm being too focus on the bad things, that's why they keep looking for me.

I always curious, those who earn lesser than me, how can they sustain? Or they actually having a hard time too, but without complaining? But their lust seem to be so much more humongous than mine. Travelling, wearing branded stuff, cafe-hopping... How? Are they earning extra income? I almost stop going to cafe, my friends used to say I always go travelling, always eat nice food. Maybe I posted too much photos on social media. So they've got such "perception".

Where and how to earn extra in a legit way? 

#cruelworld

 #makemoneyworkforme

Or maybe I'm asking too much. Only when I appreciate, money will come to me without me asking for more. 

#lawofattraction 

#enoughishappiness

記得 • 忘記

我覺得

老是叫人

記得

的同時也是在叫人

忘記

#魔咒

想 • 自由

只有妳　懂得我　

就像被困住的野獸　

在摩天大樓　渴求　自由

- «想自由» 林宥嘉 -

有時候我覺得自己像一隻小小鳥

想要飛卻怎麼樣也飛不高

也許有一天我棲上了枝頭

卻成為獵人的目標

我飛上了青天才發現自己從此無依無靠

每次到了夜深人靜的時候我總是睡不著

我懷疑是不是只有我的明天沒有變得更好

未來會怎樣究竟有誰會知道

幸福是否只是一種傳說我永遠都找不到

我是一隻小小小小鳥

想要飛呀飛 卻飛也飛不高

我尋尋覓覓 尋尋覓覓 

一個溫暖的懷抱

這樣的要求 算不算 太高

- «我是一隻小小鳥» 趙傳 -

做小鳥有比較自由嗎？

#livinginmyownfantasy

Generation gap

Qisin!

Change your thought and you change your world.

- Norman Vincent Peale -

What's with the underlying rules set by the elders -
That we have to confine/limit ourselves,
That we have to be fully by mentally and physically support to our loved one who got sick,
That we cannot have any entertainment because we're not allow to have that happy feeling, to hang out with friends,
That we have to tone down in social media, or if we want to be so high profile that I have to write my sad feelings all over my wall,
That we have to show depression in order to prove that we're sad, that we care.

What the stupid fking rules are these?
I wanted to crack open their brains and see what's inside.
Why our thinking can be so different?
Why can they be so stubborn?
Why can't they try to understand us instead of forcing us to understand them?
Where's the equality?

We're all humans.
Who aren't sad when your loved ones got sick?
But because I strongly believe that he'll be fine if he follows instructions.
That's why I can be so calm and act like as if nothing happens.

I thought I have to be positive in order to brighten up the circumstances around me.
But they prove me wrong.

Now I have to calm myself down, because I got too agitated, too tension.
And in their eyes, I'm throwing tantrum over minor things like this.
That I cannot control myself.
That I got myself carried away.
That I'm immature.

Maybe I'm. 

Or probably I'm. 

Or yes, I'm.

But I just can't stand being said in such a way that they define who I am, what I should feel.

I'm not a puppet.
Thank you for your kind concern but you need to gimme time to adjust myself and I would like you to know and understand that how we deal with sadness is, a TOTALLY DIFFERENT way. 
By the way, sorry about my low EQ and for being rude.

Health

I wonder how one thinks about their health, especially youngsters. Is it like -

Health is like MONEY. We never have a true idea of its value until we lose it.
- Josh Billings -

Because we're young. Thus, we take things for granted - the unconditional love from our parents, money and health. Most of us didn't realise that our health is important until someone around us or ourselves have health issue, what's worst - a critical / severe one.

Lately I've been thinking regarding this matter. I'm not a healthy kid since young, my lungs are weak. Ever since I started working, I gotten sick at least twice a year, and usually I would get the combo package - cough + flu + sore throat + sometimes even come with fever. When I grown up, it's getting unbearable each time I get sick. It's like I'm getting closer to death (maybe I'm being exaggerating but this is what I feel).

I feel like I'm taking my health for granted. My mom keeps on nagging me - not to drink too much of cold beverages; not to starve myself; not to bath too late; if bath too late, not to wash my hair and bathe with hot water. These are the few nags I would get from her almost everyday. I'm such a disobedient daughter. I know those are not good for my health, but I still do it because I think I'm still young, so I can expend my health like nobody else's business.

The truth is, there are some symptoms started showing that my health is gradually walking the downhill. My sis said she could hear the sound of my bone cracking when I tried to stretch my arms or legs. And I always feel my neck and shoulder part being very stiff and sometimes the ache would hit. The sign of getting old. Hahaha. 

I know I should be more consistent on doing exercise, like swimming, jogging or whatever that could make me sweat and would improve my productivity. I feel sleepy everyday when I'm at work and I think that's because I didn't do exercise on a regular basis. But I'm not motivated to do so and I'm lazy. Lots of excuses. :X

To keep the body in good health is a duty... otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear.
- Gautama Buddha -

I MUST to do something. Some changes. Or else mid-20s crisis will hit me real hard.

I wonder if you think what I'm thinking

너도 나처럼 이렇게 아픈지
너도 나처럼 눈물 나는지
너도 하루종일 이렇게 추억에 사는지
꼭 나처럼
- I Wonder If You Hurt Like Me by 2AM -

I wonder how someone feels like if I disappeared whole day long without texting back, provided that if we were ever texting non-stop. The feeling of texting continuously - yes, it's wasting time - but do it with the right person can be satisfying and feeling on cloud nine.

I wonder if there's anyone waiting for my text. Yea, I might sound self-centre but I'm curious.

I wonder if those who do not instantly text back know how the one waiting for their reply feel like.

I wonder if I ever crossed someone's mind. And because of that moment, I would receive a text saying "IMY".

愛情就像候車月臺

有人走有人來

我的心是一個站牌

寫著等待

- «手放開» 李聖傑 -

No one goes the extreme way to make me theirs. Because people nowadays aren't persistent enough, neither do I. So I'm constantly waiting. Waiting for miracle. Hahaha!

V.I.P

I'm a conceited fool.
Always like to imagine that I'm a VIP in someone else's life.

The truth is, I'm the VIP to me and myself only. 

I just need someone to remind me on this.

Stop telling me what to do

Maybe LOVE is not what I'm looking for.
By LOVE here I mean being in a relationship.

Because I don't think I love myself enough to be loved by someone else.

Submissive.

Lack of confidence.
Constantly demanding the feeling of security from everyone else and forgot the fact that that feeling can only be given by myself.

Of course, I'm being reminded from time to time, to hurry up and be in a relationship like everybody else.

Because this is the norm among the peers around my age. 

So now I'm the weird one, being so-called "single".

I hate when this society constantly telling us what to do when we're at what age.
Like we're young, we're supposed to go to school.
Like after we graduated, we're supposed to have a decent job and being in a relationship.
Like after working for few years, and if we're still in the same relationship, we're supposed to get married.
Like after we get married, we're supposed to have kids.
The "guidelines" could go on forever till the day we die.
And when we look back what have we done for our life, we sure as hell have tons of regrets because we didn't live the life we wanted it to be.

Why nobody is being encouraged to be themselves but instead following the society's guidelines?

Those successful ones are probably those who went against the said path.
I'm kinda envy them, as they're brave enough to do what they want. 

I probably just need to strengthen my heart.
I probably just need the courage to take a step forward.
And everything will be entirely different.

Shut out unnecessary advices and for once, LISTEN TO MY HEART.